2009 Awards (and Other Things From This Year)

LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend)
Kayla Hartmann (again this year - she will probably always win)

NEWCOMER AWARD - NEWEST FRIEND
Sarah Farley (she isn't entirely "new" but I'm in charge here so she wins anyway)

MOST UNDERSTANDING FRIEND
Dazzers! (Which says a lot because we are so very, very different, which used to always leave her helpless when it came relating to me)

HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR
The summer with the youth group

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR
The beginning of the Fall 2009 semester was rough. It was hard to be away from the youth group, I wasn't used to all the reading I had to do for my classes, and sound stuff for ministry was difficult beyond my level of competence.

BEST HOLIDAY
Thanksgiving

BEST SONG FOR 2009
When the Saints by Sara Groves ties with Empty and Beautiful by Matt Maher (neither of which are newly written in 2009)

BEST MOVIE WATCHED
The Bourne movies were a large part of the Spring semester

BEST BOOK READ
Brideshead Revisited

ALL AROUND GREAT FRIEND TO HAVE
Pete


RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR
Westside Pizza

BEST PROFESSOR
Dr. Blosser - and I am NOT just saying that because there is a chance he will read it.  Dr. White was a very close second.

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR
CORE Team

MOST STUPID IDEA
To take Francis and Pio instead of Church History I. [Francis and Pio was not a stupid class, but I couldn't think of a single other bad decision all year ;-)]

BIGGEST CHANGE
hmmmm..... I'm open to suggestions on this one

BEST CLASS
Another tie: Theology and the Arts or New Testament II  (Side Note: It is really hard to think back on a year and have to consider semesters from two different school years)

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION
To become the person God wants me to become. (and to grow in charity)

A New Perspective

Remember this?

God reminds me time and time again that there is such value and goodness in my current state of life.  He has big plans for me now, not just in the future.  The purpose of my life is not limited to my future vocation - a lesson I am very slow to learn

"Suffering is not sanctified by those who suffer in this life because of wounded pride, envy, jealousy etc. How much suffering we create for ourselves! This cross is not Christ's but comes precisely from being far away from Him. This cross is one's own and it is heavy and fruitless." - In Conversation With God: Advent and Christmas, page 256.

As demonstrated by the link above, there are times when I am burdened by what I do not have.  But how much of this is Christ's cross and how much of it is self-imposed?  I'm not exactly sure.

All I really know is that, far too often, I take this time in my life for granted.  And I shouldn't.  Doing so keeps me far from Him.

15 Years of Wedded Bliss

I'll keep waiting. Besides, I have still have a lot to surrender and learn.

Quickly

1.) Tonight I joined the other ladies (mostly from the generation before mine) on my street for the annual cookie exchange. I'm tired. Somehow, even though I'm student teaching next semester, graduating in May, and then going on a trip to Israel, my life just isn't that interesting.  At least, it isn't interesting enough to hold a conversation with a neighbor for more than 3 minutes. It was a bit of a long night. The worst part is that it turned into some kind of emotional chastity disaster. Okay, I'm being somewhat dramatic. BUT, I really do think that if I were married and had kids the whole event would have been more enjoyable. Then, I would have had something to tell.

2.) Tomorrow morning I must complete the task that comes every year around this time. I have to take my younger brother Christmas shopping. I asked him where he wanted to go - he doesn't know. I asked what he needed to buy - he doesn't know. I asked who he needed to shop for - everyone. This should be fun.

3.) I'm so sick of hearing about/seeing flashes on T.V. of/running into magazine articles about Tiger Woods. I almost blogged about it. But then I realized that would just add to the madness. Instead, I will link to the author of a very good blog, who had this to say about the situation.

4.) My family and I had a small (and very, very annoying) argument about where to display the nativity scene. We have almost always put it under the Christmas tree. It's small statues have been knocked over and glued back together several times throughout the years. And it often makes the presents hard to access and place. These, however, where not the main reasons I wanted it displayed elsewhere this year. I thought it should go on top of the mantle. That way, people could have a better view of it and use it to stimulate reflection (gasp!) on the holy day for which we are preparing.  It started out as a friendly discussion between my mom and I. Then it escalated slightly when my dad and younger brother got involved. That was on Saturday afternoon, and as things currently stand, the nativity set is still packed away in a box downstairs.

Oh How I Need Him

A month or so ago, I went through a period of a couple weeks where I listened to Danielle Rose's song Give and Take each night while I laid in bed praying.  The lyrics are beautiful, and I found that they really helped me put my life in perspective. Throughout the song, the lyrics encourage a desire to surrender everything, to give up anything necessary to be close to God.  Not only that, but to do so joyfully, praising God for the blessings that remain.

One night, as I prayed I told God, with a mixture of guilt and desperation, that I just couldn't do it. My love for Him was lacking something necessary. And in that moment, in my mind, I saw Jesus on the road to Calvary.  As I told Him that I wasn't enough, that I couldn't do it, He looked back at me and said in a tender, yet sorrowful, voice, "I know."  And He turned around, and continued carrying the cross, to His death, for my salvation. Because I couldn't do it.

Last night, during adoration at XLT, I was meditating on the story of the loaves and fishes. I placed myself in the character of the young boy.  I imagined myself working hard to catch those fish. I imagined getting the bread and preparing to take both back to my mom. All the while, in the background of the scene, but constantly making its way to the forefront of my mind, I saw a large crowd, gathered around one Man, listening to Him preach.  As the disciple approached me, telling me that this man was the Messiah and that He wanted to feed everyone gathered there, and then asking me if I would give what little food I had, the story stopped.  Suddenly I wondered, was this all the food the boy had?  Did he give his whole basket, or just some so that there would still be food to take back to his family?

Since I was imagining myself as the boy, I had a decision to make. Would I give my whole basket?  But how could I? I mean, wouldn't Jesus want me to still have food to take to my family?

I stood in line for Reconciliation as the band played The Stand. One of lines says "So I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe, of the One who gave it all..." Of the One who gave it all.  I couldn't give my whole basket; I couldn't give it all. But Jesus, He is the One who gave it all.  He held nothing back.

My Father in Heaven knew, eternally, that I could not do it. That He would have to send His only Son to do it for me. As I struggle to find joy, to be at peace with praising Him for what remains what I give all to Him, and I as sit there, holding on to my basket, trying to justify not giving Him the whole thing, He picks up His cross, walks the road to Calvary, suffers and dies. And His Father responds to His offering by continually showering grace upon me in my imperfection.  All of this so that, one day, I may be close to Him, when nothing, not even the failures of my life, will stand between us and our love.

Oh how I need Him.

Because She Asked Me To

I am so distant.  God is there, very close. But I, I am far away.  December has been one of those months.  For some reason, I can't seem to bring myself to a confessional.  I can't seem even to bring myself to much prayer.  Last night, I laid in bed, In Conversation With God in hand, and there it was, all right before. And I, I was distant.

I read about interior mortification.  I knew, though much of me wanted to hide it, that this would not be easy.  I take such delight in the wandering of my mind. Last night, I was reminded of just how much that deprives God of me now. Or rather, how much that deprives me of God.

I didn't want to pray. I would say that I couldn't. I would claim that Satan or something had a hold on me that I couldn't escape. But it wouldn't be true.  The biggest thing I was fighting was myself.

The prayer that has come so easily to me lately struggled to fight its way to the surface. What was the point really?  Even Mary seemed so far away.  In her I saw condemnation. I saw disappointment.  I saw the harsh reality of all that scared me. Would I dare to draw close?  Would the terrible judgment of her gaze break me apart.  Suddenly I knew, though I certainly didn't feel, that this was not the woman I have come to love. And the woman that she is, wanted me to draw close.

And so I prayed those ancient words.  Not because I wanted to. Not because it was the easiest thing to do, or because I saw a purpose.  I held my breath, shut my eyes tight, and through no power of my own I asked for Our Mother's powerful intercession because I knew that I should. Because she asked me to.

