On Chapel Veils and Why I'm Not a Feminist

I have a confession to make. 

Today, my first chapel veil arrived in the mail. You know, the one I said I’d never wear – that thing I never understood. 

I’ve had all sorts of reasons for not wearing one…

          …men don’t have to wear them, why should women?

          …St. Paul wasn’t teaching about something that was meant to apply to every generation

          …all it does is draw attention to yourself and make you feel superior

          …Jesus doesn’t care what I look like at Mass, certainly not what is or isn’t on my head, He’s just glad I’m there

So, why did I spend time searching online for a veil I like?

I blame Jesus.

When our Lord was speaking to St. Theresa of Avila, He asked her if she knew who He was. He then told her, “I am He who is; you are she who is not.”

“…she who is not.”

As I began to let those words sink in and be present within my soul, I began approaching the Lord differently. As I considered the immensity of His mercy and love, a profound sense of smallness grew within me. It isn’t that I began feeling weak or irrelevant; rather, I simply became more aware that before the greatness of God Himself I am smaller than the smallest thing known.

Out of that humility, grace began to grow. Sts. Theresa of Avila and John of the Cross emphasize humility as the human quality that calls down grace most effectively. And as that grace continued to reveal the ways I’m attached to this world, my desire for greater humility increased.

I noticed it especially at Mass. When it would come time to receive Our Lord in the Eucharist, the humility and smallness that my soul experienced before Him seemed to beg outward expression.

I bought a chapel veil because I want my exterior to be a reflection of the interior disposition God has created within me: lowly and small.

“Have this in mind among yourselves, which was in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form he humbled himself and became obedient unto death, even death on a cross.” –Philippians 2:5-8

Alongside this interior change I began to see the world around me differently. The feminist agenda has created a culture wherein women are entitled to everything. If something so much as hints at the difference between male and female it is portrayed as dangerous to women. The slightest indication of the notion of submission or dependence is utterly (and loudly) rejected.

We have been trained to pursue power, equality, and control at all costs. (And that cost is usually the disablement of masculinity.) From military officials supporting the draft for females, to CDC warnings about alcohol and pregnancy, to anti-abortion articles rallying for the superiority of women who can both be productive citizens AND birth children (which men cannot do), we live in a culture today that screams at you to increase yourself and reject anything that remotely carries a trace of the instructions our Lord has made quite clear: humble yourself, submit yourself, and “you are she who is not.”

Here’s the part that we tend to ignore: when women behave from a place of humility (when we admit that we are not men, that we do not deserve power over them or at their expense), we shift a lot of responsibility onto men.

Have you ever stopped to think that maybe if as women we allowed ourselves to be cared for, if we allowed ourselves to need men to lead, guide, and provide for us, there would be men who rise to the occasion?

St. Paul instructs wives to be submissive to their husbands. He then instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church.

My capacity to receive the love that Christ has for His Church has increased greatly as my willingness to let go, to lean on Him, and dispose myself before Him in humility has increased.

So, women of the world, while I will not tell you to run out and buy a veil of your own (Side note: they are surprisingly expensive), I do offer this:

 - What if instead of seeking to make your voice louder, you sought to quiet yourself inside and listen?

- What if instead of pursuing equality (in our culture this means “the same”) with men, you laid down your weapons and let yourself be grateful for ways men can provide and protect?

- What if instead of focusing on getting ahead and proving yourself, you looked at the Lord in humility, presented Him with your life, and waited for Him to love you in the places where you are small?

- What if we all just admitted that the constant striving to be stronger and more powerful is actually exhausting and usually leaves us empty instead of happier?

Why do we have to be so opposed to the very disposition the Lord asks of us? Remember what Jesus said of the woman who put just two small coins into the Temple treasury?

“Truly, I say to you, this poor widow has put in more than all those who are contributing to the treasury. For they all contributed out of their abundance; but she out of her poverty has put in everything she had, her whole living.” – Mark 12:43

 She was not rich and powerful. She did not control the world around her. Instead, she simply submitted her life to God.

Females of the world: maybe that’s what we should do too.

(Now excuse me while I go practice standing, sitting, kneeling, walking, etc. in a veil…)

Peaceful Discernment

I sometimes feel like my spiritual life is lived out in two different realms.

In one I seek to know God as He is. I calm myself to encounter Him in prayer. I listen for His voice. I come to know His love by being present to Him.

In the other, things are much more chaotic. I strive to find His will in the things around me. I spend my days trying to make sense of all my experience so as to discover the answer to the ever-present question: Where do You want me to serve You?

It seems at first glance that there should be some way to bridge the gap - that I should be able to make His quiet Presence fill the hole left by the tireless questioning and seeking.

I'm reminded of Elijah waiting for God on the mountain. Elijah was wise enough to let the earthquake, strong wind, and fire pass him by without a care.  He knew the Lord was the still small voice.

And here's the thing: I do too. Do you know how I know that I know? Because I said it at the beginning of this post. (Remember? "In one I seek to know God as He is. I calm myself to encounter Him in prayer. I listen for His voice. I come to know His love by being present to Him.")

I look to the chaos to find the will of the Father. I beg for the earthquake, wind, and fire to reveal the still small voice. But the Lord was NOT in the wind. The Lord was NOT in the earthquake. The Lord was NOT in the fire.

