2010 Awards (And Other Memories)

LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend)
Kayla Hartmann (as always)

MOST UNDERSTANDING FRIEND
Pete. It may only be because, in working with him, he has become the friend I talk to most consistently.

HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR
 The 2010 Lifeteen Leadership Conference

LOW POINT OF THE YEAR
Wow. There have kind of been a lot.

Student teaching was hard - not really a low, just hard.

The whole job search/I-have-no-idea-what-I'm-supposed-to-do-with-my-life phase wasn't that great.



Graduating and leaving Benedictine was a difficult transition.

The summer was a hard time of desolation, in which God took many comforts away so that I would trust Him more.


Teaching isn't easy. Again, not necessarily a "low," but difficult nonetheless.

BEST HOLIDAY
I'm going to go with my brother's wedding. I know it isn't really a "holiday," but it was a great family gathering and celebration.

BEST SONG FOR 2010
Lifted High by Andy Needham

BEST MOVIE WATCHED
Rather than watching a lot of movies, I watched a lot of NCIS. I really enjoy watching NCIS.

BEST BOOK READ
The Splendor of the Church by Henri DeLubac

ALL AROUND GREAT FRIEND TO HAVE
Sarah Daz. End. Of. Story.

RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR
Lion's Choice. No joke.

BEST PROFESSOR
Dr. Blosser. Always. And still.

BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR
To go to the Holy Land.

MOST STUPID IDEA
Not trusting people who are clearly worthy of my trust.

BIGGEST CHANGE
Graduating college.
Getting a job.
Buying a car.
...it's been a big year for change.

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION
To be fully given. First to God. Then to those He places in my life so that I may give of myself more and more.

What Will You Do With Your Time Off?

Ha! That's an easy one...

1.) NOT wear make-up.
2.) Wear jeans and a t-shirt as much as possible.
3.) Clean my room!
4.) Clean and ORGANIZE the office.
5.) Hit up daily mass...daily - that's one commitment that will be difficult.
6.) Hang out with friends.
7.) Catch up with AYM paper work.
8.) Write Christmas Thank-You Notes.
9.) Go see Harry Potter.
10.) Have McDonalds for breakfast (probably more than once).
11.) Have a SOCIAL LIFE.
12.) Get ALL of my school papers graded and organized.
13.) Get a week-ahead in reading group plans.
14.) Have long conversations with friends near and far.
15.) REST!

Daybook: On a Day That Makes Me Worry I May Soon Have No Voice

To read a wonderful quote by St. John of the Cross (on his feast day) and my short reflection click here. To read Elizabeth's thoughts on the same quote (which I first read on her blog) click here.

FOR TODAY
(December 14, 2010)

Outside my window... C-O-L-D!  There is still snow on the grass, which makes me smile and my students crazy. It is dark, which it seems to always be when I am home (since I leave before the sun comes up and am home for about an hour of daylight in the evening. There is more "winter weather" coming!
 
I am thinking... that I am more in-tune with my friends and the needs of those around me when my prayer life is consistent and intentional. I should get that straightened out in my life...

I am thankful for... Cell phones. My best friends (who are much too far away) seem less far because of them.

I am wearing... PJ'S and I'm wrapped in a warm quilt!

I am creating... nothing really comes to mind...

I am going... to bed very, very soon. I sense sickness at the doorstep, and I would prefer NOT to let him in.

I am reading... To Know Christ Jesus ... some. I'm thinking of picking up Searching for and Maintaining Peace again. I really wish I could find my Advent/Christmas In Conversation with God; I think it would really help with the kind of prayer life mentioned above.

I am hoping... that certain honesty can be made manifest in a holy and God-glorifying way.

I am hearing... myself cough. Yuck.
 
Around the classroom...Santa Brain. The. End.

One of my favorite things... this time, it is a person. A person who just so happens to be named Sarah, but I prefer "Daz" or "Dazzer" or "Dazzers" or "Dazzerbelle"

Visit Peggy for more daybook entries! 

How Easily I Forget

I allowed myself to get lost in blog world this morning. I let a blog I check daily lead me to a blog I've never read, which lead me to another blog I'd never read, where I saw a comment by a blog I had only read once before...as I said, lost in blog world.  While there I was reminded of something so easily forgotten.  I was reminded that genuine openness and honesty in sharing truly inspire.

This blog has been relatively quiet. I've been busy, my students have "Santa-Brain" (today's snow probably won't help that situation tomorrow), and the St. Andrew novena has me reflecting on this liturgical season with a frequency that seems constant. However, I love writing. I love articulating what is going on inside of me. And without ever ignoring humility or failing to give all glory to God, I believe that by sharing here others may be inspired.

Thus I write today.

Givenness. I'm told by my computer that it is not a word. Fine. I'm using it anyway. God calls me to be fully given. Fully given to Him, to my family, to my students, to those around me.

Givenness. He calls me to it.

Given. I am not.

I am not fully given to my family because most encounters with them are a rushed change of clothes, a quick grabbing of food, and a run out the door to the next thing on my schedule. I am called to slow down, to give.

I am not fully given to my students because I am afraid of losing the rest of myself in loving them. I worry that if I give fully, I'll become consumed and miss other opportunities. They are so undeserving of such mistreatment on my part. I am called to give.

I am not fully given to my friends because (1) I don't see them much in social situations, (2) some of them live in different states and communication is hard, and (3) I am afraid of the cost of love. I dread the consequences (which though hard, will only make friendships stronger, holier, and more reflective of God's love for us) of total honesty and accountability.

I am not fully given to God. Though I discern in prayer and He grants many graces, I do not fully know His plan for me. While I trust that it is good, I do not fully surrender. Abandoning myself completely to His holy, divine will is scary because odds are my own vision is not His, and His will be harder (and much, much better - but that does not provide me with the immediate comfort it should). Fully giving myself to Him is the only way for me to be happy. But can I say yes to the suffering that is the cost of such love? Perhaps a better question is WILL I say yes to the suffering that is the cost of such love?

Givennes. To be fully given.

That is my prayer.

St. Andrew Christmas Novena

You actually need to go here to read this post. I posted it to the AYM blog so that it could be more easily accessed.

While Reviewing for a Social Studies Test

Me: What does the government do with our tax money?

Student: They give it to the lazy people who don't work.

Me: (Well, I really just laughed. I couldn't help it.)

Student: What? That's what my mom said!

Daybook: Because I Want to Blog Without too Much Thinking

FOR TODAY
(November 17, 2010)

Outside my window... it is very dark. Though it is not late, not even 8:00. Also, the weather has settled into a chilly state over the past few days. I'm happy with it for now.

I am thinking... about how God, in wisdom and perfect love, does things that I am far from understanding, but which cause me to smile.

I am thankful for... Grace. Tonight, the 2nd graders at my Parish make their First Reconciliation. My 2nd graders will participate in the Sacrament for the first time at the end of this month. I'm so excited for the flowing of grace!

I am wearing... Jeans, T-shirt, Benedictine Hoodie.

I am creating... new personal commitments.

I am going... to a senior retreat tomorrow night. I'm leading a 30-minute session (three times). Prayers please.

I am reading... hmmm... I honestly think I've been picking up a new book each time I sit down to read.

I am hoping... that I'm able to cling to grace instead of self.

I am hearing... mom and dad talking about free shipping.
 
Around the classroom..."Take out a piece of paper. Open your science books to page 128. There has been far too much talking today. It has taken too long to get your attention. Too many of you have been talking and not listening while I'm teaching. So, you are going to start with the word desert and copy every word from this page and the next, in complete silence, until I tell you that you can stop." It only took me 62 school days to become "one of those" teachers. :-(

One of my favorite things... when I can trustingly smile at God even while knowing that this thing He has going on might just hurt a whole lot.

Visit Peggy for more daybook entries!

Hosanna's Song

One post that I have been meaning to write will (if it ever materializes) discuss my thoughts on preparing students for their first participation in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. This post regards a semi-related topic. I've often found myself wondering about that time between Baptism and the Age of Reason, a time when we are technically not impeded by sin.  The following is a little something on the more poetic and lyrical side than is typical of my writing.  It is a reflection on that easily forgotten time in each of lives. I've called it, Hosanna's Song.

There was a time

When my heart beat perfectly for You

And in that time

I was free to joyfully love You

There was a peace

My mind cannot remember

And in that peace

Your voice became my only song

The Sacrament that cleansed me gave me grace beyond compare. The love within the waters washed me clean. And as I grew and lived and sinned my heart became scarred. Now I’m longing for the grace to live in Your love alone once more.

My soul sang Hallelujah, hosanna on high. The saints and angels joined, our chorus rang high. My heart cried out all glory to the Holy One. Hallelujah. Hosanna was my song.