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let all men know your forbearance. The Lord is at hand. Have no anxiety about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7

I Am Not She

Dearest Love,

Christmas is approaching.  As I journey through this season of preparing for Your humble yet glorious birth, I am reminded of the depth and power of Your love for me.  I want to try to express to You something of what my relationship with You means to me.

Life is not easy.  I am young, but I learned this lesson long ago.  So often my relationship with You suffers from shallowness of waters.  Many times, I am consumed by this world and its difficulties.  While Your love for me transcends into eternity, I myself am unable to move beyond the confines of this world.

I have said, on multiple occasions, that I cannot imagine my life without You.  I have said that all is confusing enough with You in my life.  Tonight, I question how much I have actually let You in.  I cannot deny, nor do I wish to, that every good thing in my life is a blessed gift from above, and that every good action is done only because of Your grace.  However, I wonder how much I am actually living this life without You.

In the depths of my heart, I think that I love You.  And I think that love is motivated by genuine intentions, that it is pure and selfless.  But how pure of a love can it be if I’m not allowing it to change me.  If I ignore promptings that are likely to be from You, I am no closer to You than had I never heard them.

I have learned a lot about You these past three and half years.  I do believe that You have wanted me to do so.  Somewhere along the way, or maybe this was a problem before these years started, I stopped asking to be transformed.  Many of my prayers became nothing more than thoughts directed at no one in particular.

I wanted to write a letter in which I could express to You how much I love You.  I wanted it to be filled with the beautiful language of which You are deserving.  I wanted to detail, in small ways, the joys and sorrows of this life we share together.  Instead, I am left lamenting.  The words necessary to express what I am like on the inside are not the words I long to use.

My Jesus, my sweet, loving Jesus, I am broken.  There is far too much of me, and far too little of You.  And I hear You calling Lord.  I hear the tenderness of Your beckon.  But my response is not coming easily.  My soul is nearly collapsing under the pressure of this moment.  Lord, I do not know how to say Yes.  Mary, Your Mother, my Mother … our Mother, lived so beautifully and so perfectly that for which I do long. I do. But I am not she.  I am not she…

But she will pray for me Lord.  And those who lived the faithful life before me will beg for me at the feet of Your Father.  And slowly, very slowly, my heart will change.  Do I believe that?  Will I live like I do?

I am here Lord.  My soul is fighting against the strong jaws of my flesh.  They want desperately to snap shut. To block You out. To remain the same.  They are trapped in the heavy chains of fear. And my soul is struggling. Struggling.

I need Your grace Jesus.  My Love.  I cannot ask for it enough. I cannot desire it enough.  I cannot be enough.  But Your grace is enough.  It will be enough.  It is enough.

For The Record

I don't like this blog template or the colors.  I've spent the last 20 minutes changing everything back and forth and trying different color schemes.  I'm not happy with it. But I'm leaving it.  One of my tasks for Christmas break will be to learn enough html code to make my own template.

My Past Suffering and Sin Haunts Me. What Can I Do?

What follows was a facebook message response to a personal seeking of advice.  All of the personally identifying content has been removed.  A few minor additions and removals have also occurred.

I think that God's mercy is one of the toughest aspects of His love for us to understand. At times, it is even more difficult to accept.

The good news is that you and I are blessed to be part of a faith that promises hope, and we are children of a God who never ceases to love and forgive us. The walls that you have described building between you and God hold no power against the merciful and loving will of our Father.

Part of the beauty of our Church lies in the Sacramental life. Go to reconciliation. Seek and receive forgiveness. In forgiveness we find love, and in love (real love) we come to know our true value.

Have hope. All is not lost. God redeems us. Your purity is not merely a thing of the past, it is also the future God is leading you to embrace. Be truly repentant for your wrongs and make amends for your sins, but trust in His mercy as well.

Remember that your suffering is not the end of the story. Peter Kreeft said, "perhaps we are sharing in a suffering we do not understand because we are the objects of a love we cannot understand."  As Christians, we are called to believe that God has a loving plan for us that is so great we cannot comprehend it. The challenge for you now is to trust that through what has happened, God is working great things in your life. In his letters, St. Paul talks about the paradox of the cross. God's glory is made most visible in the humiliation of crucifixion. In the same way, God's glory will be made more visible in you as you heal from the past that has hurt you.

God's beauty is within in you. Your honesty and your willingness to embrace His Truth will truly set you free. Although it will take time, through that freedom you will come to love God and those around you in a more perfect, more complete way.

 Be willing to change.  Have hope. Always have hope.

Would There Be a Padre Pio Without St. Francis?

The Franciscan friars largely dictated the way that Padre Pio lived for the majority of his life.  For this reason, the spirituality and practices of St. Francis marked many of the integral elements of who Padre Pio was.  He was formed by the legacy of Francis.  The question of whether there would have been a Padre Pio without St. Francis is one that requires a delicately balanced response.  One must find a reply that acknowledges the practical and spiritual implications imparted upon Pio by St. Francis, while simultaneously avoiding the diminishment of the power of God’s grace upon a soul regardless of circumstance.  Did Padre Pio benefit from the life and holiness of St. Francis?  Yes.  It is likely that Pio studied Francis closely, gleaning from him every ounce of wisdom available.  However, Pio was blessed with many graces and experience, from his childhood to his death, which allowed him to be someone Francis could never have been.  Not someone better or holier, but someone with a unique calling.  Someone whose journey to holiness would touch lives in a way Francis’s could not.  There are many similarities between the two.  However, there are also key differences, which make each one holy.  Padre Pio became the man of God the world knew him to be not because he mimicked the life of St. Francis perfectly.  Rather, he became the individual that God asked him to become.

Theology and Art

In the Incarnation, God took on flesh.  The invisible became visible. Man enters into, on a lesser scale, the same action of God when he becomes an artist.  Art takes form and gives it matter.  It expresses what man has previously only experienced.  In doing so, art leads man to God.  In expressing truth about a real human experience, art becomes an expression of God.  And it is God that man sees in art.

 

Special thanks to Dr. Jamie Blosser whose impeccable sense of precision allows him to stay within the lines when he colors and whose uncanny ability to choose the absolute best color makes his work pleasant to view, both of which enable the viewer to encounter a reality that leads him to God.

At the Crucifixion

I was reading Padre Pio's reflections in the book The Agony of Jesus.  Pio writes, "He sees His throat and entrails on fire with a burning thirst, and to add to this agony, a drink of vinegar and gall."  to add to this agony... suddenly it all made a little bit more sense.  It was another way to torture Him. I'd always thought this part of the story a bit odd, but always just brushed over it.  Why would the men torturing Jesus, crucifying Him, offer Him something to drink when He was He is thirsty?  It doesn't seem to fit their characters.  Thankfully, Padre Pio cleared things up for me.

HAPPY LITURGICAL NEW YEAR!!!

I love advent.  If fall is my favorite season of the secular year, then advent is my favorite season of the liturgical year.  The joyful anticipation that comes with advent is inspiring.  As I prepare my heart to enter into the mystery of the Incarnation again this year, there is excitement within in me.  It's as if soon (and very soon ;) ) I will encounter something big. Something huge. Something life-changing.  And while all of that depends in a large way on my ability to maintain a disposition that is open to grace, it all seems doable somehow.  Perhaps Our Mother Mary begs for us at the side of her Son a bit more fervently this time of year.  (It is likely that is not theologically correct.  It would probably be more accurate to say that as we enter more deeply and openly into her life, we ask for and receive more blessings through her and the hand of her Son.)  Maybe the hustle and bustle, though at times nothing more than a distraction, stirs us up just enough inside of us so that we aren't lazy.  We're moving.  We're active.

This advent I need to be centered.  I need to focus.  I need the kind of discipline that comes only from peace.  May Mother Mary be my guide.  Under her mantle, wrapped up in her prayers, maybe I'll be blessed with a small taste of what she was fully.  Maybe my heart will become more like hers.  Perhaps, through her intercession, I will learn to wait with the joyful, peaceful anticipation with which she waited all those years ago.