I have to let go of the earthquake, wind, and fire.  I have to be wise enough to know that my desperate striving to make sense of my daily experience is fruitless striving.


The Lord can bring me answers, yes. (And I wait with great faith, hope, and trust that He will.) But I have to let the confusion and chaos pass by so that I'm still on the mountain when the still small voice speaks.

When I chase the questions, I miss the Answer.

And He said, "Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the LORD." And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and broke in pieces the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice. And when Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his mantle and went and stood at the entrance of the cave. And behold, there came a voice to him, and said, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"  1 Kings 19: 11 - 13

A Word for 2014: Coach

My 2012 word was "courage." In 2012, I didn't re-sign my teaching contract, willingly entered into unemployment, moved out on my own for the first time, and moved to a city I'd spent little time in for a job teaching high school, which I had never taught before. It was a lot. And it was courageous.

After all of that, I wanted a word that was a bit calmer for 2013. I chose "wisdom." It is harder to trace the practical implications of that word, but I think the biggest lesson I learned is this. Wisdom doesn't mean seeing and understanding how each of the pieces of the puzzle fit together. It isn't having all of the answers. Instead, wisdom is often the quiet peace that comes with trusting the puzzle solving to God. Watching in gratitude as pieces fit together. Trusting that God is crafting the missing pieces perfectly. Wisdom.

This brings me to 2014. Coach.

I complained to a priest (via email) that I felt more like a bystander in life than a main character. I looked around me, reflected on scripture, and concluded that I wasn't moving forward enough. There was no glorious, obvious, or particularly noteworthy action.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Priest: God is using you even if you feel like a bystander ... you are probably a climbing hook (others hold on to you) or a mountain ranger (others get direction from you) 

Me: BUT don't I need to climb the mountain too????!!?

Priest: Don't climb, coach
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wasn't a huge fan of that exchange. However, I do think there was wisdom (it was 2013) to be found there.

I need to be content with the role God has in mind for me. I can see many places and moments in my life where the words of the priest ring true.

I've come to see that I waste of lot of time trying to be more than God seems to ask of me.  I want to be Katniss Everdeen, essential to a rebellion that will bring about necessary change. I want to be Nelson Mandela, bringing change to the face of a nation.

But what he calls me to is much quieter. It takes effort to see as fruitful. But it is in those quieter things that I find more peace. I'm not anxious about what is to come. I don't worry about what should come next.

I trust in the life God has placed before me.

^" Do nothing from selfishness or conceit, but in humility count others better than yourselves.  Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.  Have this mind among yourselves, which was in Christ Jesus,  who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, taking the form of a servant,being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form he humbled himself and became obedient unto death, even death on a cross." -Philippians 2:3-8


Coach. Not climb.

She Wonders

Last night I wrote on the last page of a journal I have used sporadically since college. As I flip back through the pages, I smile, laugh, tear up, shake my head, and remember. I remember the girl I was - the girl who expressed so much of her heart on those pages.

That girl is now five years older than the days of the first entries. In many ways she has lived moments she could never have guessed at. And today, she wonders.

She wonders if that girl would have been delighted to know the now.

She wonders if the wisdom of those days long gone has been well used on the journey.

She wonders if five years from now these moments being lived will make more sense, be seen more clearly.

And in the midst of all that wonder, she tries to muster up the courage and strength to surrender. To gather up all of the unfinished story-lines, the unfulfilled hopes, the undetected graces and to place them all into the hands of the Father.

She sits, slowly breathing in and out, and reflects on the life lived. She feels the hurts, delights in the joys, and guesses at the future.

She knows with certainty that she is loved by the God who does not need to guess at the meaning and the purpose.

She asks herself the question found in many forms throughout the pages of the journal she closes and sets back on the shelf.

Will she trust God?  Does she love him as he asks her to?  Does she trust that his grace is sufficient?

Is this life being lived for him?

I Gain Nothing

"No," I said to no one in particular as I closed my Bible and set it on the floor.  ...Okay, maybe I was saying it to God...

"No," I said again, "I'm not interested in meditating on You loving and serving us."

Let me back up a minute.  Just before Lent started, I commited to a new method of praying with scripture. I made a list of the major "action" moments of Jesus' life from John's Gospel, and I've been working my way through the list.

Next up on the list: The Washing of the Disciples' Feet.

Now, back to the story...

I realized a couple of days ago that I'm really, totally, and completely kind of mad at God.  I feel like I've honestly given myself to Him.  I know I took a courageous leap of surrender by leaving my 2nd grade teaching job and coming to Springfield.  And even though I had no real expectations for what this journey would bring, I did expect that it would become something.

It doesn't seem like it has. I feel abandoned and forgotten.

This morning, I woke up to a text from a friend happily declaring that God is so good.  The text went on to describe the reasons why. I found myself thinking, "Of course. Because you aren't me, and God is willing to bring good things into your life."

Earlier this afternoon, I got a text from another friend asking for prayers.  My prayer was something along these lines: "God, please bring good things into _____'s life. Don't treat her the way You treat me. Let her be holy and HAPPY."

...did I mention that I'm kind of mad at God?

At one point, I even went so far as to let God know that I think He is taking advantage of the fact that He knows I won't walk away. This God thing - this faithful Catholic life thing- I'm all in.

Here's the truth of the matter though. We have to live the victory.