There was a place

Where only You could dwell

And in that place

True happiness was found

There was a love

Pure and undefiled

And through that love

I embraced life as Your child

The Sacrament that cleansed me gave me grace beyond compare. The love within the waters washed me clean. And as I grew and lived and sinned my heart became scarred. Now I’m longing for the grace to live in Your love alone once more.

My soul sang Hallelujah, hosanna on high. The saints and angels joined, our chorus rang high. My heart cried out all glory to the Holy One. Hallelujah. Hosanna was my song.

The Church joins in the chorus now. His praises She sings. All voices join together, His triumph reigns. And as we bow to worship Him our souls rejoice and know the beauty of Hosanna’s song and Hallelujah’s call. Hosanna, Hallelujah. Hosanna, Hallelujah. Hosanna Hallelujah is our song.

As I said, it is quite different what you usually read here.  I do hope that it leads you to some form of reflection; it does me, but it is an expression of me; it may not have the same effect on you.

Ah. The Minds of the Young

Question on a Science assignment: Why do different plants have different stems?
Student Answer: I think it is because God made them different.

Now, that was NOT the science answer I was looking for, but how can I argue with that?

Student: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: No.
Student: Oh. So you're going to die alone.

Student 1 (on her birthday): Yay! I'm special.
Student 2: I hate to tell you this, but everyone has a birthday.

Hell and Moles

Student: Miss Hunter, how did Satan end up in hell?

Me: Well at one point he was up in Heaven with God and all the other angels. God gave all the angels a choice to love Him or not, just like He gives us. Satan chose not to love God, so he was sent out of Heaven.

Student: Oh, I see. Have moles ever been to hell? You know, they can dig pretty deep.

2nd Graders and Werewolfs

We had just come in from recess.  I was hurriedly trying to get my students lined up for Art class.

Thomas: Miss Hunter, is George turning into a werewolf?

Me: No.

Thomas: He says he is.

Me: He isn't.

Thomas: But he says that if you get bitten by a werewolf you turn into one.

Me: He wasn't bitten by a werewolf.

The student walked over to the supply baskets to get his art supplies. I could hear he, George, and two other boys talking.

Will: Miss Hunter says you aren't, George.

George: She doesn't know everything.

Thomas: Uh! She's the teacher. She is sooo smart.

George: She knows a lot, but she doesn't know everything about me.

George (to Will): Why did you tell her? I didn't want people to know.

Will: I didn't. Thomas did!

George: Why did you tell him? I only told you because I was spending the night. I didn't want anyone else to know about it.

Will: ::sighs deeply:: I'm sorry.

The Art Teacher had a nice little laugh when I warned her of the situation.

That Person

I struggle in my prayer to give myself, as I truly am, to God.

I'm fairly certain .... well...as certain as one who tries to remain completely open to God's will can be (i.e. not certain at all) that God does not intend for me to approach Him alone for the rest of my life. In other words, I was made for union with man. (The reasons why I have the amount of timid, uncommitted belief I do is a story for some other time.)

So, being made for such union, I frequently find myself asking God how much time I must spend longing for it. I try to gently remind Him ;-) of that for which I was made.

However, God, in His infinite wisdom and perfect love, has me single now.  He is calling me to a life of something else for the time being. I find it hard to embrace big dreams in Him while waiting.

Around the time of graduation, I was preparing to say many, many goodbyes. I was comforted by great peace in a vision of a life in which faithful servants of God continuously come into my path and leave.  They leave because God calls them.  They leave because of their openness to His will in their lives.  They leave because the Father beckons.

As the Kingdom of God is built up around the world through the "yes" of all these people I envisioned walking in and out of each others' lives, there would be joy.  I saw myself going wherever He called as well.

Right now though, I wait.

I love that vision. But I struggle to give myself fully to it.

It is a joyful life, yes, but the good Christian knows that the joy comes only as the fruit of suffering.

I've found myself waiting, unaccountably it seems, for that one person who would always be at my side - the one person who would walk in and not out, whose call was the same as mine.

As I confessed this in prayer to our loving and gently compassionate God, He whispered His response to the silence and stillness of my heart:

That person you are waiting for...it's me. I am the One who will never leave as others journey away.  That person is me.

Is Your Music Lying to You?

Click to read the post here.

The Adventures of Owning a Car

I'd been noticing at various times over the past several weeks that my car was in need of a good hand washing.  There was an element of I-don't-have-time-for-this mixed in with an even bigger element of excitement. So, yesterday I happily declared that I would be washing my very own car for the very first time!

I should have seen it coming.  It began right off the bat.  I just didn't notice it at first.

You see, since the last time I've washed a car, my family has switched to new soaps. Since I would undoubtedly use too much, my mom got the water ready for me.

The car washing began with me making a slightly joking, slightly serious comment about not washing the top because no one could really see it anyway.  In the next moment, my mom was standing on a step ladder washing the top of my car...as I a stood there watching.

As I was just beginning to wash the first side, my dad came out. As both parents circled around the car with me, I thought to myself that this was kind of fun - a nice little family occasion.

Then as I finished up the third side, I heard it. "You missed a spot."  "She did? Where? Oh! Yea, I see it way down there."

I just kept working, moving on to the front.  Meanwhile, the inspection continued. "There is a little spot down on this side too..."

"Okay, I'm finished with the front."

"Here Melissa, let me see that."  Once again, the car washing baton passed from my hands, this time into my father's.  He got those couple of spots that I missed.

Last came the wheels. "I'm not really worried about them.  Aren't they kind of meant to be dirty?"  How silly of me to think such a thing.

The car washing experience ended with my dad bent over washing the wheels as my mom followed him around with the hose, spraying things down and inspecting his work.

Where was I you may be wondering?

Sitting on the step ladder.

Watching.

Shaking my head.

And smiling a bit too.  After all, I should have seen it coming.

Day Book: Nearing the End of a Week that Flew

FOR TODAY
(October 14, 2010)

Outside my window... it is very dark.  I'm laying in bed avoiding both sleep and my thoughts.  I'm tired.  In many ways. But right now, I just need to be.

I am thinking... that I need to change. I must change. God is waiting. I don't know exactly what needs to change.  I don't know when it will happen or what its result will be. However, change seems to be on the horizon.

I am thankful for... the rhythm and liturgy of the One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church.

I am wearing... PJs and probably a look of deep contemplation.

I am creating... memories -f or myself, for some amazing teens, for my students, for my family, for my friends, for my coworkers. I hope that I am creating well.

I am going... to seek and surrender.  That much I know He asks.

I am reading... A little of this and little of that. Nothing very consistent.

I am hoping... that things change.  I hope that I become better, become holier.

I am hearing... the fan blowing and my fingers typing.  Also, a voice inside me that seems to think I should resist and that whatever I'm sensing myself called to isn't possible anyway.  I'm hearing that voice, but I'm trying ever so hard to not listen.
 
Around the classroom...I will be getting a SMART Board!  I've introduced a new Reading Response Program.  The students seem to like it.  The organizational element is finished. I think it might actually work well!

One of my favorite things... good, honest, Christ-centered conversation.

Visit Peggy for more daybook entries!

Daybook: A Week of Fall Weather!

FOR TODAY
(September 26, 2010)

Outside my window... there is misty rain and cool temperatures.  I've had tea, but I did not have it walking around a park, which, in my opinion, means that I have not enjoyed the weather to the fullest potential.

I am thinking... that God's timing is really, really important.  Our relationships, decisions, and peace depend upon our ability to wait (or react) to the ways God reveals His timing.  For me, in one situation, the time is coming.  It is nearly upon me. I am oh so ready for it to pass.

I am thankful for... days that go well without me trying too hard.  Moments when God's presence gives me the kind of peace that overcomes. Surprise conversations with old, yet unforgotten, friends.

I am wearing... Jeans, a green shirt, a gray sweater, and blue argyle socks.  My hair is down and straightened, and there is no make-up on my face.

I am creating... lessons, a talk, and virtue - step by step.

I am going... to spend as much of my time as I can preparing.  When I prepare well, I live well.  Thus, I will plan my lessons, my youth group talk, and my spirit and emotions for meaningful conversation and prayer.

I am reading... I've been picking up Frank Sheed's To Know Christ Jesus again in recent days. I never finished it when I first began a couple years ago.  It makes for just the right amount reflection before I fall asleep at night.

I am hoping... that I surrender well. Everyday. In all things.

I am hearing... NCIS
 
Around the classroom...I have science plans for the next 3 weeks set.  We have some fun religion activities coming up in the next few weeks.  I also have some seasonal reading activities in the works.  Also, I will look my students in the eye when they talk to me, even in those moments when they interrupt my working.

One of my favorite things... tea.