Maybe, just maybe, my waiting will be filled with humble surrender.

Some of God's Many Blessings

In honor of this nation's holiday here are some of these things I'm thankful for:

• My family. We aren't perfect. Most days, we aren't even close. But there has never been a time in my life when I've felt like I couldn't go home.  There has never been a time in my life when my home has not be open to me. Are we going to win the award for the world's closest family? Probably not.  That doesn't matter though.  What does matter is that we do our best, that we love each other, and that, no matter what, we will always be family.
• The girls that I live with now and have ever lived with. My life with them is kind of crazy and almost always random. Most of the time, that is probably my fault. But the things I have learned and am learning about myself because of them are invaluable. I love the woman they call, encourage, and help me to be. 
• My Benedictine friends. The majority of the college experience is the people making the journey with you. I couldn't have asked for holier, happier, or better people. 
• My Tech Team: I could not be the sound tech I am without them. They put up with me when I'm stressed. They're there when I can't be.
• The 8:00pm mass people.  They really are a highlight to my week.  I love taking to them through the monitor. Working with them is just plain fun. Praying with them is even better.  Standing together as we help the community worship more fully is truly an honor.
• The Slobodnik's. Elizabeth teaches me so much.  David brings joy and peace and baby to my life.
• The Humberg's.  Every last one of them.  Angela and Jeff for welcoming me into their home, to their dinner table, and into the lives of their children.  Benedict for the way he reminds me to play. William for all of the ways he seems to read my needs and respond accordingly. Elizabeth for always making me feel welcome and right at home. Sarah for the way she always honest and helpful.  Hannah for playing with me and wanting my attention. And Vincent.  For being a constant example of how sometimes the best things in life are hard work and demand sacrifice. This big family gives me hope and so much more.
  
• My professors. It is a great gift to be able to learn from them. More importantly, I will forever be changed because they have invested so much of themselves-way beyond academics. In many ways, they are examples of life lived in holiness.
• My CCD students. The hour I spend with them a week is too short. They make me laugh. They make want to scream. They challenge me as a teacher.
• Assumption. It is blessing to have a Parish that is, without question, my home. Not only does it provide me the Sacraments, but it also stands as familiar pillar in who I will always be.
• The teens at youth group. Talk about a source of joy. These people may be young, but they sure know how to impact lives. Mine is proof of that. Never will I be the same. They keep me young. They keep me striving for holiness.
• The CORE team. Standing next to these people I get the strange feeling that I can do anything.  Anything. The friendships are great. The ministry is an even bigger blessing.
• My STL friends.  They are a large part of the reason I come back.  Who I am today is largely shaped by the person they helped to form. Whether we are getting ice cream from Coldstone or coffee from Starbucks or anything else in between, I'm thankful.
  

Quoting the Great C.S. Lewis

"It is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you talk to may one day be a creature which, if you saw it now, you would be strongly tempted to worship, or else a horror and a corruption such as you now meet, if at all, only in a nightmare. All day long we are, in some degree, helping each other to one or other of these destinations. It is in the light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and the circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another, all friendships, all loves, all play, all politics.  There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilization - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendours.  This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of that kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously - no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be a real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinner - no mere tolerance of indulgence with parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment.  Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbour is the holiest object presented to your sense." Taken from The Weight of Glory

May we always remember the undying importance of all our encounters.  May we encounter each person, new and old, asking how God is calling us to lead him to Heaven.

CCD Class Last Night

Teacher: what is the name for the state of our souls when they are being purified for Heaven?

Student: Oh! I know, I know!

Teacher: Yes, (student's name)?

Student: Puberty!

Teacher: (trying not to laugh) Close. Purgatory.

This is how we deal with spiders...

Update

Jake (the little boy in the picture below) is scheduled to have a surgery to remove the brain tumor tomorrow morning (Friday) at 7:30am. Please remember him in your prayers.

Halloween

The much anticipated, much debated holiday approaches this weekend. I've already bought the candy to give out to trick-or-treaters, and I can't wait to see all of the cute kids in their costumes. I never knew there was anything controversial about the holiday until I came to college. I'd never heard of people dressing up as saints. I don't have very strong opinions on the matter. I don't really have much of a reason to right now. While I do find it questionable to have children walking around dressed like demons, witches, or ghosts, I don't think it's necessary to dress up like a saint (and certainly not to avoid the holiday all together). Also, I must admit, that I refused to put jack-o-lantern stickers on my CCD students' homework since the tradition involves the Evil Spirit of Halloween (or something like that). This article on First Things offers some interesting insights. I like what she has to say. Although her argument presented isn't perfect, I like the challenge to live the liturgy fully.

Imagine the Garden of Eden. Draw it.

Those were the instruction given to our 5th grade CCD class.  Here are the results.

Notice the two main trees from the story....

This one has the most detail...

Notice the dialogue:

Snake: Eat it!

Eve: Ok. Adam come here. Eat this.

Adam: It was good.

And now God speaks:

"Where are you?"

Meditation Assignment: Romans

For my meditation project, I chose to commit to weekly scripture reading. I had, in the past, been committed to the daily exercise of meditating on scripture, and I had been blessed to enjoy its many fruits. For reasons that are actually nothing more than worthless excuses, I fell out of this habit. That was a year and a half ago. I have made many feeble attempts to pick up the practice again, but I have found little success. I entered into this assignment with much excitement. Finally, I would have to be dedicated. I would have to follow through. This is homework after all.


I began by spending some time prayerfully considering where to begin my reading. Over the summer, I found myself frequently inspired by the second reading at mass. Since this is usually from one of St. Paul’s letters, I chose that as my starting point. I decided to start at the beginning. Romans 1. It didn't take long for me to realize that this wasn’t going to be as easy as I had hoped. I didn't get very far before I was lost in my head. What was Paul talking about? What do his words mean in terms of justification? Does he support a belief in predestination? What was it that Luther said about this part? Do our works really matter? Stop. I needed to stop. This wasn’t what was supposed to be happening. I was supposed to be opening my mind and my heart. I was supposed to be allowing God to speak to me. I needed to stop making everything an intellectually theological debate.

According to the catechism, meditation is supposed to deepen my faith. It should convert my heart and strengthen me to do God’s will. Instead, it was confusing me in my faith. It didn't even have a chance to reach my heart because I was so caught up in my head. I couldn't hear God’s will through what I was reading. I was getting discouraged.

Perhaps the obvious decision would have been to choose something else in the Bible. Whether it was pride and stubbornness or some sort of noble determination is debatable, but either way, I stuck with Romans. I decided that no matter what happened during my prayer time, I was going to end on a good note. I would end with a resolution – something from the scripture I had read that I could incorporate practically into my day that day.

This proved to be a big help to me. Knowing that the resolution was coming at the end helped me to focus during the process. I began reading the chapter for the day slowly, trying to consider its words carefully with my mind and my heart. Through that process, I discovered a new trust in God. I knew that not all of the words had to make sense in my head. I knew that I could struggle with the theology and everything would still be okay. I learned how to trust that while God’s words will always contain greater depths of meaning than I could hope to grasp, He will always send His Spirit upon me to enlighten me. He will always lead me to the understanding necessary for me to grow closer to Him.

This served as a metaphoric reminder to me for my life. I was not in a good place spiritually throughout the duration of this project. My life seemed like a dark abyss that was approaching with increasing speed and against my will. I couldn't see where God was taking me. I couldn't understand how He was working in my life. However, just as I learned to trust Him in my prayer, I learned to trust Him (again) in my life.

God’s will is not that much clearer to me. The abyss is still there. But my mind has learned to listen to my heart a little bit better, and, by uniting them in prayer, I have been given the strength to trust God in the moment. To ask myself what He wants of me now. Today. Whether Paul thought we are justified by faith or by works can wait. There is something more important, because today, God is calling me to be quiet, to approach Him in humility, and to listen.