God does love me.  He does bring good things into my life. He doesn't do everything the way I would, but that is the biggest blessing He gives us.  Because He can see perfectly. His ways are best.

Does that suck sometimes?  Yes.  But only because we are human. 
Does it hurt like crazy sometimes? Yes.  But only because we are being made holy.
Does it look unreasonable and unfair sometimes? Yes.  But only because Satan is constantly clouding our vision.

Today, I'm standing at a crossroads.  I have a choice to make.  I can stand up, trust God to build the Kingdom with my suffering, and LIVE like I'm all in.  Or, I can continue about my life with my arms crossed in stubbornness, pretending like God owes me the life I envision for myself.

What do I want to do?  I want to be stubborn.  I want to wait and try to force God's hand.  I want to throw a mini-temper tantrum until He gives in.

But I gain nothing by holding on.

I gain nothing, but Satan wins.

I don't want to be someone who hands Satan a win.

So what am I going to do?

Well, first of all I'm going to pray that scripture I said no to this morning.  And I'm going to meditate on God made flesh kneeling before His Church -before me- and humbly and lovingly serving.

And I'm going to choose to trust that Jesus.  I will choose to trust that He is building.

Because I gain nothing by holding on.

Learning Lessons

My life doesn't always look the way I think it should. It doesn't always look the way I want it to.

January was a challenging month and a dramatic time to be inside my prayer life.  You see, God isn't giving me something that I thought He would give me.  And He isn't really telling me why He won't give it to me.

He doesn't have to.

But I really, really, really want Him to.

As I've journeyed through this time, I've asked Him a lot of questions.

I've fasted.

I've cried.

I've prayed novenas.

I've kicked and screamed at Heaven.

I've been to daily mass and to Reconciliation.

I've blamed Saints.

I've mediated on Scripture.

I've journaled and journaled and journaled.

I've tried praying through it; I've tried not thinking about it.

I've talked and talked about it.

I've read books. I've painted. I've rearranged furniture. I've made lesson plans. I've cleaned. I've graded papers. I've spent time listening to friends tell me about their lives.

No matter what I've done or intentionally not done, my soul has struggled and my heart has hurt.

I hate when people spill out their personal lives online. I also hate when bloggers are so vague that I'm left super curious about what is happening in their lives.  Here's to me finding a virtuous balance in this post...

There is a person in my life who has undoubtedly brought me closer to God. This person has been there for me in some hard moments and has made me laugh when I've least expected to laugh. The two of us have been through a lot together, and we've been in each others' lives through a lot of individual journeys.

Together, we've worked hard to serve God, argued about theological things, and tried to figure out God's will and how best we can love Him.

And over the years, throughout all of that, we've tried to find the place for each other in our lives.

It's been hard. It's looked like a lot of different things at a lot of different times.

January was all about me learning to accept, once again, that I still don't have it figured out.

What I've learned this time around though, is something that I hope I never forget. Because as so much of my life has been clouded by this confusion, one thing has become more clear, more real, and more present in my life.

God exists.  He is indescribably real and present.

Throughout this time, I've questioned a lot of things and run through countless scenarios. The only thing that has been constant is the reality of who God is.

Somehow, when I look at Him - really look at Him, all of the confusion and turmoil and frustration and absolute annoyance fade ... just enough for me to really know that God loves me.  And that the beauty and simplicity of who He is in my life, of who I am in His eyes, is more than enough to sustain me.

It doesn't take away all that I'm feeling inside.

It doesn't silence all the thoughts and possibilities running through my mind.

Do I like the way this situation looks now? ...Well...no... I don't.
Do I understand why it is the way it is?  Do I understand what God is doing? No. Not at all.

But my point is, maybe that's how it's supposed to be right now.  Maybe I'm not in this place to learn a lesson in discernment or in God's ways.

Maybe I'm just supposed to be learning lessons in God.  Maybe I'm just supposed to learn that He is enough.  Not because my life is a perfectly wrapped package.  Not because I've finally found the instruction manual.  Just because He is a constant light. A consistent love. A never-ending source of grace and goodness.

Even when my world is not what I want it to be, when it would be so easy and so natural to just fall away, He is exactly what I need: the Source that sustains me.

Journey

It's so easy to forget that this life is a journey - a journey with more meaning that we can't see than meaning that we can.

It's so easy to fall into comfortable. Safe. Familiar.

It's so easy to forget that God is constantly calling us to become more like Him.

Sometimes we need moments in our lives that are so unexpected, so unpredictable that they spin our world around and turn it upside down in the most perfect way - the way that shows us that God is working.  God is calling.

I came across a quote in my meditation recently: "We should not be surprised if, when we embrace obedience, we find the Cross."

As I've pondered that deeply in my heart, I've come to realize a temptation within myself to think that if I only manage to be obedient God will bring about the things that I want.  I find myself believing that nothing unexpected should come my way because I've been listening and obeying.

But, obedience often leads us to the Cross.  That's how it was for Jesus.

Here's the thing about the Cross. If we look at it through our own eyes, it looks like we've been defeated.  It looks like the end of what should have been a much longer, much better story.  But when we look at the Cross through the eyes of faith, we something so much more.  We see it as an unexpected beginning, a continuation of a story that has more meaning than we can see in any single given moment.