I am growing ... up. I'm becoming more and more of an adult...for better or first worse. 

Visit Peggy for more daybook entries!

On Bringing Others to Christ

I wrote a short little blurb here. Enjoy!

Daybook: The Beginning Part of a Long Week

FOR TODAY
(September 20, 2010)

Outside my window... it is dark.  That combined with how tired I am make it seem very, very late. It's not even 8:30.

I am thinking... about what my life would look like if I really gave 100%.  I'm thinking that because I've started thinking that God is calling me to just that. 100%, all the time.  My initial response to that: wow, I'm already tired even as it is. That hasn't stopped God from calling. I've become quite dissatisfied when I catch myself giving less.

I am thankful for... the many, many gifts God has given to me and the little ways He has allowed me to recognize them lately. Also, the providential way that, though we far apart, my friends and I continue to live parallel spiritual lives. This allows us to be great comfort and encouragement to each other.

I am wearing... Pajama pants and my undershirt from school today.  My hair is down and my teeth are brushed. I'm laying in bed.  There is still make-up on my face.

I am creating... lessons and promises.

I am going... to be at school for too long tomorrow. However, Wednesday is the first day of Fall.  I have lots of classroom decorating to do.

I am reading... A lot of teacher's manuals, an A to Z Mystery book as a classroom read aloud, and a lot about the Blessed Mother in preparation for a youth group night to come at the beginning of October.

I am hoping... that God continues to bless me with an abundance of recognizable gifts... and that I learn to surrender wholly, including surrender to the fact that in order to live the life to which I am called, I must be willing to suffer.

I am hearing... fans blowing in the room

Around the classroom...it's ITBS week. It's funny because though I'm not an advocate of standardized testing, there are elements of this week that are able to look more like my vision for my classroom than anything else has so far.

One of my favorite things... getting enough sleep.

I am growing ... closer to God. Hopefully.

Visit Peggy for more daybook entries!

Sprinkled With Grace

Note: This blog post is published without proofreading.  That may prove to be disastorous. However, I am tired. 5:30 comes very early.

This morning did not get off to a good start. I woke up tired. The process of dragging myself out of bed was not fun. I was behind schedule at every turn.  I did not make it out of the house until almost 7, which is a whole 15 (20 on a good morning) minutes late. I could not the deadbolt to lock, so I frustratedly gave up, only locking the knob itself. I had trouble backing out and ran over a whole lot of the grass.  I was just in a bad mood.  I was not looking forward to the day.

Then as I was turning on to the highway, Joy FM began playing Matt Maher's Hold Us Together. I took the opportunity to rock out to it. Just as I was becoming frustrated with the extra traffic, another great sing-a-long song game on. God's grace was blessing me through the radio station.

Normally if I'm a few minutes behind schedule, the traffic in Festus is horrendous and makes me even later to school.  This was something I was upset about in the rush to get out the door.  However, today there was no traffic at all. I made it through Festus without problem: another sprinkle.

I had been struggling with getting a social studies disc to work in the computer.  I was desperate to get something off of it copied before school.  When I asked Jenny is she happened to have any copied, she revealed that she had a book of blackline masters from the company.  I was so happy to learn that: another sprinkle.

Since it was a Wednesday morning, I took my class to mass. I was able to get lunch count done before we left without any problems, and we were able to leave on time: another sprinkle. My kids were well behaved during mass, and I actually to focus some this time around: another sprinkle.

At this point, I found it very easy to smile.

During my first prep of the day, I realized that I did not have the science performance assessment I had planned prepped yet, and I didn't have the materials I needed.  However, the prep didn't take long, and my make-shift plan B turned out to be even better than plan A: another sprinkle.

I got my first pay check, and everyone was excited for me.  They even took my picture.  I felt like I was part of the community: sprinkle, sprinkle, sprinkle.

During my second prep, I was actually able to sit down and grade papers: big sprinkle there.

By the time I got to adoration on my home, I could not wait to see Jesus.  Being able to tell Him "thank you" was just what I wanted: another sprinkle.

When I got home, there was left over spaghetti to eat for dinner: sprinkle.  When I turned on the T.V. NCIS was on: sprinkle. When the episode ended I learned they were doing back-to-back episodes: sprinkle.

Then my mom and went shopping for a dress for her to wear to my brother's wedding. This was kind of a dreaded task for her (and me too I suppose).  We managed to find something: sprinkle, that was on sale: sprinkle, and we found shoes to match: sprinkle.

I so wanted to be able to share joy with you.  After a summer of suffering and struggling to express it here in a way that was real and yet not depressing, it is a testament to God's glory to be able to share joy.

God is good!

I'm Not Happy...

... with how long it has been since my last blog.  However, I sit here tonight uninspired.

Thus, silence.

Still.

Something I Learned While Buying a Car

While deciding what king of car to purchase, I was worried about my future, trying to decide which car would be best in the long wrong based on a myriad of "what ifs."  Finally, I just had to stop.  I had to learn that what I really believe is that God gives us the wisdom now to make the decisions that will be best for us in the future regardless of how much time we spend worrying about the what-ifs.  If we honestly seek His will for our lives, He doesn't let what He has not yet chosen to reveal to us be hurt or ruined by the decision we make now.  So, I had to learn to approach Him with I do know about my life and listen for His guidance.

Now, I have to trust in His faithfulness rather than constantly doubt.

On How to Let the Light of Christ Shine Through Me...

I first have to believe that His grace is enough- its power is bigger than my weakness. Then I have to understand that whatever I reveal of His glory and holiness is not about me at all. It's about Him and those to whom the glory is revealed. I am that which fades. He is God who lasts. I must never believe I am a worthless vessel. What vessel of God could possibly be worthless? Only he who turns and runs away, neither trusting in who God is nor in who God created him be. The one who fears does not reveal; the one who trusts, against all odds, outward signs, and internal feelings, reveals more than he can even contain.

Gasping for ... Air?

With so many new things happening in my life right now, it is difficult to blog. Not because I don't have time, but because there are so many "blogable" topics that it is hard for me to sit down and focus on just one.

All of the new things have kept me very busy, so when I something profound hits me, it comes unexpectedly and intensely. That is true of this post as well.

It is hard to be out of college.  It is hard to have my life look so different. This is not because I am unhappy, on the contrary, I'm experiencing deep conviction that this is what God wants for my life right now, though I see it as a temporary "now".  This is a time of transition.  I mistakenly believed that the time of transition began in the weeks leading up to graduation and would end when I started teaching.  False.  So when will it end?  When I finally buy a new car? Probably not.  When I've been teaching for a couple months and have settled into a routine? Probably not. No, I'm coming to realize that this transition is likely much bigger than those things.  It is likely to continue for some time.

As I have moved back home and started working, my closest friends have also moved to new things and started new jobs (or grad school).  I have felt very alone.  I'm longing for deep friendship.  I'm longing for a person in whom I can invest time, energy, emotion, and prayer.  I'm looking for someone with whom I can experience deep friendship.  It is a blessing to have someone who can follow all your stories, challenge all your shortcomings, and know that they can make you laugh.  That is a blessing that I had in great abundance in College. It is a blessing I want desperately again. 

This is the perfect time to talk about relying heavily on God, learning to trust and love Him in a way that results in my clear understanding that I need only Him.

The timing is perfect, but the discussion is not going to happen. Not now.  Now there is something that seems to be a bit more pressing.  We were created for communion with God through persons.  We were created to love God in the people around us.  To be a reflection of the relationships that is God, the Trinity. 

God calls us to respond to this reality in different ways.  The priest encounters the communitive nature of God in the people to whom he ministers. The religious sister or monk encounters that community in the other members of the Order.  The husband and wife encounter it in each other and in their children.

The question for me, who believes I am called to the married life, is: how am I to encounter that community now?  What does God want for that part of me that was created for community?

Yesterday, I read an old post Elizabeth had linked. In it, she described the many different phases in her life during which she made a familiar drive to a certain College Campus. Reading it, I was struck be the beauty of the movement of time, the grace which sprinkled every new phase with God. I found myself running, literally out of my seat, looking for some place where I could catch my breath.  I needed a place where I could pause and breathe in God's will for my life.  What I could read in her descriptions was the many different ways she was able to encounter God. 

It leaves me wondering what this time of longing for personal communion, for an encounter with God in a new person, this time of gasping, literally -not for air, but for my breath, for my life, for God - will one day look like. 

Where is this time of transition taking me?

Things I do LIKE

A few nights ago, when I blogged a list of things I do not like, I promised a blog of things I DO like would follow.  I have been asked where that blog is.  It is here.

