I Gain Nothing

"No," I said to no one in particular as I closed my Bible and set it on the floor.  ...Okay, maybe I was saying it to God...

"No," I said again, "I'm not interested in meditating on You loving and serving us."

Let me back up a minute.  Just before Lent started, I commited to a new method of praying with scripture. I made a list of the major "action" moments of Jesus' life from John's Gospel, and I've been working my way through the list.

Next up on the list: The Washing of the Disciples' Feet.

Now, back to the story...

I realized a couple of days ago that I'm really, totally, and completely kind of mad at God.  I feel like I've honestly given myself to Him.  I know I took a courageous leap of surrender by leaving my 2nd grade teaching job and coming to Springfield.  And even though I had no real expectations for what this journey would bring, I did expect that it would become something.

It doesn't seem like it has. I feel abandoned and forgotten.

This morning, I woke up to a text from a friend happily declaring that God is so good.  The text went on to describe the reasons why. I found myself thinking, "Of course. Because you aren't me, and God is willing to bring good things into your life."

Earlier this afternoon, I got a text from another friend asking for prayers.  My prayer was something along these lines: "God, please bring good things into _____'s life. Don't treat her the way You treat me. Let her be holy and HAPPY."

...did I mention that I'm kind of mad at God?

At one point, I even went so far as to let God know that I think He is taking advantage of the fact that He knows I won't walk away. This God thing - this faithful Catholic life thing- I'm all in.

Here's the truth of the matter though. We have to live the victory.

God does love me.  He does bring good things into my life. He doesn't do everything the way I would, but that is the biggest blessing He gives us.  Because He can see perfectly. His ways are best.

Does that suck sometimes?  Yes.  But only because we are human. 
Does it hurt like crazy sometimes? Yes.  But only because we are being made holy.
Does it look unreasonable and unfair sometimes? Yes.  But only because Satan is constantly clouding our vision.

Today, I'm standing at a crossroads.  I have a choice to make.  I can stand up, trust God to build the Kingdom with my suffering, and LIVE like I'm all in.  Or, I can continue about my life with my arms crossed in stubbornness, pretending like God owes me the life I envision for myself.

What do I want to do?  I want to be stubborn.  I want to wait and try to force God's hand.  I want to throw a mini-temper tantrum until He gives in.

But I gain nothing by holding on.

I gain nothing, but Satan wins.

I don't want to be someone who hands Satan a win.

So what am I going to do?

Well, first of all I'm going to pray that scripture I said no to this morning.  And I'm going to meditate on God made flesh kneeling before His Church -before me- and humbly and lovingly serving.

And I'm going to choose to trust that Jesus.  I will choose to trust that He is building.

Because I gain nothing by holding on.

Sacrifice

I've been thinking about sacrifice a lot lately. (Probably because it is Lent). I think that, unfortunately, Lent has slightly commercialized sacrifice. We tend to see Lent as time to give up something we enjoy in order to prepare ourselves for Christ's death and resurrection. Lent is that time. However, it is also something more. Lent is an opportunity to change and reform our lives. Lent is time for us to grow in the ways we sacrifice so that we are able to sacrifice in deeper ways throughout the year. A lot of times sacrifice seems illogical. It is true that it goes against human nature. Giving up something we enjoy for a greater good is not typical human tendency. However, we are called to rise above those tendencies into greater truth. In reality, sacrifice is one of the most logical things we can do. Every time we sacrifice something, we are saying that God and God's plan are more important to us than our wants and our plans. Sacrifice says that we trust God. Sacrifice allows us to clear out something in ourselves to make more room for God in our lives. Behind every visible sign of every sacrifice there lies deep spiritual truth. That truth tells us that God knows best. That truth is something that Abraham understood when he took his son up the mountain to sacrifice him for God. That action was Abraham saying God's plan is better than my own. Abraham had a plan for him and his son. He waited a long time to have a son. He was old, and his son was a big help. Abraham was counting on his son in the future. However, when God asked Abraham to make the sacrifice, he was willing to do so. This is because he knew that despite the wonderful plan he thought he had, God's plan was better. That truth is something the Israelites in Exodus didn't even come close to understanding. God asked them to spend three days sacrificing and preparing themselves to meet him face to face. They couldn't do it. They didn't see how God's plan was better. Consequently, they missed out on a powerful physical encounter with God. That truth is something that Jesus understood to the highest degree when he sacrificed himself on the cross. He didn't have to do it. He could have gotten down. He could have run away. During the agony in the garden Jesus shows us what true trust in God looks like. He prayed that God's will be done over his own. Then, on the cross, he showed us what true sacrifice looks like. We are called to sacrifice in the same ways. We are called to choose God's will over our own. This Lent, while we are making sacrifices, let's focus on how these sacrifices will allow God to guide our lives. Let's focus on how we need to learn to constantly allow God's plan to prevail over our own.