And that Cross?  It calls us to change.  It shakes us from our comfort, our safety, our familiar. It demands that we see love differently.  It demands that we see life differently.  It demands that we trust God's power and glory in the unexpected.

It's easy to forget that this life is a constant, meaningful, and ever-changing journey.  Easy to forget that is, until we arrive at the Cross.

Pausing to Express

FOR TODAY

(September 24, 2012)

Outside my window...The air is FINALLY at that consistently cool point. My windows are open, and the taste of Fall makes my heart smile.  I find comfort and peace in gentle breezes.

I am thinking... that I need to write more.  My life always seems more fully lived when I'm consistently expressing myself through writing.

I am thankful for... the gift of the journey.  I'm not always patient along the road that leads to healing, growth, or peace, but I'm so thankful that such a road exists. I'm also thankful that God lets us have other people journey alongside us.

I am wearing... my flowing brown skirt, a pink shirt, no shoes, and straightened hair (at the request of my students who have been dying to see what it looks like straightened).

I am creating... routine...or playing with it a least. I'm good with the weekends, but I'm still not thrilled my mornings.

I am going... to go to bed early tonight.  I'm tired, and those juniors I have to teach tomorrow are a lot of work.

I am reading... so much about Church History and the New Testament that it almost feels like college again. Almost.

I am hoping... that somewhere in the midst of this time there are many things in my life that are pleasing to God.

I am hearing... cars driving by on a busy street.

Around the classroom...so much talk about martyrs and persecution have left me in a bit of a blah mood.

One of my favorite things... sleeping in.

New

     I'm sitting in my new apartment, in my new desk chair, typing on my new laptop, which is sitting on my new desk.  Across from me is my new futon.  Next to me are the text books for the new classes I'm teaching at my new job. Tonight for dinner I ate a broccoli/beef/rice dish that I cooked in my new skillet, drank water from a new glass, and watched an episode of Covert Affairs on my new TV.

     Some things in my life are the same, but many things are new.

     As I was packing for this move, I spent some time looking through my old things.  I came across the book of quotes, memories, and good-byes that was given to my senior class when we graduated High School.  In there, one of my former religion teachers included a list of the "buzz word" phrases she drilled into our heads during her classes.  One of them simply says, "Change happens."

     It's true of course.  Change happens.  Sometimes we are the driving force behind the change in our own lives.  Sometimes the change comes and is completely out of our control.  Sometimes it is well planned, diligently thought through, and purposefully carried out.  Sometimes it comes unexpectedly - catching us off guard.

     No matter how it comes about or what it direction it ends up taking us, when presented with change, we are presented with a choice.  How do we react to the change?  Do we embrace it, ride the wave, and make the most of it?  Or do we shy away, pretend it can't touch us, and act like it is not real?

     As I sit as this desk, typing on this computer, if I look to my right I will see the Divine Mercy image.  Inscribed at the bottom is that simple and ever important prayer of St. Faustina's.  "Jesus I trust you."

     This life is a constant journey toward an eternal end.  It's a journey that changes many times along the way.  Whether the change is by our design or because of circumstances we cannot control, God's design is within its scope. Our prayer can remain constant through the change.

"Jesus I trust in you."

Sometimes You Have to Leap

I've spent the last two years of my life teaching spirited second graders at a wonderful Catholic School in the Archdiocese of St. Louis.  (Some of the funniest dialogues have been documented on this blog.  If you click on the category "From the Mouth of a Child" you'll find them all.)  Recently, I chose not to sign my contract for next year.  I do not currently have a job lined up.

So, why didn't sign?

I remembering wanting a variety of careers growing up: mailman, psychiatrist, dolphin trainer.  But I could never actually see myself doing anything but teaching.  I loved school.  I loved playing school at home.  I had a chalkboard in my bed room and a whole list of kids and papers to grade.  Speaking of grading papers, I loved helping my friends who taught with their grading.

I walked into my first teaching job with relative ease.  I had a strong mentor.  I was surrounded by willing, helpful, and friendly teachers.  I had families who were good to me. I struggled that first year to really put my heart fully into what I was doing.  I think on a huge level I was afraid that if I did, I would get stuck in teaching forever.

When I made the decision to walk away from youth ministry, I made a promise to myself.  I promised that I would put all of myself into my classroom.  I would work hard.  I would embrace the people around me.  I would dive into the community.  I would see myself as a fully-given component of my students' lives.  And while I cannot look at everyday and say that I upheld that promise, I can say that overall I found success.

Even in the best moments, I could not stop myself from wondering what else is out there for me.  There were whispers of a gentle stirring in my heart to search, to find.  When it came time to sign the contract, I was torn - torn between an excellent job (with its challenges of course) and this unsettled sense within of a "something more" that perhaps lay elsewhere.

I do not know exactly what I will find on this journey.  I cannot say where I will be even at the next step.  But I do know that it is with great faith and trust that I am taking this leap.  Why the leap?  Because my life doesn't have to be an unhappy sense of trapped.  My life can be joyful and constant movement toward that ever illusive more.  The more that is only fully found and dwelt in at the throne of our Heavenly Father.

There is a definite sense of sadness in leaving.  I'll miss the incredible people I've learned to call friends.  But it is not with a heavy heart that I go.  I leave with a sense of, "okay.  This is it. Here I go."






"Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find.  Knock and the door shall be opened for you."

Gay Marriage and Pinterest

I'm tired.

