Women's Night Session 3, Part 2

I've heard it said that romance novels are porn for girls. I think that is very true. A large part of our attraction to romantic stories, movies, scenes in T.V. shows, and lyrics in songs is the false hope we have that they will satisfy our longing to experience these things in our own lives. In a way, we try to live through the lives of the characters. It is as if we actually believe that if we can feel close enough to that character or identify enough with the person on the receiving end of those lyrics, we will somehow feel better about our own situation. We all the know the classic scene from Titanic with Jack and Rose at the front of the boat, her arms spread wide, enjoying each other and the wind. Did you know that on boats now there is a person whose job it is to stand there, preventing people from recreating the scene. Something about that scene, about the story of Jack and Rose, captivated our culture in a very real way. So much so that so many people wanted to mimic it so perfectly that boat companies now have to hire an extra person for each trip. Why is all of this a problem? Well, lets look at the Jack and Rose love story. Who is Jack? He is nobody. He gambled his way on to the boat, he probably doesn't even have another change of clothes. He has no way to support Rose. And they knew each other for all of two days. Yet somehow we think that if only he hadn't frozen in the water, they would have had the perfect love story. The great danger is this. What we see on T.V. and in the movies, what we read about in romance novels, and what listen to in love ballads is NOT REAL LOVE. Joshua Harris said it well when he said, "The world takes us to a silver screen on which the flickering images of passion and romance play, and as we watch, the world says, 'This is love.' God takes us to the foot of a tree on which a naked and bloodied Man hangs and says, 'This is love.'" There is a categorical, astronomical difference between what the world tells us is love and what love actually is. The kind of love that we see in the movies and read about in books pales in comparison to the kind of love that God has in mind for us. What God calls us to in relationship is something far greater than could ever hope to be captured on screen. Even the greatest saints struggle to articulate it in their writings. God calls us to be a reflection of His very self. That's God's vision for love - a complete emptying of all that is selfish within us to make way for complete fulfillment in Him. When we attach ourselves to what the media portrays as love, we are cheapening our own understanding. We are not guarding what is precious within us. Instead, we are allowing the shallow standards of the world a chance to seep in and destroy what we know to be true. There is a song by Casting Crowns called Slow Fade. It describes the way that little things can lead to big sins. "People never crumble in a day; it's a slow fade." It is by giving away little pieces, bit by bit, that we end up with a destructive, dysfunctional understanding of love. We don't have to look far to see broken relationships. We encounter them daily, in the husband and wife that never stop fighting, in the boyfriend and girlfriend that can't seem to remain faithful, in the parents that can't keep their marriage together, in the abusive relationships, in the emotional and physical hurt. We don't have to look far to see a failed vision for love. In a world that only aides in such destruction, it is more important than ever to discover, embrace, hold on to, and protect God's vision. It is far more glorious than I could ever describe. It is the little choices we make each day that decide for us the kind of relationships we are going to have. We need to limit the media's influence. Our thoughts are a rehearsal for how we actually live. "Sow a thought, reap an action. Sow an action, reap a habit. Sow a habit, reap a character. Sow a character, reap a destiny." -Samuels Smiles If we can find ways to keep the media's disillusioned standard for love out of our thoughts (out of our minds), we will have more success at keeping it out of our actions, habits, character, and destiny.

Women's Night Session 3, Part 1

Last week's Women's Night was titled "Media/Guarding Your Heart/Emotional Chastity." If you are thinking that seems like a whole lot for one session, you're thinking correctly. We made it happen though! Not many people have heard the phrases "guarding your heart" and "emotional chastity." I'm still searching for the perfect definition, but the following one is sufficient for now. Guarding your heart simply means that you are careful with your heart because you value it as a gift from God, meant to be the place where He dwells within you. Emotional chastity acknowledges that the battle for purity is not only a physical one. When we are emotionally chaste, we are careful with where our emotions lead us; it perfects our ability to guard our hearts. Whereas physical purity protects what is exterior (our bodies), emotional purity protects what is interior (our minds and emotions). Please keep in mind that at no point in this post am I attempting to claim that girl's do not struggle with physical purity. To do so would be ludicrous and horribly ignorant. Physical purity is simply not the topic of this particular entry. Today's focus is the internal struggle. There certain thoughts that most girls have on a regular basis that are contrary to interior chastity. Here are a few examples. Girls meets guy. Girl finds guy attractive. Girl thinks about how her first name sounds with his last and practices signing her name with it to see if looks good. Guy walks by catching the attention of girl. Girl wonders what their kids would look like if they got married. In both scenarios, girl's thoughts probably linger long after the moment is past. And, if guy passes the name and kids tests, girl's thoughts probably go even further. Girl starts thinking about what they would talk about on dates; she imagines how he would smile as she walks down the aisle towards him at their wedding. In short, girl has officially begun mentally stalking guy. Mental fantasies, like those mentioned above, are not always sexual. It is far too easy to imagine and dream about our wedding day. When a guy hugs us, and it feels good, it is far too difficult to avoid replaying that hug and the way it felt in our minds over and over again. But these things are not emotionally chaste. Instead of protecting our hearts and emotions, they become the first steps in giving too much of ourselves away. There is a reason our minds and emotions do this. God created humans for relationship. Our minds and emotions (just like our bodies) are designed to draw us into intimacy. But that intimacy is designed to blossom and grow as we enter deeper and deeper into relationship with our spouse. When we allow those things to get out of hand now, we are taking away from the relationship for which they were created. Part 2 will go more in depth and look at how the media plays into this...