1.) Eggs in the mornings.
2.) Being around children.
3.) Helping pregnant mommies and mommies with newborns.
4.) Those friends with whom laughter is an inescapable given.
5.) The sheer and utter beauty of a happy, holy family striving to know and live God's will.
6.) The kind of prayer that, by its very nature, melts the unwilling and wayward heart, leaving in its place a heart that dances in surrender.
7.) The quiet and stillness of morning solitude.
8.) The warmth and comfort of the bed when you wake up a few hours before your alarm, relieved that it is not yet time to rise.
9.) The innocence and liveliness of young, pure hearts.
10.) Daises and Lillies.
11.) A cool breeze on a late-summer night.
12.) The way that you can smell fall before it arrives.
13.) The awe-inspiring peace brought forth through the breathing in and out of nature.
14.) Taking my shoes off after a day of working.
15.) Seeing the face of our great God in the eyes of those around me.
16.) God's mercy, forgiveness, and love.
17.) Listening to music.
18.) Watching NCIS.
19.) Movies and books that make me think about life and God and how those things are inextricably linked.
20.) That part of me that I'm keenly aware needs to change.  The part that is obviously unfinished.  The part is a constant, at times unbearable reminder that I am in desperate need of God.

The Most Common Question

The thing that most people in my life want to know is how my school year is going.  I find it a difficult question to answer.  It's going well.  There is nothing wrong with it, nothing I would change.  Well.  Except the 5:15 wake up, the 30 minute drive, all the time on my feet, the super rushed eating of lunch, the challenge of making everything I have to do fit into the amount of time I have ... you know.  Just a few things. :-)

Oh, but even those things are not so bad.

It's ironic really.  For so long I lamented over not having my own classroom with my own procedures, supplies, ideas, and general way of doing things. Now that I have those things, I find that I wish I had someone (an over 5ft tall, adult someone who does NOT call me Miss Hunter) with whom to share them.  I don't always like being alone.

It is also interesting how some times my students seem normal sized to me.  I don't necessarily think of them as children.  It's only when I stop and look at them, really look at them, that I can see just how small they really are.  Not only small in size, but in the ways of the world.  It is not that they are naive; they see and feel brokenness.  I just see that they are beautiful children, clearly made the image and likeness of God. But again, I only see that when I take the time to pause and really see.

Perhaps that is part of why childhood is stripped away so easily in today's world.  Unless we take the time to really see who children are, we easily forget that they are small.  The acknowledgment of that smallness makes all the difference. Suddenly, I am compelled to transform the way I relate to them. I owe them the extra moment it takes for me to smile.  I owe them the pause before my words that changes my voice from impatient to warm and encouraging.  I owe them the diligence it takes to train and discipline.

I owe them my sacrifices.

I owe them because when I pause and look at them, I see the way to the Heavenly Kingdom.  They are showing me the path to God.

Back-to-School Offering

There are many different reactions that come with going back to school. It is disappointing to have the carefree days of summer coming to a close. It can be sad to watch the days of sleeping until noon slip silently into the past.  The prospect of homework, novels, papers, and impossible math problems can make school look less and less appealing. However, there is something fun ...

Click here to read the rest.

Some Things I Do Not Like

I woke up this morning in a bad mood, and I spent most of the day feeling the same way.  It was a bit odd to me. Sometimes when I'm really tired I get crabby.  Some days people seem a bit more annoying to me to than others.  However, I'm rarely merely in a down-right bad mood. 

In keeping with what became the theme of my day, tonight's blog is a list of things I do not like.

1.) Having to get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.
2.) When I type a long facebook message or email that gets deleted for some reason before it is sent.
3.) Being tired.
4.) Not having a space of my own.
5.) Being confused.
6.) Not being able to fix something that is broken.
7.) Having the check engine light come on in the car.
8.) Filling up the gas tank...though I DO like the smell of gasoline!
9.) Waking up and thinking that you still have time to sleep only to look at the clock and see that the alarm will be going off in a couple minutes.
10.) Not knowing what to wear.
11.) Killing bugs.
12.) Driving in snowy weather.
13.) When all of my favorite radio stations are playing commercials.
14.) When the NCIS marathon comes on but the episodes showing are the ones I just watched on DVD.
15.) Buying Wii games that aren't that much fun.
16.) Feeling overwhelmed.
17.) Knowing that my prayer life isn't strong enough.
18.) Making decisions that other people do not like.
19.) Confronting people who respond defensively.
20.) Having to admit my own failures.

Stay tuned tomorrow for a list of things I do LIKE.

A Promise of Prayers

Tonight's blog is not a well-thought-out expression of me.  It does not summarize my day.  Blogging in that seems like a great burden right now.  I don't mean the kind of "burden" that holds me accountable to really thinking, processing, and sharing.  I mean the kind of burden that makes feel pulled too far in too many directions.

So while the words here are few, my promise is great.  You are in my prayers. I lift you up to our God, who loves us more than we will ever know. 

Tonight, I promise prayers.

Tomorrow is Nearly Upon Me

I'm laying in bed on this, the night before I begin my teaching career.  For the most part, I've been calmly freaking out about every last detail. Naturally.

The part that makes me smile is that, when I pause (and remember breathe), I notice an unmistakable sensation of excitement.  This is significant, especially for me, seeing as I generally struggle to be "excited" about anything.

I am overwhelmed at the enormity of the task set before me. To know these kids, my students, so that I may educate and form them in the Faith and in life is a formidable task to say the least. I hope that I love them well.  I hope that they blossom as children.  I hope that they grow in faith and come to know God.  I hope that they find the classroom to be a place happiness, fun, and genuine learning.

I hope they sit down and quietly listen when I need them to.  I hope that they pray and sing and behave at mass.  I hope that they get along with one another, that they do well in their studies, and that they never get hurt.

Most of all, I hope that they discover God and that, in doing so, they discover the joy of a lifetime of laughing and learning all sorts of new and wonderful things at the foot of His throne, under the guidance of His Church, and in the care of those to whom He has entrusted them.

I'm ready:  not at all confident in my own abilities, but utterly filled - to the brim - with confidence in His.

Won't you say a prayer for my 14 newest friends and I?

Random Thoughts

1.) The world is waiting on your fiat.

Let that one sink in. Think of the magnitude of Mary's fiat in terms of the world. Her "let it be" brought forth the vessel of eternal life for all people - those that lived 1000s of years before her and 1000s of years after her. The world is waiting for the role your fiat - my fiat - plays.

2.) The stories of the lives of the Saints cannot tell the real story. The truth is, their lives were not about them at all. That's why they are Saints.

3.) Purity is a hard fought battle engaged in the war-zone of our hearts.

4.) Childhood is a gift...one we often try to take away far too soon.

Peer Pressure

Last Thursday was the senior-send off.  One of our soon-to-be college freshmen led the night; his topic was peer pressure.

Click here to read the rest...

Loving and Waiting in Perfection

You know that feeling that comes when it seems like you just can't catch a break?  That overwhelmed, tired, and worn-down feeling that is expressed peacefully with a shake of the head in disbelief ... or loudly with a stomp at the ground and angry, yet honest, shouts of frustration towards the Heavens? That's been me. I've done the disbelieving head-shake and the frustrated stomping and shouting, as well as everything that falls somewhere between.

Remember when I told you that God is making me holy? Well, its been a difficult journey.

I'm not sure when it all started, but I know that it has been going on for some time now. I distinctly remember it in the Holy Land. This time in my life has had two major characteristics. 1.) I have been pulled, pulled hard, in many different directions. Many by choice. There have been countless details in my life that have needed attention. There have conversations with teens that I have loved and would not trade for the world, but that have added to my burden. There have been events and meetings and conversations.  There have been changing friendships, changing lifestyles, and changing calls in my prayer. I have been pulled. 2.) I have felt, more so than ever before, alone. Though many times I have been surrounded by people, I have felt alone in my endeavors, alone in my person, and alone in my prayers. That loneliness has caused suffering.

I spoke also of my struggles and wonderment in regards to the Great Commission of the Gospels. It seems that God needed to stretch me, to increase my capacity to express, and to humble that part of me that takes pride in what I claim to know. Each conversation that begged of me a response to tough questions regarding the Church and God left me feeling abandoned, confused, and far too burdened. Beyond the needs of those questioning, there was another pull here. From God Himself came the pull towards deeper commitment to Him. As stood alone, undesirably called to be the representative of Christ's Church, I felt trapped inside myself. Try as I may, I could not escape.

God offered me little consolation.  I was surrounded by an abundance of desolation. My soul ached, longing for the change to which He called.  My flesh screamed in protest, begging me to give up, to walk away, to find something, anything else. My spirit was breaking.