I'm tired of hearing about gay marriage.  I'm tired of thinking about gay marriage.  I'm tired of hostility toward those opposed to gay marriage.  I'm tired of  all the pointlessly silly pins on Pinterest making light of an important issue.  They try to use sarcasm and humor to paint a picture of those opposed to gay marriage as unfounded and ridiculous.  They undermine the intelligence on BOTH sides of the issue.  They make real conversation almost impossible.

I present this image as Exhibit A.  All I can say is, really?  Come on now.  Does ANYONE who is opposed to gay marriage think that a World War will break out, plagues will come, and terrorists will win?  No.

I am opposed to gay marriage.  It is not because I think gay marriage will lead to greater terrorism or some other kind of global disaster.  It's because I know that gay marriage is destructive to the natural design of sexual unity and family.  I'm not opposed to it because I want to prevent the collapse of society.  I'm opposed to it because I want to prevent the further collapse of the family.

Exhibit B.  This one is slightly less annoying because it at least raises an intelligent point: that there are a whole host of things in today's society that are damaging to the Institution of Marriage.  Porn.  Divorce.  Insanely short lived marriages.  Affairs.  They are all destructive to the Institution of Marriage.  In fact, they make the legal union of marriage a joke.  It bears almost no significance.

These things are destructive because they violate the life-long, committed, free, and total purpose of sexual unity.  Guess what.  So does gay marriage.

I don't want to get into an argument about which one on this list is worse.  The truth of the matter is that they are all wrong.  They are all destructive.  I'm no more in favor of porn, divorce, or affairs than I am of gay marriage.  This pin assumes that I don't care about those things.  I do.  But you wouldn't know that now would you, because you (Mr. Pinner that I do not know) didn't bother to ask.

Exhibit C.  "Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a doughnut because you're on a diet."  This isn't even a logically sound claim.  It doesn't use the same terms in its articulation.  I guess maybe the creator of this one knew that saying, "Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like claiming someone eating a doughnut while you are on a diet is against your religion" makes absolutely no sense.

Furthermore, while gay marriage is against my religion, that's not something I throw around with no cause.  It isn't an arbitrary claim that I put out there for dramatic flare.  It's the truth.  In the 2,000 year old unchanging doctrine of my faith, there is not room for gay marriage.  It was against my religion 2,000 years ago.  It will still be against my religion in 200,000 years.  It has nothing to do with your love for doughnuts and everything to do with an understanding of Truth.

Exhibit D.  Yes, because the people we spend the most time with are the deciding factor in how much like Jesus we are. 

Jesus loved unconditionally.  He loved the prostitute, the pharisees, the adulterous woman, His sinless virgin Mother, and the murders who died next to Him on Calvary.  He loves me.  He loves you.  And we are most like Him when we empty ourselves and love each other.  And, by the way, I do love you - no matter who you spend your time with.  I want all of the best things for you no matter how many annoying and fruitless little pins you have.

40 Days of Prayer

I wasn't going to do this, but then I read the whole list. I can't resist.

Planned Parenthood is holding their own "40 Days" vigil.  Here are some of the days...

"Day 2: Today we pray for compassionate religious voices to speak out for the dignity and autonomy of women."  Well, now lets take a look at what the Catholic Bishops have to say in the documents of the Second Vatican Council.  "The hour is coming, in fact has come, when the vocation of women is being acknowledged in its fullness, the hour in which women acquire in the world an influence, an effect and a power never hitherto achieved. That is why, at this moment when the human race is undergoing so deep a transformation, women imbued with a spirit of the Gospel can do so much to aid humanity in not falling."  Isn't it kind of them to pray for our bishops?!?

"Day 14: Today we pray for Christians everywhere to embrace the loving model of Jesus in the way he refused to shame women."  ...and encouraged the killing of innocent children!  Oh. Wait. Huh?

"Day 19: Today we pray for all pregnant women. May they be surrounded by loving voices."  Like this woman, who is surrounded by love for her and for her sweet child.

"Day 23: Today we give thanks for the strong women in our lives who have given us examples of good decision-making."  Like Mary who said, "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. Be it done unto me according to your word."  And the countless other women who courageously and lovingly have given up their bodies for new life.

"Day 29: Today we pray that all women will know that they are created in the image of God, good and holy, moral and wise."  ...and then that they will read beyond Genesis 2, and humbly accept that they are fallen creatures who still to this day are fully capable of making wrong choices and remain always in need of a Savior.

"Day 35: Today we pray for girls everywhere, that they may have every opportunity for education, sport, health, art, and vocation." ...unless they are currently in the womb of another girl who would rather not have them exist.

"Day 36: Today we pray for the families we've chosen. May they know the blessing of choice." ...and be thankful that the circumstances of their existence were not slightly altered so as to be less convenient or desirable to their parents, which would have resulted in them not being "chosen." Do we really want our children to know they are so meaninglessly disposable?

"Day 37: Today we pray for women to claim their equality and demand their rights as citizens." ...except their right to life, if they have the out-of-their-control misfortune to be deemed "unwanted" at a time when they cannot possibly speak for themselves.

Daybook: The End of Catholic Schools' Week

FOR TODAY

(February 4, 2012)

Outside my window... it rained all night and has been misting all day. I'm still holding out for one good snow. We've got more built-in snow days to use at school, and I want to have a good cover!