Prayer Request

Her name is Brigitte. She is the best friend in the memories of my early grade school days.  His name is Jake. He is Brigitte's two year old brother who is fighting cancer.  Today, their family received the devastating news that Jake's brain tumor has returned. They are a strong family who is learning a difficult lesson about radical trust and surrender to God. Please, please keep them in your prayers.

Ecumenical Development

This is exciting!

What the Future Holds

Sometimes, when I look to the future with great hope in what is to come, it hurts. Some days, firmly believing that I am called to be a wife and a mother while remaining (seemingly) so far from a relationship is painful. It hurts to know that I have to keep waiting.

My life is better when I'm around kids.  I see more meaning and purpose in my life when I'm able to give myself to children. I love being in the home. Being around mothers gives me energy.  I breathe more easily. I love more freely.

For whatever reason, for better or for worse, my life just makes more sense when I'm holding a child.  I understand more of who I am and who I want to be. In those moments, it seems that I am finally able to see in myself some of the good that God sees.

It just fits me. I don't know whether that is good or bad. Some may say it is an emotional response upon which I am placing too much emphasis. Perhaps there is some truth to that. I don't know. What I do know is that one of the hardest realities in my life right now is that I have to graduate soon. And with that, comes the beginning of the rest of my life. Only God knows what is in store. But the sadness, fear, and absolute devastation that accompanies the moment when I look ahead and see just how long I might have to continue waiting is more than I can bear. It makes offering up my sufferings harder. It makes surrender more difficult.

You may have noticed that I changed the name of my blog. I'm certain that this new name will constantly be applicable to my life. Right now, in this situation, the waiting part is a given. The patience part is probably never coming.

Obama and Nobel Prize

I actually hate politics. I don't like having to have an opinion, and I don't like to voice it when I do. But this is not necessarily a political discussion.  It's no secret that I disagree with President Obama on many, many issues for concrete reasons.  However, my issue today is less with him and more with the Nobel Committee itself.  My arguments will be brief, because their own words act as the best argument against themselves.

The following quotations are from this yahoo news article.

"Members of the Norwegian Nobel Committee said their choice could be seen as an early vote of confidence in Obama intended to build global support for his policies."

So basically, a prestigious award intended to honor those people who have accomplished great things in promoting and creating peace in the world has had its very purpose diminished in the name of encouraging the world to support someone's policies. They are using the clout of the award as a means to making a political statement. This sounds to me like manipulation.

"This is probably an encouragement for him to act. Let's see if he perseveres. Let's give him time to act," Walesa said.

The committee is banking on the possibility of Obama being successful.  They are using the award not to honor him for the work he has done, but to encourage him to do work. It doesn't even seem to matter if he does ever accomplish anything.  We should just wait and see what happens. 

"In less than a year in office, he has transformed the way we look at ourselves and the world we live in and rekindled hope for a world at peace with itself," ElBaradei said. "He has shown an unshakable commitment to diplomacy, mutual respect and dialogue as the best means of resolving conflicts."

Diplomacy, mutual respect, and dialogue.  These are the main goals to which Obama has committed himself.  All I'm going to say is that in those goals I hear moral relativism.  I hear no attempt at finding the Truth and defending it. Once again, the pursuit of common ground has taken precedence over the pursuit of absolute truth.

One final point.  The place in this world that should be the most comforting, the safest, and the most peaceful is the mother's womb. The world's most vulnerable members have no protection, no peace. And Obama doesn't care.

100

This is my 100th blog post.

I wanted to do something special, something to commemorate this milestone. But I can't. It just isn't working.  The "right" thing isn't coming to me. It has gotten ridiculus. There have been many things about which I have wanted to blog, but I haven't done so because I wanted this post to be different.

Well, I'm tired of waiting. So, this is it. 100 blog posts. Wahoo.

Longer School Days?

In this article from yahoo, I read about President Obama wanting longer school days and shorter summers.

My first response? Yea. That'll be good for family life...

Kids today spend far too much time away from their parents. They spend far too much time away from their siblings. They spend far too much time outside of the family. The Catechism of the Catholic Church calls the family to be a community of faith, hope, and charity; it is a "privileged community, the "original cell of social life." The Catechism states that society has a particular responsibility to support and strengthen the family. (CCC, 2204-2210)

In order for a family to be everything the Church tells us it is, the family memebers must physically be present to each other. That is how a family functions. Through the good times and the bad times, through the sibling rivalries and the fun of sharing time together, through the challenges of living together in love, and through the perfection and holiness that come as a result, a family is meant to be together.

That said, am I fully opposed to longer school days? Unsure. As true as everything I have said is and as much as I believe that it is the vision for family life we need in today's world, there is still one problem.

As a future teacher, a large part of my training has addressed the sad fact that not everyone's home life is good. There are many, many kids in our communities today who don't have the opportunity to experience that kind of family life. For many kids, school is the only structure in their lives. The school becomes the only place where they feel safe. Their teachers become the only people who seeem to love them. What about those kids? For those kids a longer school could be a blessing. A longer school day means that they are supervised longer. A longer school day means another meal that fills them. A longer school day means more time that they won't be around drugs and alocholic, abusive parents. A longer school day means they will be less neglected.

I don't agree with President Obama's motives. I don't think family life should be sacrificed in the name of competing with the test scores of the other industrialized nations. However, his poor motive doesn't necessarily make the whole idea terrible...

There never seems to be an easier answer...comment with your thoughts; I'd love to know what you are thinking.

It's Not Really That Simple

"Modern Beauty." That is the title of Mary Kay magazine's new "look." My copy of the magazine came in the mail today, and I laughed upon reading that term on the cover. Modern Beauty. As if beauty today is somehow a different thing than beauty in the past. On page 4 of the magazine is this quote,

It's simple. It's soft. It's glowing. Beauty today embraces all things feminine. This is empowered femininity. It's you looking and feeling pretty while living life to its fullest. So experiment. Play. Be you.

Suddenly, because we have progressed towards this new, modern beauty, we have a way to embrace all that is femininity. It seems to be saying that since we've conquered this whole outward beauty (because this is a make-up magazine) thing now women can be empowered. Notice how this magazine chooses to define this empowered femininity. "It's you looking and feeling pretty while living life to its fullest." When I read "living life to its fullest" I can't help but see a cry for further power. We've conquered beauty, so now let's go conquer the rest of the world. "It's simple. It's soft. It's glowing." We've got it. Now that we've "embrace(d) all things feminine," now that we possess beauty and femininity we're ready to show our power. "It's simple."

Yea right. I believe that almost as much as I believe Santa Claus still comes down the chimney bringing me my Christmas presents.

Everything in the preceding paragraphs is about as far as possible from embracing and empowering femininity. Do you know why? Because it is based on the disillusion that arrogant confidence, isolating independence, and manipulative power make up true femininity. I don't believe that the essence of woman wants to continue fruitlessly pursuing the demands of the world. I don't think the essence of woman wanted to start that empty chase at all.

The saddest part is that the words used in that magazine are meant to be words of freedom. They are meant to be words that give women permission to "be you." But they are the same words that are trapping women. They aren't giving her the keys to freedom. They are continuing the lie. They pretend that the facade of a strong and empowered exterior is what a woman needs to be happy, to find fulfillment, and to encounter who she really is.

Woman does not find herself in the constant fight of the world. Rather, she finds herself when she steps away from a desperate attempt to "feel pretty" and "experiment" with the ways of the world. She finds herself when she trades this shallow vision of femininity for God's true vision.

Beauty is not something that modernity has perfected. True beauty is what will perfect modernity.

First Day of Fall

Take a deep breath. Do you feel that? This is the time of year when the crispness of the air makes it feel good to breathe. Fall has officially begun.

Between the crunch of the leaves, the chill of the wind, the smell of fires burning, the taste of soup and the warmth it brings to my lungs, and the depth and richness of color outside, I could enjoy no season more.