Then I was reminded, in the most perfect way, of God's immense love. All of those things that caused so much discord within my soul came together for the occasion. I was alone, when asked by someone demanding more of me, to answer big questions.  In His wisdom, God granted me the grace to respond. In my response, God placed traces of the reminders I needed myself - that He loves us; that He truly works for the good of those who seek Him, even when everything in life seems to indicate that it isn't so; that when we are willing to turn to Him in our brokenness, He is able to heal us and change us - really heal and change us. That if He never withheld consolations, we would never realize just how much we need Him.  We would forget that everything we have is a gift, from God.  One that we do not deserve, but He gives nonetheless.

Throughout this time, in my honest prayers, I was left knowing that He was working.  However, that did not make the experience more appealing (or peaceful. As I dramatically declared to one friend, there was not a situation or relationship in my life that had peace. Even with Jesus all I did was cry and cry - hot tears of pain. I could not stop.). I knew that He was making me holy, but I have not the virtue to respond in a well-mannered, virtuous way.  Instead, I often found myself kicking and screaming, questioning and arguing - desperately seeking relief from the burdens I preferred not to bear.

And in all of that, God remained steadfast in His love and fidelity to me. He heard the honesty in the cries of my breaking heart. He listened. He loved.

He waited.

He waited for the unwilling smile that came with true surrender.  He waited for me to stop hiding, to stop pretending to run, not care, and not listen, and to stop telling Him that I couldn't, that He asked too much, that He was making it too hard.

He waited, and He loved. Perfectly.

From The Dream Giver

Note: Yesterday was the first day I failed to blog since making the commitment to blog daily.  Today, was nearly the second. The mere thought of expressing my thoughts, feelings, and prayers right now is almost unbearably exhausting - a burden that is far to difficult and heavy. In order to not lose virtuous blogging momentum (assuming such a thing exists) I will allow to read an excerpt form The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkerson that challenges me and each time I read it.

Could it be that the Dream Giver gave every nobody a dream, but only some embraced their dreams? And even fewer pursued them?

The more he thought about it, the more he thought is had to be true. 

One thing Ordinary did know for sure: He didn't want to repeat his Father's mistake. He wouldn't waste another day waiting for his Dream to seem possible. He would find a way to pursue it.

Time passed. Ordinary worked hard on his plan to begin his Dream. He made hard choices. He made difficult changes. He even made big sacrifices.

 Finally, one morning, he was ready.

Bibleopoly

Tonight I had the honor of being in the presence of 3 wonderful women who humored my desire to play two garage-sale-purchase-bible-games. One of those games was Bibleopoly, which I had played once before.

Although it is played in a way similar to Monopoly, the whole concept (and disposition of a successful player) is different.  While Monopoly encourages greed and the worldly pursuit of monetary gain, Bibleopoly encourages charity and the building of God's church on earth.

All of the cities are Biblical towns. There are "faith/contingency" spots, which tell the player to draw a "faith" card.  On that card is some kind of uplifting task or sacrificial movement with a positive twist.  There are also "abyss" cards, which are not pleasant.  Some send you to "meditate" without possibility of leaving the space for 3 turns. Another particularly devastating one recalls the Great Flood.  A player is forced to make a trip around the board, rolling only one die, knocking bricks off churches and costing property "caretakers" to loose offerings.

Each player becomes the "caretaker" of the different churches in the towns. In order to build the church, the players must earn the cornerstone and three bricks by giving charitably to the other players.  When a player is unable to make the required offering at a certain place, that player is not out of the game.  Rather, he gives what he is able.

Throughout the game, there are many opportunities to be greedy.  Sometimes the "faith" cards allow you to move yourself to any square you want. In that case, a player could easily move himself to the "community celebration" space and collect all the offerings there.  Additionally, there are some cards that allow you to move any player of your choice.  This would allow a player to move an opponent to his own town, thus collecting an offering.  However, both times I have played this game, those types of moves haven't happened.

There is something about the game that really does seem to bring out charity. I find myself genuinely wanting the other players to succeed so that the church can grow.  Even though it is fake money and a fake church, in some way it is touching, even inspiring, to see someone visit a church and make an offering out of their poverty.

I've also found that I really encounter my own selfishness in the game. I find myself hoping for selfish things to happen. I judgmentally (and pridefully) wonder if another player will be as generous as I have been.  Then when the flood card comes, I can almost feel the true weight of my real-life sin. Looking at the game board, I can almost see the real-life destruction my sinfulness causes.

In life, (and in Bibleoply too!) the road is not always easy. The reward is not always immediate. Sometimes, even when we are striving in virtuous community to build the Church, it doesn't happen. The tendency as the game goes on is to think more and more about yourself.  The pace of spontaneous generosity slows down. This danger exists in our own lives as well.  When the road seems impossibly long, and I grow tired and begin to feel alone, I tend to turn inward, to retreat into myself, to pity me. Sometimes, the lessons learned in the beginning seem lost on me in the long middle.

Thankfully, God will teach them to me again (and again and again) until it is finally drilled into my thick skull and embedded deeply in my cold and wayward heart I have learned them well.

And when Sarah drew the card that allowed her to choose any place she wanted to go, and she didn't choose the community celebration and the offerings that came with it, I smiled at her decision to instead go to a "faith" spot and draw a card. Then when that card sent her to the community celebration and she did receive the offerings, I grew, if only slightly, in my conviction that God really does take care of us.  Her selflessness was rewarded with a gift, and in the end, she was the first to build her church. When deny ourselves in selflessness, God rewards that as well.

Though it is only a game, the lessons packed away in that box, nestled and hidden amongst the game pieces and props are real. God does reward us. In Bibleopoly, the reward is nothing more than a trivial game night victory.  In real life, the stakes are higher and the rewards sweeter. When we work together to build His Church, giving from everything we have - no matter how small, helping each other in Christian charity,we bring glory to His name.


We play a small role in the building of His kingdom.

Oh My...

I think it is fair to say that I'm having a minor, internal freak-out.

I've come to recognize that many times when I just seem annoyed, angry, or generally uncomfortable in my own self, there is usually something fairly big going on inside of me that interferes with my ability to control and interpret my emotions.

As I lay in bed last night, I was agitated.  This same thing had occurred for several preceding nights. I kept thinking about how wonderful it would be to go fishing, to be out on the river, in a boat, where my worries and thoughts seem to float peacefully along with the boat, where the gentle rocking back and forth seems to soothe the tension from my soul.

It was at this point that I noticed the recurring symptoms, the familiar inability to find internal peace. Then it hit me.  I'm not going back to Benedictine. I start teaching, actually teaching, very soon.  I have to buy a car. I have to start "the rest of my life." Now. Today. Yesterday. Even the days before that. All of those things I've always dreamed, hoped, and to which I have sensed a calling are bearing down on me suddenly.  Well, not really "suddenly." It has been 23 years in the making.  However, I am feeling it suddenly.

So I will continue into the days, weeks, and months ahead with this understanding in mind.  The understanding that I am afraid and I need not be.  How do I know? For the Bible tells me so. ;-)

Drawing a Blank

I literally have nothing to say.

Making Me Holy

I wouldn't call this a dry spell - though perhaps many would.  After all, it has many of the classic dry-spell characteristics: loneliness in prayer, feeling like God is not there.  However, I know that it is something more.

This is certainly a time of struggle.  God is stretching me in new directions.  He is challenging me in new ways.  I'm not learning this in my prayer. Rather, I am experiencing it in my life.  I feel justified in saying, "the hits just keep on coming."  I simply cannot seem to get on top.

It's nothing too big. Annoying conversations here.  Memory lapses there.  I've even found a whole lot of more-work-than-imagined mixed in as well. Some things are just constantly not going as planned, no matter how many times I alter the plan. This is a trying time in my life. There are many things I need to be doing to keep up, many that I want to be doing but cannot, and many more that I should be doing but am not. There is just a lot going.

The tricky part is that when I turn to God in prayer, I do not seem to meet a filling wellspring of faith, hope, love, and peace. I seem to meet silence. I pour out my heart, lay down my troubles, and wait. All I hear is silence. I know He is there.  I have no trouble believing that.  However, He is not responding.  He is testing my faith, teaching me to grow.

He is making me holy.

And it hurts. It's hard. To be honest, I'm not particularly fond of the whole process. However, I honestly want to place my life in His hands, to grow closer to Him, to live this life well so that I can be with Him forever in the next.  That means that today I will keep believing.  Today, I will choose to have hope.  I will continuing living and moving and praying.

One day, perhaps even today, I will thank Him for making me holy.

Intentional Silence

Tonight this blog will be intentionally silent.

There are many things on my mind and in my heart right now, none of which are ready to be expressed publicly, nor am I able to see it as possible to do so prudently.

Goodnight.

Almost

I almost went to bed without blogging.

However, the scene was a bit too familiar.