I am thinking... that it is very easy to fall into laziness. I don't necessarily mean the lay-around-all-day kind of lazy. It's easy to get lazy at work, not always giving your best. It's easy to get lazy in your prayer life, not always taking the time to stop and pray. It's easy to get lazy in the journey to all that we are supposed to become. It's easy to get sidetracked and to settle for so much less than that for which we have been created.

I am thankful for... examples of selfless loyalty and unwavering courage.

I am wearing... a t-shirt and jeans - no make-up.

I am creating... not much of anything; that's part of the problem.

I am going... nowhere in life. That's overly dramatic and not entirely true. But I've felt the weight of that thought a lot lately. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be in life. I'm also not sure how to get to the things I really want. If you have some time, will you please offer a quick prayer for me?

I am reading... Well, I started Sacraments and Scripture by Tim Gray. I haven't gotten very far in it, but I know that if I can focus and read, it will bring much blessing and intellectual stimulation. 

I am hoping... to not waste time wandering aimlessly. I want to be deliberate and purposeful in everything I do. 

I am hearing... the start of another episode of NCIS. Gotta love the USA marathons!

Around the classroom... We just finished a successfully busy Catholic Schools' Week. There were many fun activities, and we also had our First Communion Retreat with the REAP Team. It is common for me to sit at Sacrament prep things and know what I would say if given the opportunity. This time, I actually did get up and say something. I was told later that I fit right in with the rest of the team. ::sigh:: I know. I love the world of retreats and youth ministry. And I do fit there.

One of my favorite things... late nights and good conversation with close friends!

It's Going to be Okay

Honestly, this whole HHS mandate regarding contraception and sterilization procedures has been almost a constant in my thoughts since I first heard about it.

This is a scary time. The idea of people being forced by the American Government to violate their consciences is something I never really imagined. In fact, it's something I could only vaguely conceptualize as a reality at all. For anyone. Anywhere.

I've always known though. I've been told of the reality of oppression at the hands of a country's leaders. The difference now is that it was always something distant from me, from the life I live. After all, I've been blessed to be a citizen of the Land of Opportunity, the Land of Promise. I've always had full access to the American Dream.

Whatever your personal beliefs are regarding the Catholic Church's teaching on matters of contraception, I think you can still admit that it is a serious violation of the Religious Liberty promised to those who live in this country.

And so, I've worried. I've worried about what else the government has the hidden ability to do. I've worried about what is going to come after this. I've worried about how people will react. I've worried about what will happen to an already misguided and disillusioned view of family and the right to life.

I worried, and then I read this.

The most reassuring thoughts provided in that blog (for me) come at the very end.

(1) "...I'm not worried because we're going to do the right thing." Oh. Right. I forgot. The Catholic Church is led by holy men who are direct successors of the apostles. They have been anointed to safeguard the teachings of the Church. They have been anointed to pass on and protect the Sacred Traditions that have been handed to us. And they will. Because for all of the falling away, all of the countless ways that human nature has tainted what we see of the Church, God will protect His Church. He has graced it, consecrated it, and founded it upon a rock that stands today: in richness and in fullness. We ARE going to do the right the thing. Not every single Catholic. But the One, Holy, and Universal Church. The gates of hell will not prevail.

(2) "Finally, more importantly than any of these human, practical, temporal things that I take hope in, the number one I find hope in is that these armies and enemies don't matter. As King Henry V says in Shakespeare's play: 'We are in God's hands, Brother, not in theirs.'"

We do not belong to this world. We do not belong to this government. We belong to God. We are His children, members of His Church. We live and move and have our being in Him. He will protect us. He will empower us with His Spirit. The gates of hell will not prevail.

He has won. And we are so blessed to have been called into His victory. By mercy we are invited into the mystery of Himself. And nestled within the grace of that mystery we know that this world cannot take away all that is glorious in Him.

Well, I AM Going to Talk About It

On Friday, the Heath and Human Services Department of the Obama Administration passed a regulation that will require employers to include coverage of contraceptives and sterilization procedures in their health care plans regardless of their moral beliefs.

In other words, the Catholic Institutions (schools, hospitals, etc.) that have employees who receive health care benefits will have to PAY for contraceptives.

THAT IS A MAJOR PROBLEM!

In case you didn't know, the Catholic Church sees the use of artificial contraceptives as grave matter. This means that their use, when combined with full-knowledge of the gravity and full-consent to the usage, puts Catholics in a state of MORTAL SIN, which completely cuts them off from GOD and His Church.

THAT IS A REALLY BIG DEAL!

Catholic Institutions, which make up the single largest charitable organizations in the world, provide medical attention to the SICK and DYING of any religion, and have pioneered the education system, CANNOT comply with this regulation.

CANNOT! Period.

So what does this mean? Well (unless I'm completely erring in my understanding of the situation) either (1) the entire Catholic Church in the United States becomes complete sell outs, sacrificing the fullness of Truth, the sacredness of Tradition, and spitting in the face of all Divine Revelation, (2) Catholic Institutions stop providing heath care to their employees (which Catholic Social Teaching would have a big issue with), or (3) these institutions courageously stand up for the Truth the Catholic Church boldly proclaims and suffer the consequences.

So you see, this is kind of a BIG DEAL. It kind of MATTERS.