Fall is a time of death. The world outside must slowly die so that it can resurrect again in the life of springtime. This is a season I can identify with.

The magic of it all lies in the beauty of this death. Fall is beautiful. If we let this be an example to us of the human person we will find true beauty in our own dying to self. As we surrender our lives, as we empty ourselves of all that is self-serving and prideful, we encounter the beauty of a life lived in accordance with God's will.

Go ahead. Breathe again. And this time, when you do, make it a conversation with the God of the universe.

The Things We Say

Daz: I know! I'm going to get some of my sherbet and put 7-up in it and have...a...
Melissa: A sherbet float?
Daz: No...what's called...it's something...
Melissa: It's a float. Put Vodka in it if you want to call it something else.
Daz: PUNCH! That's what it's called.

The Things We Say

Today in Theology of the Church Dr. Blosser called on Karmen to answer a question. She didn't know exactly what he was talking about, so her answer wasn't perfect. Later this conversation occured...

Dr. Blosser: Karmen, do again what you did before. Can you do that?

Karmen: What? Not know the answer?

The Things We Say

I'm not sure why it took until today for me to realize this brilliant idea. My friends and I love to laugh. And we find each other (and ourselves) very funny - frequently when no one else sees any humor at all. SO - here's to a new "feature" on my blog, one that will allow you to share in the pleasure of the things we say...

(As we are thoroughly enjoying eating the cookie dough we mixed up without intending to ever bake):

Daz: What are we going to do when we aren't in college anymore.
Me: The same things, just lonelier.

{I have this feeling my apartment may be the only ones who enjoy these posts...)

Today

Today I am grateful that while I frequently abandon God, He never abandons me. Today I am hoping that I figure out a less stressful way to manage my week. Today I am discerning what God wants for me in the present moment. Today in my prayer life I will not neglect personal conversation with God.

Today my friendships will grow because Kristie brought back the missing Alias disc. Today my mind will be fed by my homework.

Today I will celebrate the blessing of a fresh beginning of the week. Today I will be a better daughter because I will hold my family more deeply in my prayers. Today I will be a better student because I will not procrastinate [too much ;) - Alias is back...] Today I will live Catholicism by enjoying St. Paul's letter to the Romans.

Judgment Day

I was home this past weekend and had the opportunity to watch the funeral mass of Ted Kennedy as well as the brief prayer at the Capitol building and bits of the burial. I found myself proud to be Catholic. There was something empowering about seeing three former presidents as well as the current president present at Mass - though I know they are not in full communion with the Church. I felt proud to know something of the power and meaning behind the rituals they witnessed. I was honored to believe with all my heart in the Real Presence of Jesus Christ in the Liturgy they attended. I was pleased to be part of the Body of Christ, the Universal Church, that mourned and prayed with a faithful family.

 I know that Ted was pro-choice, but this did not taint the celebration of his life. There was much focus on his passion for helping people, on his sense of responsibility to them, and on his natural tendency to turn to Our Lady of Perpetual Help in times of great need. We thank God for the good he did fight for in his life. We remember that we do not know the state of his soul upon death; we did not hear his last Confession. And we can celebrate the man that he was knowing that his soul is in God's hands - the judgment is reserved for God alone, which is the only place it ever really was.

Tonight I had the always needed opportunity to reflect on my own entrance into eternity - the day when I will stand before my Lord and He will take me through all of the good that did and all of the evil that I did. The terrifying loneliness of that moment leaves me feeling hollow inside. I have done so little good and so much wrong. There is something deeply unsettling when thinking about souls. Every person that I encounter will one day either be in the eternal bliss of Heaven or the eternal damnation of hell. There is no time for trivialities.

Following my reflections, I had the opportunity to pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. I have never prayed that prayer with so much of heart. In that moment of judgment, all we can offer God in defense of ourselves is His mercy.

THE DIVINE MERCY CHAPLET (On Rosary Beads)
Begin with One Our Father, One Hail Mary, and the Apostles Creed

(On the mystery bead) Eternal Father I offer thee the body, blood, soul, and divinity of Your dearly beloved Son our Lord Jesus Christ: in atonement of our sins and those of the whole world.

(On Hail Mary Beads) For the sake of His sorrowful passion: have mercy on us and on the world. (Repeat for each decade)

Close with: Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One: have mercy on us and on the whole world (Three times)

The Virtue of Courage

There is something inspiring about hearing stories of great courage. The courage of others gives courage to those who lack it. This story about Belmont Abbey College is one that is dripping of courage, of conviction, of passion, and of the kind of boldness that trust in God and belief in the Truth of Catholicism cultivates. Sometimes, we must brandish Catholicism like a mighty sword. And if we die by the edge of that sword, we die a martyr's death, having fought for and defended the only thing in this life that is truly worth dying for. That is what the President of Belmont Abbey College understands. That willingness to lay down oneself, to sacrifice the comforts of a prestigious job, to choose to never diminish the dignity of a life lived for something greater is what changes the world. It is what living the Chrisitian life is all about. It demonstrates exactly what Jesus meant when He told us to take up our cross and to follow Him.

Who knows where I actually was.

Today during mass, I found myself sitting down listening to the homily. The sad part is I don't remember standing up and singing the Alleluia, any of the Gospel, or sitting back down again. I know that I was lost in thought, but I'm not convinced that I remained awake that whole time. Although I'm almost certain I was standing...maybe... Pathetic.

An Underestimated Blessing

A few days before I left for school I was thinking and praying about detachment. It seems that as we detach ourselves from the things in the world (good things and bad things) we are more able to recognize them as gifts from God. When we remember that they are gifts and we live accordingly, the glory goes to God and our lives show more clearly the vision He has for them. Although I have been frustrated recently with the fact that my life is not settled (with moving back and forth from school for the past three years and all), I think that it provides me a constant reminder of the gifts in my life. It allows me to miss. And when I miss something, I know, without question, that that thing is a gift. When I'm home, I miss school. When I'm at school, I miss home. All of the moving back and forth and the temporary nature of my decisions helps me to remain detached. I can't get too comfortable. The reality that home and school (more specifically the life I'm able to live in each place) are gifts becomes very apparent. This is a blessing. Because when I know that what I have is a gift from God it is easier for me to listen. When I have concrete knowledge of the fact that I only have limited time to learn the lessons God plans for me to learn, to impact the lives He wants me to impact, and to grow in the ways He wants me to grow, I listen better. I trust more. I pay just a bit more attention to rhythm He sets for my life. That's when God's able to change me.

Are You Leaving In Peace?

That question has been on my heart the last couple of days. As I prepare to go back to school tomorrow morning, I find myself doing major reflecting on my summer. There is a list of things (some big and some insignificant) that I intended to do that I did not.

I never went fishing, never shot a gun, never went horseback riding. The pile of books planned for summer reading is almost the same size it was when summer began. The writing I planned to do is saved in a document that was touched far less frequently than I had hoped. My room is far from the organized vision I had for it.

There is an even longer list of things I did (some big and some insignificant) that I had not planned on doing. Women's Night with the youth group was one of the biggest ways God blessed my summer. A couple random road trips with my family made the bonds of family stronger. Conversations that I never expected to have made the summer nights just a bit sweeter. However, these lists are not really the source of my reflection. My greater concern is whether or not I'm leaving in peace.

Am I at peace with the ways I have chosen to spend my time? Do I have peace in my friendships or are there too many things being left unsaid? Am I at peace with God? Have a nurtured my relationship with Him, or do I need to beg for His forgiveness for all the ways I did not? Do I leave the Parish in peace? Have I served it in the way God has asked me to? Have I build relationships in the way He intended? Is there peace in my home and with my family?