"I'm already in bed"  "No one will notice"  "I'll pick it up again tomorrow"  "It isn't that important anyway"  "I can show commitment and discipline some other way"  "I did enough things well today"  "I can skip just once"

That is how it always begins.

Then pretty soon, day after day, that monologue of excuses is all that is left where the beginnings of virtue were once planted.

So, I pulled myself out of bed, turned the computer back on, and starting typing, bringing myself one step closer to "easy, joyful, and prompt."  One step close to virtue.

Did You Know....

...that God is big?  Really big.  Infinitely big.

The whole universe cannot contain God.

Please read the rest here.

The Visitation

As many know, the Visitation is my favorite mystery of the Rosary. I absolutely love to meditate upon what Mary and Elizabeth shared during that time.  Beyond the acknowledging of Jesus as God, beyond the out-pouring of Mary's heart and soul, we are able to see women nurturing each other in their roles as mothers. It is beautiful.

One of my favorite times to be around the married women I know is when they are pregnant or have just given birth. I love spending time with women in that state of motherhood. They are so completely given to their child. They sacrifice their very bodies, laying down every ounce of selfishness within them, to nurture the newest blessing.

What better time to nurture a woman than when she is giving so much of herself?

Eternity

I was reminded again tonight of how essential our ministry is. I was reminded of how important, how significant each and every conversation should be (and is).

We are always, at every moment, dealing with eternal souls that will either live in the sheer bliss of the beatific vision or suffer in the eternal devastation of no God.

We are gifts. We've been given to one another - to lead, to guide, to direct.  Whether it is the child in my care, the student in my classroom, the teen in the youth group, the family member at home, or the friend on the phone, I am meant as a gift from God to that person. To lead, to guide, and to direct. Which way am I leading? Were does my direction send?

Am I a champion of salvation? Do I encourage others in their journey towards God, helping them to discover His will and His love?

I should be. In fact, this is a matter of such utter importance that I have no time not to be.

This is urgent.

This is salvation. It is life everlasting. It is THE journey, and we are meant to travel together.

Mary and the Great Commission

I've always been something of an introvert.  I peacefully enjoy experiencing and feeling, holding things deep within me, and turning them over and over, again and again, with my mind and my heart.  I experience deeply and express only timidly.

I love when the Bible tells us that our Blessed Mother "pondered these things in her heart."  It's and image and feeling with which I readily identify.  I treasure that which I am able to ponder in my own heart.  Imagine how filled - to the brim and overflowing - Mary's heart must have been.  Imagine the glory of God that could radiate out from her heart.  It is a magnificently beautiful description upon which to meditate.

I do so love the moments in my life when the pondering of my own heart overflows into inexpressible joy.

But Jesus did not call us merely to experience God and hold Him within.  He called us to go out, to bring others to His Father through Him.  He promised to be with us always as we bring discipleship to the world. 

The question I've been asking myself is this: does my honest love of being an introvert, one who can ponder genuinely and experience with the depths of herself, keep me from my Great Commission calling?

Granted, I do not hold everything within.  My work in youth ministry, the depths of my friendships, and certainly many of these blog posts are nothing if not the overflowing result of my experience of the God of the Universe.  However, there are many, many times during which I shrink away from a conversation or a situation because it appears so overwhelmingly contrary to me.

So, what am I neglecting? Where am I holding back? How much further is God calling me to go? When does my natural, God-given tendency to hold precious things close to my heart - to seldom express - interfere with my call, as a Christian, to spread the Gospel in word and in deed?  How should I be more compelled in my actions to not withdraw into that quiet place, which is good and holy and truly of God, yet comfortable and easy and only one part of the life of a Christian witness?

How do I balance my inward heart and my outward mission?

In Summary

Today was a very good day!

I went to my classroom to begin the set-up process, which was good. Many thanks to Sarah for all of her help.

I'm very excited to get to know the other teachers. So far, everyone has been very friendly and quite fun!

I noticed that under-appreciate a close friend very much. Too much. I'm resolving now to change the way I approach his ideas.

My mom and I had were hosted for a game night by a wonderful mother-daughter duo. It was a great (granted late) ending to a very good day.

The only thing missing - and it's a BIG thing to have missing - is my personal prayer time. I'm still working out the physical space and the spiritual dedication. It needs to happen quickly before I settle into the routine of craziness that's headed my way!

Discerning Through the Noise

Tomorrow I go to my classroom and begin setting up. As this time approaches, I've become increasingly overwhelmed at the prospect of actually teaching. For a full year. Just me.

You know, after studying to be a teacher for 4 years, spending a semester student teaching, and dreaming about teaching my whole life, I've come to realize that it seems almost idiotic that school administrators and parents everywhere trust new teachers. I'm so young. I know so little. I have virtually no experience. And someone thought it would a good idea to give me a classroom and students all my own.

In the event that someone reading this is suddenly worried that they should contact my school and express deep concern about having me teach, I beg you to continue reading before you do so.

I was born for this. Whether teaching becomes a life-long career or merely something I did for a few years after college, I was made, in the image and likeness of God, to teach. I do not doubt that. He designed me with a heart that cares deeply, that loves learning, and that desires to bring Him glory in a classroom.

I've been given a mission. This is my calling.

As I sit here tonight, a myriad of suggestions and opinions runs through my head. I've read in numerous books, heard in countless class lectures, and been advised in conversation on how best to organize and run my classroom. For the authors of those books, the writers and delivers of those lectures, and the dear friends of those conversations, I am grateful.

However, I have come to see that those things cause me great anxiety. I can't remember enough. I can't choose between all of the great ideas. I can't imagine myself doing those things. I know that I'm going to walk into that school tomorrow and begin. When I imagine the other teachers stopping by, my heart beat increases and breath quickens. I have anxiety.

How can I explain my ideas to them?  If they question the way I am doing things, how can I defend my choices? After all, they have done this before; I have not.

But none of them are me. And I was born for this. I was created in the image and likeness of God to teach. He designed me with a heart for this.

While my decisions are far from infallible, they are the decisions of a person who, in surrender to the will of God, has said yes to this year and all that it may bring. God has given me grace for this. God will continue giving me grace for this.  There is a degree to which I have to know and trust myself.  Because there is a degree to which, in doing so, I come to better know and trust God.

Abraham and God

Note: At the time of publication, the background template on my blog is in need of repair. However, now is not a time that I'm interested in fixing it.

I loved the first reading at mass today. I listened to the words while imagining a scene at which I had to smile.  It was all tos familiar. Abraham asking God if He would in fact be subject to the demands of justice. Returning again and again with a new question - each time beginning by stating that he has no real right to ask anything of the Father, much less to question His ways.

How often my prayers begin the same way. "God, I know that I shouldn't ask but..." "I know it isn't for me to question but..." "God, I need the grace to trust you and have stronger faith but ...."

God's response in the reading was one of patience. In fact, it almost seemed as if He enjoyed this opportunity to teach and reassure Abraham of His justice, His love, and His mercy.

God wants us to know Him.

In the Gospel reading, the apostles (going through the Son to the Father, which is -as scripture tells us - the only way to know the Father) ask Jesus to teach them how to pray.  He teaches them to first give honor and glory to God and to accept God's will, not their own. From this we can learn that in approaching God in humility, in humble surrender, we can come to know Him better.

The Abraham in us all can be satisfied.

In Black and White

Well everyone. Here it is.

I am officially (and publicly) committing to blogging everyday. I have never made this commitment before, largely because I know that it is in the little, day-to-day disciplines that I most struggle. In other words, I knew (and was content with the fact) that I would fail. However, my life needs to change. Within those little, day-to-day disciplines lies my deepest need for growth.

My life must change.

So tonight marks a new beginning, a bigger commitment. This entry is not glamorous; it does not offer the kind of life one would desire to mimic.  It's one stroke of goodness rests in the fact that it is real, an honest prayer murmured heavenward towards a God who deserves far more...

Dear Jesus,

O how I love Thee! And O how I have neglected You. My prayer life is not a deep and rich oasis of fulfillment and love. It exists only in spurts - small moments scattered infrequently throughout my day - when I am reminded of You and Your love. Those moments are not an intimate and joyous exchange. Rather, they are fleeting reminders that inspire feelings of guilt and sorrow, which are quickly brushed off.

That prayer was written a month ago. Not much has changed. Actually, in the interest remaining completely genuine, nothing has changed. At least not for the better.

Tonight marks a new beginning.

The Trials of Old

Today I stumbled across an old notebook with several journal entries. As I read and remembered, I came across this entry.  It is so very true.  The me of the past is speaking to the me of the present. And I would do well to listen...

April 25, 2007

For the first time, I actually feel a desire to grow closer to God. It used to always be something I prayed about because I knew I should. Now, I really want it.

