2008 Awards

1) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend) Kayla Hartmann 2) NEWCOMER AWARD - COOLEST NEWEST FRIEND? Lindsay Chandler 3) MOST UNDERSTANDING FRIEND ? Amanda Powers 4) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR? All the fun times in my suite! 5) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR? All of the end-of-year RA stuff was pretty obnoxious. 6) BEST HOLIDAY? I'm saying this Christmas ... maybe only because it is freshest in my memory. 7) SONG FOR 2008? To Know Your Name -Joel Houston 8) MOVIE FOR 2008? Saving Sarah Cain (although Fireproof was good too) (AND I actually watched Gladiator ... well the parts that didn't have my eyes covered anyway) 9) BOOK FOR 2008? The Dream Giver (changed my life) 10) WHO DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES WITH? I can't remember ... no one specific 11) ALL AROUND GREAT FRIEND TO HAVE? Tylan Ricketts 12) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN On Call 13) RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR? The Cheesecake Factory 14) BEST PROFESSOR OF THE YEAR? Dr. Rhzia. period. 15) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR? To add a theology major. 16) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR? Learn how to really build my life on God. Follow my dreams. Love others as much as possible. (Jesus set a pretty high standard of possibility). Enjoy being ALIVE. 17) MOST STUPID IDEA? Trying to throw water onto Abby's windshield while going 70 mph down the highway. (As basic logic regarding the situation would tell you, it did not even come close to working.) 18) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR? I stopped being an RA. I changed my major (a few times probably). I turned 21. I finally got to vote in Presidential Election. 19)BEST CLASS? It's probably a tie between Christian Moral Life (which impacted me on an everyday/practical level) and The Book of Revelation (which changed the entire way that think about life). 20) NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION? To stop lying to myself.

Starbucks on a Sunday

Any day that necessitates a step outside the typical hustle and bustle and into a relaxing glimpse of reality is a day worthy of Starbucks. The environment presents a unique tension, encouraged by the multidimensional purpose of the product being served. Coffee is used equally as frequently as energy to get through the endless myriad of tasks shoved into a day as it is to provide that much coveted journey into relaxed bliss. Both purposes can be witnessed at Starbucks. As I sit sipping my carefully selected drink, enjoying my personal relaxed bliss, I observe this unique environment. With each warm sip, I can't help but believe that I'm entering more deeply into the purpose of life itself. Starbucks has given me the opportunity to ponder those things that truly matter and to smile slightly as my mind passes over those that do not. Starbucks is a wonderful place to spend my Sunday.

I had the great privilege of attending a simply stunning wedding yesterday. The bride was absolutely gorgeous. The Church, decorated for the Christmas season, was beautiful. It was a wonderful mass and exchange of wedding vows. I'm quite certain this one made Heaven proud!

My Prayer

MERRY CHRISTMAS! My prayer today is that you may come to know and love Jesus in a new and lasting way.

It's not about balancing...

...it's about listening. Over the past four or five months, I have spent much time pondering my desires. I believe that God purposefully places desires within us. It is through the desires that He gives that we are able to know that to which He calls us. For this reason, I have made it a point to treat my desires with great care and delicacy. Ultimately, I strive to cultivate these desires in a way that enables me to surrender them. Typically the process begins with a newfound desire. I then have to ask myself whether this is a desire that God is giving me or if it is something I desire for selfish ends. I spend time in prayer surrendering the desire to God. However, I've noticed that as soon as I discern that my desire is in fact from God, I take it and run away with it. I begin to control it. I begin to use it in the way I want to use it, all the while telling myself that it is okay because, after all, God gave me the desire. Upon noticing this unfocused and misdirected tendency, I became confused. How am I to balance surrender with action? Thankfully, God is a God of Providence. Through my confusion, He taught me that it isn't about learning to balance. When God gives me a desire, my only action should be one of surrender. It is through my action of surrender that God will give me the wisdom to know how He wants me to use the desire. Now all I have to do is learn how to listen...

Universal Church

The recent events regarding JP (see story here) have left me in awe of the beauty of the Universal Church. In the days following the accident, I have found myself thinking a lot about the community at Benedictine. This is largely due to the fact that it seems wrong for this to have happened now. This loss in our community comes at a time when we are not together, and we will not be together for almost a month. I want to be at BC. I want to be with the BC community. I want us to be able to spend this time together, lifting each other up. I want us to surround those in our community closest to JP with love and support. The most inspiring truth of this experience is that while we are not physically together, we are united. The distance has lead me to pray more, to attend mass, and to seek Christ's presence in the Blessed Sacrament. It is through these blessings, through the Universal Church, that I am able to be united with the community for which I am longing. Because of this, the Benedictine community, along with the entire Church, is able to surround those closest to the situation with Christ's unfailing love.