Setting aside the fact this appears to be a blatant contradiction of our Constitutional rights to religious freedom, people should be talking about this. People should be fired up!

But there has been (in my humble opinion) a strange and unexpected amount of silence regarding the issue.

Well, not anymore.

I'm saying something.

Click here to read a better explanation of the situation.

Click here to see how the bishops are responding.

Click here to read who is in support of the ruling.

Click here to see what you can do about this now.

And above all else PRAY! Pray for the courage of the leaders of the Church. Pray for the lawmakers and leaders of our country. Pray for the conversion of hearts that will allow LIFE to be known as something precious to value, not something negative to prevent. Pray, pray, pray.

Slightly Confused

This video, "Why I Hate Religion, But Love Jesus," has popped up multiple times on my facebook newsfeed. I finally watched it a few a minutes ago, and I'm going to offer a response here.

Let me start out by saying that there are points made in this video that I absolutely agree with. There are also points (namely the whole premise/title) that are not Truth.

Religion is not in and of itself evil. The problem with religion is not that it is something contrary to Jesus or something on the opposite end of the spectrum of Jesus (as it is according to the video). The "problem" with religion is that every religion is made up of HUMANS whose daily lives, decisions, and actions are influenced by FALLEN NATURE.

The logical parallel that the poet in this video attempts to draw between Christ's rebuking of the Scribes/ Pharisees with religion as a whole is faulty. Christ did NOT come to abolish the law; He came to FULFILL the law. In doing so, He INSTITUTED the One, Holy, Catholic Church. The FULLNESS of Truth -of God's plan for mankind- rests within the rich sacredness of a religion build upon Scripture and Tradition.

Christ's condemnation in Scripture is a condemnation of people who did not allow God their whole beings - their whole hearts. He condemned people who used the law as a source of pride rather than a guide towards love. He condemned people who tried to hide behind the law and avoid actually LIVING mercy, grace, forgiveness, and love. And today He still condemns people who hide behind religion. He still condemns hypocrisy.

What the man in this video DOES understand is that far too many people today claim salvation and holiness because they can check church off their list of things they did this week. Far too many Catholics - and Christians as a whole - never allow their religion to guide them to the fullness of the Christian life.

However, what the man in this video DOES NOT recognize is that when Christ instituted The Church, it never ceased to be comprised of fallen people. It never ceased to exist in a fallen world. Rather, He insured that even when we do fail -even when our practice of religion falls short of the glory He has in mind - there is a religion through which we always have access to the grace of His obedience on the cross.

It is through a religion- The Catholic Church- that the grace for our salvation is made available to us.

Religion is not the summation of the hypocrisy its members. Rather, One religion is the NECESSARY path for us to our salvation.

I guess in a way I could say that he is almost right. And yet completely wrong at the same time...

10 Things I Hate About You

Dear Satan,

This is not like the movie. This post will not turn into a cute little poem about the things I only wish I actually hated about you.

I'm NOT struggling to honestly accept the truth that I'm secretly in love with you. I'm not in love with you.

I think you suck.

Because you do.

So here it is. The 10 Things I Hate About You...enjoy! Or don't. I don't care.

1.) I hate that you manipulate the human heart into rejecting God.
2.) I hate that you attack the most beautiful and most holy things the hardest.
3.) I hate that you constantly lie in order make lives miserable.
4.) Speaking of lives...I hate that you destroy them.
5.) I hate that you convince people to think only of themselves.
6.) I hate that you deceivingly draw people into fear of the best things.
7.) I hate that you have led man to participate in your ungodly destruction of commitment.
8.) I hate that you deprive society of it's most precious gift in the name of freedom.
9.) I hate that you convince man to deny truth and have worked to eliminate courage.
10.) I hate that you have attempted to destroy love by replacing it with a ridiculously utilitarian method of life.

Sincerely,

Someone Begging God Daily for the Mercy and Grace to NEVER Listen to Your Perpetual Lies

P.S. The Voice of Truth already defeated you. In the end, the victory is His. And those of us who can see you lurking behind every morally relativistic comment, idea, or movement, behind every bit of unrighteous anger, and behind every person too disillusioned (by you) to see their value in the heart of God are not going to stop. We will not give in. We are claiming His victory.

Too bad you can't.

2011 Awards (And Other Memories)

LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend)
Kayla Hartmann (as always)

MOST UNDERSTANDING FRIEND
I cannot possibly give this to just one person. Amanda, Sarah, Kathy, Abby, and Dazzer have listened, advised, and been understanding COUNTLESS times this past year. I do not think I've ever relied more heavily on friends. I'm so grateful to count them as my good friends.

HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR
 The Pro-Life trip at the beginning of this year was fantastic, but I think the award goes to Steubenville 2011 Week 1. My small group of seniors and experiencing the retreat with the absolute best teens made this a holy and wonderful weekend!

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR
This is my blog, and I can be honest here. From mid-June to mid-November I walked through each day broken, confused, and very hurt. In the midst of that time I asked myself hard questions about who I am in God, who He is calling me to be, and what things (and people) in my life were assets and what things (and people) were not. My heart broke into a million pieces as a walked away from youth ministry -from teens I have spent much time loving. I tried to find purpose, meaning, and direction in the things that remained. In those months I tried to hold the pieces that were left together. I learned hard lessons in trust and surrender. I allowed God to slowly and painfully show me more and more of Himself as I gave Him more and more of my life. So much good has come from those moments. But it sucked like no other to live them. :-)


BEST HOLIDAY
Christmas. But only because it was (is) the culmination of Advent, which is not a holiday, but was, by far, the most peaceful season.