I really want to carve out and protect a place within me for God. I think the starting point is in the things about which I think. In order for God to be my focus, I need to give Him a clear path to my heart. I spend too much time fantasizing about my future. I find it enjoyable, and a lot of times, I'm imagining things I desire and think will make me happy. The truth is that true happiness lies in God's will for my life.

The thoughts that will make me truly happy are those that center around Him. If I fall asleep thinking about scripture and meditating on the grace and glory of God, I will be peaceful and my time will have been better spent. After all, God is more worthy of my attention than the decor of my dream home. Such invading thoughts crowd God and limit His space in my life.

A Need Within The Quietest Me

The past few days I have felt called to take an honest look at my life. I'm not sure where I was standing nor what I was thinking when I first experienced this prompting, but it did not go away.  So, I pursued the matter. What I discovered as a result was not something good, certainly not something of which I am proud.

My reflections drew me to genuine realization that God is not all that He should be in my life. I took a look at my quietest moments. I examined the moments when I am really alone, when the world around me stops, when I'm not on the computer or reading or listening to music or planning my classroom. The moments when I'm truly still and quiet. What I discovered was that in those moments, I am not present to God. He is neither the object of my affections nor the topic of my thoughts.

In the depths of who I know myself to be, I have shut out God. When I am sad, when I am lonely, when I am tired, when I can sense with undeniable conviction that all is not right, He is not the one I cling to.

Instead I let my imagination run free. I dream of a life that is so very different from the one I'm currently living. I delight in the fantasy of self-scripted friendships, imaginary virtues, and utterly fake sources of happiness

In my quietest moments, I run to a world that cannot possibly draw me to God because it is a world that is in no way real.

In my not-so-quiet moments I claim to love God in a way that I don't. I reassure myself with the quick murmur of timeless and beautiful prayers, which my lips pray without my heart. I tell myself that my relationship with God has enough history to make up for this time - that in the overall summary of my journey the good is winning.

God doesn't want my overall summary.  He wants all of me, in every moment, to choose Him.

So then, changes must be made. I must fast. I must pray. I must reduce and control within myself those distractions that I allow to numb me to the Truth. God wants more.

The well-being of my soul demands that He have it now.

The Things We Say (at the LifeTeen Leadership Conference)

Greg: Do remember watching movies on laser-disk?
Me: Laser-disk? Was that before VHS?
Russ: Was laser-disk before VHS?
Me: Sorry! I'm confused...
Russ: Clearly.

LifeTeen Leadership Conference

I had the great privilege of helping Benedictine host the 2010 LifeTeen Leadership Conference. It was my job to assist with sound equipment used in the Abbey Church and to make sure that the band and sound techs had everything they needed. This was fun on many, many levels.

First of all, it was exciting to be doing sound stuff "for real," working with professional musicians. Even though the majority of my sound work was limited to setting up and cleaning up, I did run sound for one of the masses. I was reminded of how odd it is to be a female sound tech. It's something I don't think of much on my own when I'm working, but the guys in the band and the sound guys noticed. They were surprised that I knew what an XLR cable was and could set up the whole Abbey system by myself. (Surprised in a genuine, non-sexist way. They never belittled me.)

Secondly, making sure the band had everything they needed included a road trip to Guitar Center in Kansas City, a stop at Starbucks, and a visit to the local bar for some legal and moderate socialization. How much fun is that? My job was literally to drive around and hang out with the holy, funny people.

The best part of the week was getting to know the guys I was there to serve. They are unique. They are funny. They are talented. Did I mention they are funny? It seems to never stop with them; I'm still laughing about some of things they did/said.

I was there to show them Benedictine hospitality.  I hope that I did justice to that call.  In the end, I thank God for them - for the gift they were to me that week, the gift they were to the conference, to LifeTeen, and for the gift that each of them (Josh, Colton, John, Grae, Matt, and Russ) are to the Catholic Church on earth. God is good, and they listen to Him well enough for His goodness to be seen through them.

Solemnity of Sts. Peter and Paul

In honor of this liturgical celebration, here are some cool Holy Land pictures that have to do with St. Peter.

This is a picture of me touching the Sea of Galilee.  This was a wonderful site to visit on the trip. It was amazing to think of all of the life that happened on that Sea, beyond the Biblical stories.  I remember being flooded with images of St. Peter.  That Sea and its shores are truly the place of his conversion.  They are the place where he worked, lived, got it very wrong, got it more right than he could have ever imagined, and where he first began to learn to love our Lord.

This is St. Peter's house in Capernaum. This is where the first domestic church began.  The whole village of Capernaum was a really cool experience. You could still see where the houses and roads of the first century village were. You could also see the foundation of the Synagogue where Jesus prayed and visited (upon which sit the remains of a 4th century Byzantine Synagogue).  Being here, I could almost sense the hustle and bustle of life back then - not its busy-ness, but its liveliness.

This is what the locals call "St. Peter's fish."  It is the kind of fish that Peter would have caught, and that Jesus would have prepared on the sea shore after His resurrection. I ate it for lunch on the Mt. of the Beatitudes (overlooking the Sea of Galilee). For those of you who need proof of that statement, enjoy the following pictures...

It was good.  In fact, it almost tasted like chicken...you know, once I got past the whole "my lunch is looking at me" thing.

This is inside the Church of Peter's denial of Jesus.  I love this portrayal because in the same image it shows the moment of St. Peter's most obvious rejection of our Lord and the honor that God bestowed on him.  It captures the complex nuances of St. Peter with which people today can so easily identify.

Following along the same lines as the bottom portion of the previous picture, this is the Church of the Primacy of Peter.

***

On this Solemnity, may our hearts grow in love of our Lord and His Church. May all Christians be united under the primacy of the Church He instituted, and may we all find the eternal rest and happiness that Sts. Peter and Paul rejoice in now.

Sts. Peter and Paul, pray for us.

Toy Story 3

Last night I saw Toy Story 3. It was a wonderful movie. I laughed; I cried; I was entertained.

The movie has a rather sentimental touch to it. Andy has grown up and is preparing to leave for college.  The end of the movie impacted me deeply.  It was about growing up and moving on.  It showed the value and significance of childhood as a whole.  As Andy struggled to let go of his toys, as a viewer I struggled with my own attachments to childhood - a time when life was very different from now.

I cannot say that my childhood was carefree. Even as a child I was burdened with worries (it's just part of my personality).  However, childhood was a time of freedom.  Not only were my days filled with time to freely play and enjoy the beauty of life, but also my heart was filled with the freedom to love joyfully, fully, and unashamedly. I could appreciate the simple things. I rejoiced in the goodness of the world around me.  I played, learned, and grew with an innocence that made my approach to life then differ from my approach now.

At the end of Toy Story 3, Andy passes on the secret of childhood itself.  He helps another to more fully embrace its simplicity and grandness.  He rediscovered in himself (and helped us discover, too) the joy and the freedom to live and to love that childhood is blessed to understand.

P.S. There is a great lesson to be learned from the toys themselves.  They struggle to know their real purpose, to love unselfishly, and to sacrifice everything for each other and, together, for Andy.  They see that their purpose is to be there for a child, whenever that child needs them.  They recognize that their existence is not for themselves; they have a greater purpose.  Though they do not live that perfectly, they strive for it constantly.  The cling to each other to defend it.  And in the end, they are rewarded for it.

Loaves and Fishes

Note: I wanted to post this on Sunday, but blogger was having problems and I couldn't create new posts.

This picture was taken at a Church along the Sea of Galilee.  It is the Church of the Miracle of the Loaves and Fishes. The rock that you see below the altar is the rock upon which it is believed the miracle took place. The altar and church were built above and around the rock, which has not been moved.

The mosaic on the floor just in front of the rock shows two fish and a basket with four loaves of bread. The absence of the fifth loaf mentioned in the Biblical account of the event that took place is intentional. When the priest celebrates mass, the bread that he offers (which becomes Christ's body) is considered the fifth loaf.

The symbolism here helps to covey this miracle story as a prefiguring of the Eucharist itself.  It also connects the mass we celebrate today to the eternal actions that Jesus (fully human and fully divine) performed here on earth - in the very spot pictured above.

This was one of my favorite churches on the trip, and the image of the fish and four loaves is found all of Israel (on magnets, postcards, t-shirts...you know...tourist stuff ;-)

Still Me

I expected things to be different.  I expected me to be different.  I expected to be in the Holy Land and feel different.  I thought I would be breathless with each footstep, completely enamored by the magnitude of the places where I stood.

But I wasn't. Not constantly. Not even mostly.

Please do not misunderstand: I love the experience I had in Israel. In fact, yesterday, for the first time, I had an intense longing to again walk along those streets.

But the chills and the speechlessness I expected were not part of my experience.

