Monday, October 19, 2009

What the Future Holds

Sometimes, when I look to the future with great hope in what is to come, it hurts. Some days, firmly believing that I am called to be a wife and a mother while remaining (seemingly) so far from a relationship is painful. It hurts to know that I have to keep waiting.

My life is better when I'm around kids.  I see more meaning and purpose in my life when I'm able to give myself to children. I love being in the home. Being around mothers gives me energy.  I breathe more easily. I love more freely.

For whatever reason, for better or for worse, my life just makes more sense when I'm holding a child.  I understand more of who I am and who I want to be. In those moments, it seems that I am finally able to see in myself some of the good that God sees.

It just fits me. I don't know whether that is good or bad. Some may say it is an emotional response upon which I am placing too much emphasis. Perhaps there is some truth to that. I don't know. What I do know is that one of the hardest realities in my life right now is that I have to graduate soon. And with that, comes the beginning of the rest of my life. Only God knows what is in store. But the sadness, fear, and absolute devastation that accompanies the moment when I look ahead and see just how long I might have to continue waiting is more than I can bear. It makes offering up my sufferings harder. It makes surrender more difficult.

You may have noticed that I changed the name of my blog. I'm certain that this new name will constantly be applicable to my life. Right now, in this situation, the waiting part is a given. The patience part is probably never coming.

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