BEST SONG FOR 2011
The Saint that is Just Me by Danielle Rose taught me that holiness does not come from mimicking the lives of others. Rather it comes from living the individual journey towards God with grace.

BEST MOVIE WATCHED
Courageous. It was a good movie. For a Christian Film, it was amazing. And it challenged me to view my life differently. It also changed my standards for the people I allow to be closest to me.

BEST BOOK READ
Searching for and Maintaining Peace. I'd read this one before, but reading it again this year reminded me of just how important peace is.

...OR...

The End of Molasses Classes by Ron Clark. This book inspired me to make things happen in life. It is the original source of my New Year's Resolution for the year.

ALL AROUND GREAT FRIEND TO HAVE
Amanda. Without you so much of 2011 would have been less holy. I am so grateful for your selfless, life-giving friendship. Your holiness calls me to be holy. Your insights, wisdom, and general understanding of my heart and spiritual journey are an invaluable blessing to me. Thank you.

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR
Applebee's. It has to be Applebee's.

BEST PROFESSOR
"Dr. Blosser. Always. And still." That's what I wrote last year. For this first time in 19 years I had no formal teacher this year. However, Dr. Blosser responded to every email and patiently answered every heavy theology question I posed. He gets the award. Again.

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR
To just keep moving. No matter how hard it got, I never stopped going. I never gave in to that part of me that wanted to just curl up in a ball and stay there forever. I never stopped going to God. I continued to meet Him in the Sacraments.

MOST STUPID IDEA
Texting the most serious things because saying them out loud was too scary. Or maybe it was all of those things I didn't say or text... Either way, I wouldn't call it "stupid." I'd just call it the opposite of courageous.

BIGGEST CHANGE
Leaving my involvement in AYM behind me.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION
To not make excuses so that I can make things happen.

WORD FOR 2012
Courageous

Beautiful History

I heard a speech made by Lance Berkmen of the St. Louis Cardinals. He said some things that really got me thinking.

Many times in life, I'm super specific in my prayers. I approach God with a box, and in that box I place my limited vision of what I think will ultimately bring Him glory and give me happiness.

In 2005, when Lance played for the Houston Astros, he was playing against the Cardinals in the NLCS. Houston was leading the series 3 -1 going into game 5 in Houston. Lance is a professed Christian who, before the game, prayed that if he had the opportunity he would get a hit to help his team win the game. In the 7th inning (I think), Lance got a hit that gave the Astros a lead. His prayer at that point involved a little bargain. He promised God that if they held onto the lead and won the game leading to the first World Series appearance in Franchise history, he would give God all the glory in the post-game press conference.

Well, all was well until Pujols came up to bat with runners in scoring position. He crushed a hanging slider for a crowd silencing home run. The Cardinals won the game. (But not the series....shhh...we won't talk about that part.)

Fast forward to 2011. The Cardinals defy all the odds and are playing in the World Series. Down 3 games to 2 in the series Lance knew that it could all come down to one of his at bats. But his prayer was different this time around. Instead of praying that he make the big hit, he prayed that if he were in the position to make a huge difference he would be calm and able to focus on the at bat.

At one point in the epic Game 6, it did come down to one of his at bats. He says that when he was up there batting, he felt completely calm. He was able focus so that he could do what he had to do to keep the team alive. He did. At the rest of the season's story is beautiful baseball history.

God didn't have to make Lance get the perfect hit. He just had to grant the grace of focus.

That's what I want in my life. God doesn't have to give me the specific things that I see as valuable. All I want is the grace and peace to focus on His will. All I want, when the big moments in my life come, is to be focus enough to hear His voice and calmly use the gifts He has given me to follow His will.

If I can do that, maybe, just maybe, the rest of my life will be beautiful history.

Give Me Jesus

"All I know is I'm not home yet. This is not where I belong. Take this world and give me Jesus. This is not where I belong."

I can identify with these words. I can connect with the pleading behind them. I have felt the sentiment expressed.

It's a fairly easy one for me to connect to...when life isn't going well.

When things are falling apart around me, when I'm feeling weighed down by the weight of things, I get the sentiment. Just takes this. Please, take these things, and give me Jesus.

It makes sense. Take away all of the things in my life that hurt me. Take away the things that cause me to worry.  Take away the suffering. Take this world, and give me Jesus. Give me love itself. Give me the source of all happiness. Give me the eternal bliss of the Heaven for which I was created.

I think though that I don't live the same trusting hopefulness for Heaven when things are going well. When good things are coming my way. When I'm living joy here on earth, I'm far less inclined to say "take this. I only want Jesus."

But isn't that what we are called to? Is that not what God asks of us? Shouldn't we long for Heaven even when our life in this world is good?

We are called to gratitude of course - called to thank God for His blessings and to be alive in them while we are here. But at every moment we should be able to honestly say I'm not home yet. Take this world and give me Jesus. This is not where I belong.

We should always want Heaven, want Jesus, more than anything on earth - more even then the very best things on earth.

God can have it all in my life. Even the good.

I'll give Him everything I have so that He can give me everything.