Being in Israel was hard.  Not because of a culture or spiritual shock.  It was hard because it is so very different from the place it was over 2000 years ago.  The people are different.  The streets are different.  Churches have been built everywhere.

When I imagined the trip, I imagined wandering around the places where Jesus walked, talked, and prayed.  I imagined being lost in thought and prayer, captivated by the scenes which Christ my Savior saw.

Then, it turns out that Mary's Well was built 10 years ago, the guide on the "Jesus Boat" on the Sea of Galilee will have everyone doing wedding dances, Biblical Cana was discovered in the valley below the site that has long been revered as that of the first miracle, and the visual stimulus of the images that Christ saw are blocked by the walls of Byzantine and more modern churches.  It was hard to convince my mind that I was in the Holy Land, not merely in some church in the United States dedicated to things like the Agony in the Garden.

While it is true that my memories will serve me well in future reading of the Gospels, those moments that I spent walking there were hard.  They didn't change anything.  At least not any of the things I expected to have changed.

Perhaps that is the beauty of the Catholic Church.  She is universal.  Jesus is just as present in every mass, everywhere in the world, as He was in Jerusalem, Nazareth, Bethlehem, Galilee, Capernaum, and Cana back then.

Whether I am there or I am here the Truth remains the same.  And the Truth provides me with a good life lesson.  Throughout my life God will continue to bless me with external potential instruments of His grace in my life. Whether those instruments be my friends here in the U.S. or the very land that supported the weight of Christ Himself 2000 years ago, the fact remains the same.  At the end of the day, no matter what instruments He has the potential to use, if I'm not open to His love, if I do not listen for His voice, if I do not allow my heart to be converted, I will not grow.  I will not love Him more.  I will not have greater joy or greater peace.  I will remain unchanged.


The challenges of living the Christian life exist everywhere the Christian exists.  I have to beg Him (there as much as I do here) to change my heart, to cultivate within me true conversion.

Here or there, I'm still me.

Hope That Doesn't Ever End...

...even when the sky is falling.

Kutless (a Christian band) has a song called What Faith Can Do. The chorus of that song goes like this:

I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end - even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do.

 I love this song. It is the song I listen to first every time I turn on my ipod. However, that line there in the chorus about hope has been a stumbling block for me.  It hasn't been something with which I can connect. I've yet to find myself in a situation that is so desolate and full of despair that the powerful hope expressed in those lyrics has been warranted.

Until now.  Until the Holy Land.

There are many things about my pilgrimage that I remember vividly, many that will continue to be part of my prayer for years to come. However, the thing that I cannot get past right now is the faith of the Christians there. The lyrics to that song I've loved and listened to for so long now came alive in that faith. Theirs is indeed a faith so strong that it nurtures hope, the kind that doesn't fade.

You see, in the Holy Land, the sky is falling. Many times it is falling right down onto the Christians, who are, by great statistic, the minority.

At the end of the day, when they are surrounded by Muslims and Jews making money off their faith, worshiping something else in the space of their Savior, and dominating the culture and the land, they still have faith. Strong faith. A faith that is not shaken. A faith that knows it is part of a religion that is bigger than the hardships they face.  The Christians know that they are part of a universal Church, that they are united in prayer and that in the Communion of Saints they are connected to a people outside of themselves.

And they have hope.

Hope that one day there will be peace.  Hope that the Christians around the world will not forget them.  Hope that one day their reward will be great in Heaven. Though their numbers and the space that belongs to them sometimes fade, their hope never will.

That's what faith can do.

That's what faith is doing.

It was a blessing to witness it first hand.

The Things (other people) Say

Me: What am I supposed to do with my life!?

Fr. Seper: Love Jesus.

A Benedictine Graduate's Thoughts

Yes, I just got back from the Holy Land. No, this post has nothing to do with that. My life has been a whirlwind over the past few weeks, and I intend to blog about those events in the order in which they occurred. The Holy Land posts will come in due time. P.S. Yes, it's 4 AM, and no, I'm not at all tired.

Faculty, Staff, and Administration of Benedictine College and fellow members of the Class of 2010,

Thank you.  Those two small words are said frequently, especially in times like this. However, in this particular case, they are the mere understatement of the deep gratitude felt. My time at Benedictine College has changed me. The values I have learned here, the knowledge I have gained, and the faith in which I have grown will shape the decisions to come and the future person I will be. Benedictine is the only institution I would trust with such a role in my life.

To the staff members who allowed me to be part of their lives and their families, thank you. The welcoming nature with which you conduct your lives has been an inspiration to me. The holiness exemplified through that welcoming and the way that I have witnessed life itself embraced by you will have a lasting impact.

To the professors who gave me so much more than class notes and grades, thank you. It is true that I have been loved by you. Whether that love came most from the honesty in your lectures, the extra time given to me in your office, the wise responses to my emails, or the general strength and goodness which I know to be characteristic of the way you live, it would be impossible for me to escape unchanged. True wisdom has been imparted.

To my classmates, my dear friends, my closest companions, thank you. The joy of friendship I have experienced living and learning alongside you has made these past four years indescribably wonderful. I am a better person because of the way your academic success, spiritual growth, and ability to live life with passion and joy have challenged and perfected me. We have been a true community.

Now the Class of 2010 is moving on. We are entering into the next chapter of God's call to us. As we enter the real world in a new way, we are entering a world in which the God we love and serve is shunned. It is a world were tolerance and relativism reign. It is a world that is starving for a Truth it fears and a Love it rejects. That Truth and that Love have been made visible and more real to many of us in our time here at Benedictine. They are deeply ingrained in the mission and reality of Benedictine College. The time has come for us to leave this haven of Truth and Love and to carry them into the rest of the world.

No matter what we are doing right now and in the near and distant future, we can be certain of one thing. God has big plans for each of us. And the degree to which we surrender to Him is the degree to which we will find happiness, know joy and peace, and bring others to those same gifts.

Class of 2010, graduation does not mark the end of hard work. Rather, it is the beginning of even greater work.

The time has come for us to get busy.

The Things We Sa(id) (Junior Year) Part II

Me attempting to open a High School Musical ornament: "I can do all things through Christ who strengths me... come on Christ!"

Me: Do you like cheese?
David: Yea, I like cheese! I like to cut it too.
(Long silence)
Me: Nobody found that funny.
Daz (starts laughing): That means farting right?

Me: Daz, don't be one of those people.
Daz: Knock, Knock.
Me: Who's there?
Daz: ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE!

The Things We Sa(id) (Junior Year)

"If God had a crap shelf, all of this stuff would be on it!" -Melissa

Kristie: It was sarcasm!
Melissa: Heretical sarcasm!!

Daz (to me): Five years from, every time I see a whiteboard, I will think of you, and it will make me happy.
Me: Unless I died

Daz (filling out her ministry application): My greatest weakness...hmmm... I know what it is. I just don't know how to verbalize it.
Me: Impatience...pride...lack of gratitude...
Kristie: This from the girl who said she likes to organize her gifts! (It was a mistake, and I erased it before turning in my application)

Kristie: Microwaves are the devil.
David: Yea, he has four of them.
Kristie: That's how they heat hell!

Daz: I almost hit you in the face!
Me: That's okay, I would have fallen and said 'My Baby!'

Me (from the bathroom): I'm picking up what you're putting down.
Kathy: I'm not picking up what she's putting down!

David (introducing Luke to Abby): This is Abby. If you make her angry, she'll take a dump on your face."

Melissa: This is my zen place.
Daz: I thought that was the window.
Melissa: No, that's my prayer place.
Daz: Oh! This is a different religion.

Daz: Your wedding is going to be so Catholic.
Me: Yea, until I fall in love with a Protestant.

Quietly Waiting

I'm out of touch with myself. I have a desire to express myself, but nothing identifiable to express. My heart is full and heavy, yet my head cannot ponder what it holds.

My life is changing.  It is at once a big and a small change.  I'm graduating.  I'm moving home. I won't be back here next year.

Somehow, I have nothing much to say.

I shouldn't be too surprised.  I know myself well enough to know that I process slowly, taking in and resting with before expressing and understanding.

The words will come in time I'm sure. Until then, all I have is a prayer that begs the Lord to draw me closer and pleads that the Father reveal is will.  It is a prayer that wants for so much and receives in undetectable ways. 

It is a prayer that bears much hope.

Discernment

The following is a list of the 5 steps for discernment as listed in my teacher's manual for 5th grade religion class (Faith and Life Series)

- Pray and receive the Sacraments often; have a deep relationship with God
- Know yourself and the gifts God has given to you; He will use them
- Search the desires of your heart; God will speak through them (see Ps 37:4)
- Be open and ready to follow wherever God leads
- Although it won't always be easy, you should have peace, joy, and a sense of rightness

::sigh::