The time that I was physically in my house this summer was minimal. I spent a fair amount of time at work. I spent vast amounts of time doing youth ministry stuff. I had the occasional outing with close friends. There was a time when Pete called needing help with Steubenville stuff and work called needing help on the same day. I chose to help Pete. In that moment, I felt like I had begun making decisions the way I hope to make them for the rest of my life. Youth group was more important to me. And even though the work at the store probably would have been less stressful and I would have been paid, still I knew that youth group was more important. I really believe that it was what God was calling me to make my primary vocation this summer. I'm very much at peace with all of the time I chose to invest in the program.

I've been learning a hard lesson this summer about communication. This is mostly because I'm unhealthily afraid of intimacy and vulnerability. The thought of someone knowing what I'm thinking sends me into a state of paralyzing fear. God continues to place people in my life that challenge this fear, and He frequently rewards me with the peace and freedom of honest communication. This summer was no exception to that. Are there some things being left unsaid? Yes. And probably more than just a few. But I do have peace; it's the kind of peace that comes with knowing that even though I am imperfect God's grace is changing me. I have grown, and I will continue to do so.

Daily mass was far less of a reality in my life than it should have been. While I did frequent the adoration chapel, the source and summit of my faith was neglected. A lot of times it was because of sheer lack of virtue. For this I will make amends with God. Did I choose virtue at every turn? No. Did I follow through with everything His voice prompted me to do? No. Did I learn how to hear Him better? Yes. Do I regret the times I failed to listen? Yes. Do I have peace? Yes. Although it is only because I know that mercy redeems.

This summer I fell in love. The object of my affection? Assumption Parish and the life that is present there. Do I have peace? Yes. However this peace is marked with great anticipation. In many ways as I journey back to college I do so in the hope that I will grow in ways that will allow me to serve the Parish even better.

And my family? That is a bit more complicated. Is there peace? Perhaps. But in many ways my family life is characterized by conflicting values and opinions of what is best. I'm assured only by the fact that I believe God is working. He'll stretch my ability to be a good daughter.

There is deep sadness in my heart as I say my goodbyes and work to pack up my things. I'm temporarily leaving a life that I love in order to pursue a life that I hope I will grow to love. The beautiful thing is that there is an even deeper conviction that what I'm doing is God's will. I know that I could never be the person God created me to be without this last year at Benedictine. I hope that the power of God's grace meets the fertile soil of an open heart - even when my sadness leads to doubt.

Visionary Award

"This is a young adult woman, 18-30, who sees what others may not; a woman who sees reality from another perspective, makes connections others miss and has the courage to call others to change."

Today the Archdiocese of St. Louis is acknowledging the lives of 22 women by giving them this award; I'm honored to be among those women.

I hope to be a young woman of great vision. I hope that those words can describe me not because I'm idealistic or because I think up creative solutions to problems. Rather, I hope those words describe me because I strive to be in tune with God's vision.

I hope that I do see reality from another perspective; I hope that it is because I'm seeing it through the eyes of God, not my own. I hope that throughout my time on earth I will be able to see that all of life's joys, regrets, blessings, and suffering are deeply connected to God's vision for not only my own salvation, but also the salvation of all of mankind.

Today at the reception which followed the award ceremony, a man in his seventies came up to me and told me a story about how he had come to realize the Gospel of Christ is alive. He began by telling me that he and I had something in common, because he too is in love. He ended by telling me that when he saw the pictures in the Review, he knew that each of us were the living manifestation of the Gospel he knew to be alive. He reminded me that while it is true that I have vision, it is also true that I am young. In many ways that man's life is a far greater testament to the Gospel than my own. He has lived through more; he has suffered through more. I do have hope and vision. But I also have no idea.

I have great hope in the beauty of a holy marriage ... but I do not know the struggle and hardship that is part of giving your life entirely to another.

I have great hope in the beauty of carrying life within me ... but I do not know the insecurity and discomfort of being pregnant.

I have great hope in the beauty of natural childbirth ... but I do not know the pain of labor.

I have great hope in the beauty of being the sustaining factor in the lives of my babies ... but I do not know the confinement and difficultly of nursing.

I have great hope in the beauty of inspiring my students ... but I do not know the stress and frustration of teaching.

I have great hope in the beauty of a life lived for God and God alone ... but I do not know the pain and suffering that leads to the victory of the cross.

But I do know this: any vision for beauty is a gift from God, and His grace will carry me through the parts about which I have no idea. His grace is bigger than my youth. And His vision is one in which joy and peace surpass all suffering.

That elderly man was right about one thing. I am in love. Somehow, in someway, I have fallen head-over-heels in love with the King of Kings. And I know that it is with that love and through that love that I'll see God's vision become reality.

Just So You Know...

...I don't want to pack.

To Be Truly Healed

How many times do we really experience healing? So often it seems that people settle for less than true healing. We pretend to be satisfied by endings that only vaguely resemble true healing.

If we really believe in a God from whom the circumstances of our lives are a gift, then when we experience hurt, we should seek the growth God intends for us through it. We should seek the purpose of His allowance of such things in our lives. We should seek to be healed of our pain by Him, because it is through His healing that we will come to experience the full extend of the peace and joy that God wants for us.

I think that part of the reason healing is so difficult is that it often (initially) involves more pain. This makes sense when we understand that God works through our pain to perfect us. So much good would come from truly being healed that the extra pain is almost a necessity. I think it all comes back to the fact that it is hard to understand God's ways. It is hard for us to consent to more pain, because it is hard for us to trust and hope that God has a bigger plan. And it is hard for us to trust and have hope because the reality of God's plan is so much greater, so far beyond, our meager human understanding. So much so that even when we do find peace, we cannot fully understand the magnitude of what we are experiencing.

Every time we encounter pain we stand at a crossroad. It is the crossroad between a lackluster way of living that involves covering up and pretending and the embracing of the life-altering pain and grace of true healing.

God Became Man...

...and dwelt among us. I had one of those moments yesterday where truth that I have known for a long time hits me a new way. It happened unexpectedly at work. I was walking into the back room and suddenly more of the weight of the Incarnation fell upon me. When I think about what humanity is, my tendency is to think about all of the ways we've gone wrong. It is far easier for me to reflect on how we should be better than it is for me to reflect on how we already are good. Just look at a little bit of salvation history. God creates Adam and Eve. He (the God who is far greater than His creation) sees it all as good. Man breaks under the weight of his pride and falls into disobedience. God renews His covenant with man through Abraham. Man fails. God renews His covenant with man through Noah. Man fails. God renews His covenant with man through Moses and gives the 10 Commandments. Man fails. All of salvation history is the story of covenants and failure. Throughout that time humanity becomes more and more selfish and less and less consumed by God. So what does God do? He decides to become one of us. He decides to become man. God becomes man in the fullest sense of the word. He becomes the very people who have failed throughout history. He enters into the chaos that His creation has become in the very form of the being through which the chaos entered. And He takes the full weight of our sin upon Himself. He spends His life on earth loving us, caring for us, teaching us, and healing us. Then, He picks up His cross, walks the road to Calvary, and He dies a bloody and humiliating death for our sins. It's obvious which end of the covenant is really committed to our salvation. We have a God who has done everything He can and has ensured, by His very life, that nothing can stand in the way of our salvation. Nothing but our own choice.