True Confessions

Recently, I was trying to remember the last time in my life that I wasn't overly distracted by a member of the opposite sex. I was racking my memories for a time when either I wasn't emotionally attracted to anyone or I was successfully guarding my heart AND my mind, despite an emotionally attraction.

I was (shamefully) unable to even THINK of a time that may have fit that description.

I've been reading "Every Young Woman's Battle" by Shannon Ethridge. Thus far, it is one of the best books on chastity I have ever come across. The message of the book has been reminding me of the standards I set for myself long ago. It has been holding me accountable to the things I so love to talk about and pray about and read about and yet (all too often) fail to live out.

It is so very easy for me to mentally stalk people. It is so very easy for me to use that boring moment in class, that time just before I fall asleep at night, that time when I really don't want to be doing homework, or that time when (you name it) happens, to day dream about relationships. Trust me, it's REALLY easy. I often find myself frustrated with my inability to focus on this current season in my life.

It is hard for me to embrace being single. It is hard for me to acknowledge that which I believe God is calling me to (marriage and motherhood), while remembering that it is NOT what God wants me to be focusing on now. I'm not talking about simply praying about my vocation or for my future spouse or children. I'm not talking about discerning what God wants for my future or for my relationships. I'm talking about allowing my thoughts and prayer life to be dominated by these things.

I'm talking about denying (through my thoughts and prayers) that God is calling me to great things in the present moment, and that He has graced this time in my life for something of value to His Kingdom.

I'm trying to learn to "bounce my thoughts." It is a wonderful concept introduced to me by this book. Whenever I start to notice that my thoughts and prayers are being far too consumed by my fantasies about the future, I quickly bounce to a healthier thought. I think about healthy ways to interact with my guy friends now. I pray about what I want my relationship with God to look like 5 years from now, a year from now, a month from now, and tomorrow. I try to focus on building my present-self into the best vision I can see, and I ask God for the grace to see His vision for me.

I was talking yesterday to a holy woman I am blessed to know. (Who, by the way, is recently married and pregnant!) As we were finishing our conversation, she laughed and said that she is so glad that this time in her life is over (the time I'm currently in). She said that as she was listening to me talk, she remembered how hard it was for her to wait patiently for God. She offered me (always necessary) hope that everything truly does happen in God's time. In fact, when God's time comes for those who have been faithfully waiting, there is nothing we can do to stop Him!

Space for God

Everything in this post is based on what I've learned from reading Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy.... I need to let God have more room in my life. I spend a lot of time dwelling on my future. I love thinking about being married and having children. Daydreaming about my future spouse has been one of my favorite pass-times for a long time now. I often fall asleep to thoughts about what I'll name my children and where I want to go on my honeymoon. I think that God is calling me to marriage, and I love swimming through fantasies centered around that call. My heart and mind are very much set on seeing these dreams unfold into the reality of my life. However, this book has shown me a greater reality. The deepest longings of my heart should be focused on God. My most enjoyable daydreams should involve greater spiritual intimacy with Him. Leslie refers often to an "inner sanctuary." That inner sanctuary is God's place within me. It is my first responsibility to protect that sanctuary. Nothing other than God should be allowed to enter there. My inner sanctuary is currently not filled with deep, passionate love for God. I've filled it instead with a longing for a future with the man of my dreams and our children. I see now the importance of giving that space back to God. It is in God that my greatest longings will be fulfilled. My inner sanctuary should be a place where my relationship with God is nurtured and allowed to grow and strengthen, not a place for me to imagine my future. If God wants my inner sanctuary intimacy with Him to be reflected in a relationship that is wonderful. In fact, I hope that is what God wants. Unfortunately, right now there is no intimacy with God to be reflected. All of the moments I spend blissfully longing for the man of my dreams are moments that I'm taking away from God and using for my own enjoyment. God deserves to dwell in my inner sanctuary without having to fight my earthly desires. My goal now is to give God what is rightfully His. As I build this place for God, I plan to faithfully wait in hope, trusting always in His divine grace, that He will write the beautiful story of my life in His time. He cannot do that, if do not give Him space to work.