Oh My...

I think it is fair to say that I'm having a minor, internal freak-out.

I've come to recognize that many times when I just seem annoyed, angry, or generally uncomfortable in my own self, there is usually something fairly big going on inside of me that interferes with my ability to control and interpret my emotions.

As I lay in bed last night, I was agitated.  This same thing had occurred for several preceding nights. I kept thinking about how wonderful it would be to go fishing, to be out on the river, in a boat, where my worries and thoughts seem to float peacefully along with the boat, where the gentle rocking back and forth seems to soothe the tension from my soul.

It was at this point that I noticed the recurring symptoms, the familiar inability to find internal peace. Then it hit me.  I'm not going back to Benedictine. I start teaching, actually teaching, very soon.  I have to buy a car. I have to start "the rest of my life." Now. Today. Yesterday. Even the days before that. All of those things I've always dreamed, hoped, and to which I have sensed a calling are bearing down on me suddenly.  Well, not really "suddenly." It has been 23 years in the making.  However, I am feeling it suddenly.

So I will continue into the days, weeks, and months ahead with this understanding in mind.  The understanding that I am afraid and I need not be.  How do I know? For the Bible tells me so. ;-)

Making Me Holy

I wouldn't call this a dry spell - though perhaps many would.  After all, it has many of the classic dry-spell characteristics: loneliness in prayer, feeling like God is not there.  However, I know that it is something more.

This is certainly a time of struggle.  God is stretching me in new directions.  He is challenging me in new ways.  I'm not learning this in my prayer. Rather, I am experiencing it in my life.  I feel justified in saying, "the hits just keep on coming."  I simply cannot seem to get on top.

It's nothing too big. Annoying conversations here.  Memory lapses there.  I've even found a whole lot of more-work-than-imagined mixed in as well. Some things are just constantly not going as planned, no matter how many times I alter the plan. This is a trying time in my life. There are many things I need to be doing to keep up, many that I want to be doing but cannot, and many more that I should be doing but am not. There is just a lot going.

The tricky part is that when I turn to God in prayer, I do not seem to meet a filling wellspring of faith, hope, love, and peace. I seem to meet silence. I pour out my heart, lay down my troubles, and wait. All I hear is silence. I know He is there.  I have no trouble believing that.  However, He is not responding.  He is testing my faith, teaching me to grow.

He is making me holy.

And it hurts. It's hard. To be honest, I'm not particularly fond of the whole process. However, I honestly want to place my life in His hands, to grow closer to Him, to live this life well so that I can be with Him forever in the next.  That means that today I will keep believing.  Today, I will choose to have hope.  I will continuing living and moving and praying.

One day, perhaps even today, I will thank Him for making me holy.

The Trials of Old

Today I stumbled across an old notebook with several journal entries. As I read and remembered, I came across this entry.  It is so very true.  The me of the past is speaking to the me of the present. And I would do well to listen...

April 25, 2007

For the first time, I actually feel a desire to grow closer to God. It used to always be something I prayed about because I knew I should. Now, I really want it.

I really want to carve out and protect a place within me for God. I think the starting point is in the things about which I think. In order for God to be my focus, I need to give Him a clear path to my heart. I spend too much time fantasizing about my future. I find it enjoyable, and a lot of times, I'm imagining things I desire and think will make me happy. The truth is that true happiness lies in God's will for my life.

The thoughts that will make me truly happy are those that center around Him. If I fall asleep thinking about scripture and meditating on the grace and glory of God, I will be peaceful and my time will have been better spent. After all, God is more worthy of my attention than the decor of my dream home. Such invading thoughts crowd God and limit His space in my life.

In Him

I try not to write too often about being single. This is true mostly because, more often than not, I'm complaining about it.  Not tonight. 

Tonight is different. It isn't about loneliness; it's about peace.  Because the truth is, I'm satisfied.

As I sit in my pajamas, winding down at the computer I feel myself grow more and more tired. I watch the clock as each passing minutes equates to fewer minutes I will be able to sleep.  And then, He speaks.

I hear a voice, speaking to the innermost part of my heart, telling me I should go to sleep now.  It's time. I need to rest.  As I'm overwhelmed by peace, I smile in agreement. The gentleness of His beckon reflects the depth of His love. 

I may be single, but I am not alone. He is with me. Loving and caring for every necessity. Calling me closer to Him.

Those other things that I long for are distant. It is He who is near.

And He is all I need.

Jon and Kate Plus 8 (again)

I read an article last night (that I can't find this morning, so no link...sorry) about the season premiere of Jon and Kate Plus 8. The journalist quoted Jon saying something to the effect of "this isn't what I signed up for." (He was referring to the scandal involving his fidelity as well as all the paparazzi) The journalist went on to say that by agreeing to do the show, Jon did sign up for it. I could not disagree more. I think that it is unfortunate that the media (and society) think that we have the rights to every detail of celebrities lives. Somehow we think that since we pay them to entertain us, we own a right to their lives. This becomes exceptionally problematic when it is considered along with the fact that (1) human satisfaction is found only in God and (2) modern man is notorious of seeking that satisfaction in all the wrong places. One of those places is the media. Since man asks more from the media (satisfaction) than it can provide (because it is not God), man consequently asks more of celebrities than celebrities should ever have asked of them. Jon and Kate offered us the opportunity to come into their lives. However, that invitation should not detract from their right to decide which parts we can see. We shake our heads, or laugh, or find it exceptionally entertaining when the lives of celebrities are falling apart, but no one seems to want to admit the role we play in the destruction. I will say this, Jon and Kate should have seen this coming. This is what we do to celebrities all the time. We build them up and give them fame so that we can enjoy watching them fall. It is despicable, but it is no secret. This song by Bebo Norman, about Britney Spears, sums it up well. (The video has some inappropriate images, so don't watch, just listen...I couldn't find one that didn't)