Women's Night Session 3, Part 2

I've heard it said that romance novels are porn for girls. I think that is very true. A large part of our attraction to romantic stories, movies, scenes in T.V. shows, and lyrics in songs is the false hope we have that they will satisfy our longing to experience these things in our own lives. In a way, we try to live through the lives of the characters. It is as if we actually believe that if we can feel close enough to that character or identify enough with the person on the receiving end of those lyrics, we will somehow feel better about our own situation. We all the know the classic scene from Titanic with Jack and Rose at the front of the boat, her arms spread wide, enjoying each other and the wind. Did you know that on boats now there is a person whose job it is to stand there, preventing people from recreating the scene. Something about that scene, about the story of Jack and Rose, captivated our culture in a very real way. So much so that so many people wanted to mimic it so perfectly that boat companies now have to hire an extra person for each trip. Why is all of this a problem? Well, lets look at the Jack and Rose love story. Who is Jack? He is nobody. He gambled his way on to the boat, he probably doesn't even have another change of clothes. He has no way to support Rose. And they knew each other for all of two days. Yet somehow we think that if only he hadn't frozen in the water, they would have had the perfect love story. The great danger is this. What we see on T.V. and in the movies, what we read about in romance novels, and what listen to in love ballads is NOT REAL LOVE. Joshua Harris said it well when he said, "The world takes us to a silver screen on which the flickering images of passion and romance play, and as we watch, the world says, 'This is love.' God takes us to the foot of a tree on which a naked and bloodied Man hangs and says, 'This is love.'" There is a categorical, astronomical difference between what the world tells us is love and what love actually is. The kind of love that we see in the movies and read about in books pales in comparison to the kind of love that God has in mind for us. What God calls us to in relationship is something far greater than could ever hope to be captured on screen. Even the greatest saints struggle to articulate it in their writings. God calls us to be a reflection of His very self. That's God's vision for love - a complete emptying of all that is selfish within us to make way for complete fulfillment in Him. When we attach ourselves to what the media portrays as love, we are cheapening our own understanding. We are not guarding what is precious within us. Instead, we are allowing the shallow standards of the world a chance to seep in and destroy what we know to be true. There is a song by Casting Crowns called Slow Fade. It describes the way that little things can lead to big sins. "People never crumble in a day; it's a slow fade." It is by giving away little pieces, bit by bit, that we end up with a destructive, dysfunctional understanding of love. We don't have to look far to see broken relationships. We encounter them daily, in the husband and wife that never stop fighting, in the boyfriend and girlfriend that can't seem to remain faithful, in the parents that can't keep their marriage together, in the abusive relationships, in the emotional and physical hurt. We don't have to look far to see a failed vision for love. In a world that only aides in such destruction, it is more important than ever to discover, embrace, hold on to, and protect God's vision. It is far more glorious than I could ever describe. It is the little choices we make each day that decide for us the kind of relationships we are going to have. We need to limit the media's influence. Our thoughts are a rehearsal for how we actually live. "Sow a thought, reap an action. Sow an action, reap a habit. Sow a habit, reap a character. Sow a character, reap a destiny." -Samuels Smiles If we can find ways to keep the media's disillusioned standard for love out of our thoughts (out of our minds), we will have more success at keeping it out of our actions, habits, character, and destiny.

Women's Night Session 3, Part 1

Last week's Women's Night was titled "Media/Guarding Your Heart/Emotional Chastity." If you are thinking that seems like a whole lot for one session, you're thinking correctly. We made it happen though! Not many people have heard the phrases "guarding your heart" and "emotional chastity." I'm still searching for the perfect definition, but the following one is sufficient for now. Guarding your heart simply means that you are careful with your heart because you value it as a gift from God, meant to be the place where He dwells within you. Emotional chastity acknowledges that the battle for purity is not only a physical one. When we are emotionally chaste, we are careful with where our emotions lead us; it perfects our ability to guard our hearts. Whereas physical purity protects what is exterior (our bodies), emotional purity protects what is interior (our minds and emotions). Please keep in mind that at no point in this post am I attempting to claim that girl's do not struggle with physical purity. To do so would be ludicrous and horribly ignorant. Physical purity is simply not the topic of this particular entry. Today's focus is the internal struggle. There certain thoughts that most girls have on a regular basis that are contrary to interior chastity. Here are a few examples. Girls meets guy. Girl finds guy attractive. Girl thinks about how her first name sounds with his last and practices signing her name with it to see if looks good. Guy walks by catching the attention of girl. Girl wonders what their kids would look like if they got married. In both scenarios, girl's thoughts probably linger long after the moment is past. And, if guy passes the name and kids tests, girl's thoughts probably go even further. Girl starts thinking about what they would talk about on dates; she imagines how he would smile as she walks down the aisle towards him at their wedding. In short, girl has officially begun mentally stalking guy. Mental fantasies, like those mentioned above, are not always sexual. It is far too easy to imagine and dream about our wedding day. When a guy hugs us, and it feels good, it is far too difficult to avoid replaying that hug and the way it felt in our minds over and over again. But these things are not emotionally chaste. Instead of protecting our hearts and emotions, they become the first steps in giving too much of ourselves away. There is a reason our minds and emotions do this. God created humans for relationship. Our minds and emotions (just like our bodies) are designed to draw us into intimacy. But that intimacy is designed to blossom and grow as we enter deeper and deeper into relationship with our spouse. When we allow those things to get out of hand now, we are taking away from the relationship for which they were created. Part 2 will go more in depth and look at how the media plays into this...

Another Year

I promise that the Women's Night blog will be up before our next session, but today is my birthday, which requires a different kind of reflection.

"How do you measure a year in the life? ... How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?" ~Seasons of Love

My journey from 21 years of life completed to 22 years of life completed had some pretty major themes and lessons learned.

First of all, I now know what kind of alcoholic beverages I like (vodka, beer) and what kind I dislike (rum).

In Christian Moral Life, I learned the "theory" (if you will) behind virtue as well as the practical implications that should have on my life. I now have some concept of virtue, which I hope has lead to more virtuous actions.

I learned more about relating to guys, more about guarding my heart and emotional chastity, more about the ways I struggle, and more about letting God come first.

I learned that pride and fear are by far my two biggest battles. And that God is so much bigger than both.

I learned that the Holy, Roman Catholic Church is more amazing, more beautiful, and more Truth-filled than I will ever be able to comprehend. Studying the Church and learning theology are two things I almost didn't do. Now, I can't believe that before this year, there was a time when I thought I didn't need to.

I learned that meeting my Lord and Savior in prayer is the only way I have chance and getting this life right.

I learned that I love life the most when it costs me the most of myself. Living a life that lends itself to selfishness is no way to live. Living a life that lends itself to sacrifice, to less of me and more Him, is the only way to truly be alive.

I've never been the biggest fan of bridges. It's not that I'm super afraid of them, I just don't like driving over them (but I love walking over them). This year, I've learned that the same is true in my spiritual life. The bridge that connects the person I am now with vision of the holy woman God is calling me to be is a bridge that terrifies me. I see now that I am standing at one end, hoping in what I can see waiting at the other, but failing to take a step. My prayer for this upcoming year is that I learn to embrace the bridge (my path to holiness) by stepping. God is good.

Women's Night Session 2

"You have ravished my heart, my sister, my bride, you have ravished my heart with one glance of your eye..." Song of Songs 4:9 I think that this verse captures in a powerful way what a lot of women want when it comes to the way that they look. Sometimes, we just want to walk into a room and have heads turn and people thinking about how beautiful we are. I can remember once in grade school going to a class bowling party. I walked in the room, and Michael Jeffferson (whom I had a crush on at the time) gave me this look of repulsion. It was a horrifying moment. Now, at the time, I had just begun experimenting with make-up, so there is a real chance that the way I looked actually merited his reaction. Regardless, I went straight to the bathroom to talk with other girls about how I looked like crap. Unfortunately, we had all brought make-up with us, just in case we needed to touch up. I probably walked out of the bathroom looking worse than I did going in. Fast forward a few months and I was on my way to a surprise birthday party for one of the boys in my class. Everyone was gathered in the basement, and I knew I had to walk down the stairs with all of the judging eyes on me. I took a deep breath before beginning the journey. When I got down there, everyone was normal. I was so relieved that I had avoided another bowling-alley incident. I wore that exact same outfit (the one that met the approval of my peers) as much as possible. (Side Note: as for the bowling alley outfit...I never wore any part of it again). A lot of times, young (and old) women try to make themselves look a certain way in order to get attention. They use their looks as a means of filling the need to know that they are desired by the opposite sex. This is how the world tells us to make ourselves beautiful. In a survey done by Dove, it was found that only 2% of women would describe themselves as beautiful. The most intriguing part of this is that those results come from a time when beauty can be bought. Even the celebrities who "have it" by the world's standards aren't satisfied with their appearance. We live in a world that gives us a false standard for beauty, and then tells us to chase that image for our own sake. The reality, however, is that even those who meet that standard do not find happiness for themselves.

