Monday, July 26, 2010

Discerning Through the Noise

Tomorrow I go to my classroom and begin setting up. As this time approaches, I've become increasingly overwhelmed at the prospect of actually teaching. For a full year. Just me.

You know, after studying to be a teacher for 4 years, spending a semester student teaching, and dreaming about teaching my whole life, I've come to realize that it seems almost idiotic that school administrators and parents everywhere trust new teachers. I'm so young. I know so little. I have virtually no experience. And someone thought it would a good idea to give me a classroom and students all my own.

In the event that someone reading this is suddenly worried that they should contact my school and express deep concern about having me teach, I beg you to continue reading before you do so.

I was born for this. Whether teaching becomes a life-long career or merely something I did for a few years after college, I was made, in the image and likeness of God, to teach. I do not doubt that. He designed me with a heart that cares deeply, that loves learning, and that desires to bring Him glory in a classroom.

I've been given a mission. This is my calling.

As I sit here tonight, a myriad of suggestions and opinions runs through my head. I've read in numerous books, heard in countless class lectures, and been advised in conversation on how best to organize and run my classroom. For the authors of those books, the writers and delivers of those lectures, and the dear friends of those conversations, I am grateful.

However, I have come to see that those things cause me great anxiety. I can't remember enough. I can't choose between all of the great ideas. I can't imagine myself doing those things. I know that I'm going to walk into that school tomorrow and begin. When I imagine the other teachers stopping by, my heart beat increases and breath quickens. I have anxiety.

How can I explain my ideas to them?  If they question the way I am doing things, how can I defend my choices? After all, they have done this before; I have not.

But none of them are me. And I was born for this. I was created in the image and likeness of God to teach. He designed me with a heart for this.

While my decisions are far from infallible, they are the decisions of a person who, in surrender to the will of God, has said yes to this year and all that it may bring. God has given me grace for this. God will continue giving me grace for this.  There is a degree to which I have to know and trust myself.  Because there is a degree to which, in doing so, I come to better know and trust God.

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