Modern feminism has done its job well, reminding us that we shouldn't seek the approval of the opposite sex, convincing us that everything we do should be only for ourselves and no one else. So, presumably, we wear slinky thongs and super-push-up bras not because they makes us attractive to men, but because they make us feel good about ourselves. We spend hours at the mall snatching up the latest sexy trends because we are "comfortable" enough with our bodies to carelessly showcase them to the world... We obey the tyranny of pop culture under the guise that we are free to do whatever we want, whatever makes us feel good. As modern young women, we have deluded ourselves into thinking we are empowered, but in reality we couldn't be more ensnared. We convince ourselves that we are making our own decisions, that we are listening to our own voice, but in truth we are like putty in the hands of the culture's warped agenda. Young women today are supposed to be the most liberated, independent, confident, and fulfilled of any in history. But we are a desperate, lonely, (and) insecure ... lot - plagued by eating disorders, abusive relationships, emotional breakdowns, and sexual chaos. We've been looking for beauty in the wrong place. And our incessant search for beauty has stripped us of all that is truly beautiful. (Set-Apart Femininity, Pg 11-12)"

So, if today's culture has left us facing the opposite direction of true beauty, what is truly beautiful? "Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting; the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30 True, lasting beauty is supernatural; it comes from God.

The Beauty that comes from loving and serving God with a happy heart is a beauty that endures even when your figure has fallen south and wrinkles adorn your face. True beauty doesn't come from fresh makeup, the latest hairstyle, or how you look in your blue jeans. Rather, it radiates from the inside out, from a heart that delights in the Lord (Every Young Woman's Battle, 54)."

Pursuing beauty is not a bad thing; in fact, it is important! However, it order to properly seek and find beauty, we have to keep in mind it's purpose. All beauty comes from God. "All of us, gazing with unveiled face on the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, as from the Lord who is the Spirit." (2 Corinthians 3:18) Beauty is God's gift to us, meant to bring glory to Him. Our beauty is meant to draw others closer to God, not to draw attention to us. We are created in the image of God. We are created beautiful. But as with all of God's creation, that beauty is best seen when it allows God's greatness and glory to be seen. The most beautiful women that I know absolutely radiate God's love. They are beautiful because their holiness allows their beauty to unveil the beauty of God. I don't mean to belittle the problem. The voice of the world is loud, and people all around us are buying in, surrendering to its disillusioned standards. But look at the holy young women around you. Look at those women (young and old) that are walking beside you in Truth. When you look around, do you see ugly? I don't. I see pure, holy beauty. I'm not saying that you have to pretend to love what you see in the mirror. I could list things I see that I don't love. The point is this, we cannot allow ourselves to be distracted by what we see. One of the best lessons I learned from the Harry Potter books is this, in order to win the battles within us, we have to decide that there is something more important to focus on. Harry struggles through 3 books to stay out of Voldemort's mind. He does not succeed until his life depends on it. He cannot win the battle until there is something he acknowledges as more important. God has a great purpose for each of us as individuals. What it all comes down to is this, we can either focus on trying to build up ourselves, chasing the vanity of the world, or we can focus on building up His Kingdom. I'll close with this thought from Every Young Woman's Battle (Pg. 60). "Do you want to spend your life looking into mirrors, distracted by your own reflection and how your looks compare to others, or do you want to invest your life looking beyond yourself and into a world of people who need to experience the love of God through you?"

It's Been Far too Long

I have no idea what this post is going to end up being about. All I really know is that it has been far too long since my last post. The total of drafts I've begun and have yet to complete is now up to three. This is highly unusually; I normally don't stop writing in the middle of a train of thought. Who knows when they will be posted. Steubenville was a wonderful experience as always. God and I had many good moments in which He stretched my capacity to love and be loved. I had to deny myself many times in order to make progress in prayers. The topic for the largest portion of my prayer was intimacy. I'm hard pressed to find a word that is more terrifying to me. I'm begun to read more about the mass. I'm finally getting around to some of the books I purchased during the school year. There is one thing about me and the mass that I know for certain: I do not know enough about the mass. Nor do I enter into with the proper disposition. I'm hoping that will begin to change as make more room for God's grace to reach me. I'm really not sure what will be coming next. It will either be a post on grace, beauty, Edwina, prayer, or something entirely unrelated to any of those four...

A New Rule

Starting today, I'm imposing upon myself a new rule. I'm admitting right off that it isn't brilliant, and it may not survive the weekend. I'm attempting it anyway. I must now earn the right to eat unhealthy foods. If I want to go out for ice cream, I have to exercise first. If I want to have beer before I go bed, I have to have gone for a walk after dinner. I'm considering do a similar thing with computer/T.V./video game time (I probably should not have put the nintendo in my room). I could earn that by equivalent reading time or prayer time. I'll let you know how it goes.

From Elizabeth...

Read her article here. She writes beautifully, telling the story of Jennifer who is courageously (and publicly) living the call of every Christian. "I believe enduring love is primarily a commitment and an act of will..."

Women's Night Session 1

When I read the the story of the creation of Eve, I cannot help but believe that God created her with a beautiful vision for femininity. She was created to reveal to the world something about God and His love that Adam could not reveal. God has planted that vision, His original intent for woman, in the deepest desires of the female heart. As little girls, I think we think we get that. When I think back to when I was a child and I look at little girls today, I see a hope in the greatness of that vision. Little girls have big dreams. And they are dreams of deep love, true compassion, and fairly tale beauty. The desire for those dreams (the dreams God intended woman to have) are alive in the hearts and hopes of little girls. Then I look at my peers or I look at teenagers, I don't see the same hope and joy in the eyes of these young women. Young women today are broken and hurt. They seem to have no more hope in the vision God gave them as little girls. So the question is, what happened? It's tempting to say that as little girls, we were too idealistic. And that as we have grown older and become young women, we now have a stronger grasp of reality. It's tempting because it makes us feel better, and it doesn't challenge us to change. But it ignores the truth of the matter. We have to acknowledge that the desires of the female heart are God-given desires. He created us to long to be loved. He created us for the happiness and beauty of fairy tales. As young girls, we relish in that fact. But somewhere between little girl and young woman, it starts to scared us. The part of the story that people like to leave out is that part that shows us the purpose for these desires. They are meant, first and foremost, to draw us deeper and deeper into the love of God. There is no human being on this earth, there is nothing in this world that can completely satisfy us. We were created to find our fulfillment in God. The world around us tells us that we have to find a way to fulfill ourselves, and we begin to worry that we won't ever have our desires met. So somewhere between 3 and 13, we start putting on a little more make-up; we learn how to flirt; we put others down to try and make ourselves feel better; we strive to keep up with the images the media feeds us; we watch romantic movies, hoping to catch a glimpse of the dream we once hoped in; and we begin to give pieces of ourselves, emotionally, mentally, and physically to guys and to the world. The sad part is, we are shattering our dreams. And we don't even realize it. In this process, we get hurt. We become even more afraid of the Truth, because now the Truth isn't just that we need God. Now, the Truth is also that we are broken. That we've been hurt. That we've been pursuing satisfaction in all the wrong places. We don't want to admit how broken we really are. In John 8: 31-32, Jesus tells us that we can be His disciples. He tells us that the Truth will set us free. The brokenness that surrounds us, that traps and stifles modern femininity doesn't have to be the reality of our lives. God's intent when He created Eve is still His intention today. Even though we have lost sight of the vision, God hasn't. Through all of the complexities of the female heart, through the emotional messes, and through the broken dreams, God's perfect vision for woman remains. The first step to embracing that vision, is to live in the truth about what we have made it.