Prayer Reflection

My Love, I see You often hanging on the cross of Your glory. Tonight, Your grace moved me to the scene of You being taken down and laid in Your Mother's gentle arms. In that scene, I found myself caught in Your Mother's sorrow. I felt prompted to move, to stand, to act, to live... but I couldn't seem to move beyond the devastating picture. Later, Your Spirit brought to my attention that the body held by the Blessed Mother was not my God. My God didn't stick around after His death. He didn't remain motionlessly in a lifeless body. He was too busy fighting Satan. His resurrection was not a powerful surge of energy following a 3-day nap. His Resurrection was a glorious return following triumphant victory. The time for me to move is now. I can't remain stuck at the cross. Jesus died on the cross so that we could move beyond our sin. He died on the cross so that our sin doesn't hold us captive. We have work to do. He gave us the cross so we can hold it high above our heads as we live the Resurrection. We need His death AND His life. His death is the freedom we need. His Resurrection, His life, is the strength we need to move. I don't know what the end will bring. I firmly believe, as Christ showed us, that it won't leave us in sorrow at the foot of cross. It will involve His love and His life. When we reach the finish line, whether we are sprinting in the power of grace, or crawling on our hands and knees in the strength of His mercy, we will be covered in the blood of the cross, having completed the journey well. Lord Jesus, help me to stand at the foot of the cross. Help me to stand as Your Mother holds Your body. Help me to act then. Help me to stand there and declare, at the top of my lungs, with every fiber of my being, heart and soul, that there is no one like my God! Amen. *** Picture from www.rockofmysoul.com

I Didn't Choose Mary...

...Mary chose me. On the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, I finished a consecration to the Blessed Mother. In his homily at mass, Prior James reflected on Mary at the cross. His point was that of her free will. She freely choose to accept us as her children. This revelation brought tears to my eyes. I have great hope in one day being a mother. I believe that is God's will for me. I have said before that I can almost feel the flames on my heart when I share with God my deepest longings for motherhood. When a woman wants to be a mother, she wants it with a heart bursting to pour out love on her children. I believe that it was with this kind of passionate love that Mary took on the role of our Mother. She chose to have us as her own. She chose to devote herself to pouring out love on us. The truly amazing thing is that it isn't her love that she pours out. When Mary pours out love upon us, as only a Mother can, it the love her of Son that she gives. Through her giving of love, we are drawn ever closer to Him. Mary conceived without sin, Pray for us.

Missing Person....

That's how I feel these days. There is this part of me that has a strong desire to blog diligently, but that has yet to happen in my life. These next 2+ weeks are certainly not the time to start....way too much homework to keep up with. It is not for lack of topics about which to blog; I have many ideas swarming my thoughts and capturing my heart: celebration, living the liturgy, the vastness of God's plan, advent, suffering, reverence... the list could on for quite some time. However, today is not the day for those topics to be addressed. Today is the day for researching and organizing a presentation that is due tomorrow morning...

Blog

This is a link a found on one of the blogs I check daily. I think that it is very true of the Church today, and I hope you enjoy reading it. http://hancaquam.blogspot.com/2008/10/church-is-not-wal-mart.html

Waiting

Simon Peter was good at fishing. He'd put much time and effort into his trade. He knew the waters. He knew how to read the signs and find the fish.

Early in the Gospels, before Peter left everything to follow Jesus, Jesus was preaching to a large crowd from Simon Peter's boat. (I'm in Luke 5: 1 -11, in case you were wondering) Peter, Andrew, James, and John had been fishing all night and had caught nothing. When Jesus finished preaching, he told Peter to row the boat out into the deeper water to catch some fish. Peter responds to Jesus, as I frequently do, by declaring that they aren't likely to catch anything, but agreeing to act in accord with Jesus' command all the same, since it is Jesus giving it.

What happens next, of course, is a very large amount of fish filling the net. So many in fact, that two boats were filled almost to the point of sinking. Now, it is arguably true that what follows this scene is where the meat of story lies, but my prayer has lead me to stop here at the moment. Yes, Peter is soon told that he will be catching men instead of fish, but I don't want to lose the message of the story thus far.

When we look at the miracle performed by Christ, we must ask ourselves what purpose it serves. Biblical Scholars will tell you that the fish weren't needed. There was not a fish shortage. Sure, the four fishermen hadn't caught any that night, but that happened from time to time. What strikes me in this story, about this miracle, is that when Peter fished at Jesus' command, he caught more fish then he could have on his own.

So many times in my life, I find myself doing things that I do well. I automatically think that since I'm good at _______, I can do it anytime and it will turn out okay. This might be true, in fact it probably is. However, when I choose actions based on this principle, I lack something very important. I lack the understanding that when I wait for God's command, I can do so much more.

Just like Peter, who could catch plenty of fish on his own, when I wait for God to tell me to do something, I will do that thing with power beyond my own ability. (It will bear greater fruit as well) It is hard for me to be at Benedictine right now. I had an amazing summer, especially when working with the youth group at my parish. The program there is going great now, and I want to be part of it. I often find myself thinking that if I were there, I could be on core team, and I could do it well. My prayer this morning reminded me that while that is most likely true, if I wait until God asks me to be there, I will be there in His power, not my own. This means that His work will be done through me, which is much better then my own work being done through me.

John 3: 27 - 30

"John answered, 'No one can receive anything except what is given him from heaven. You yourselves bear me witness, that I said, I am not the Christ, but I have been sent before him. He who has the bride is the bridegroom; the friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom's voice; therefore this joy of mine is now full. He must increase, but I must decrease."

To Know Thy Son

"When the wine failed, the mother of Jesus said to him, 'They have no wine.' And Jesus said to her, 'O woman, what have you to do with me? My hour has not yet come.' His mother said to the servants, 'Do whatever he tells you.'" (John 2:3-5) I was meditating on this scripture in prayer this morning, and I reflected on the appearance of contradiction between Jesus' response to Mary and her command to the servants. When I read Jesus' words to her, I am left with the impression that He does not intend to do anything about the wine. However, when Mary hears His response, she knows that He will do something about it. As I placed myself in the scene of the first miracle, I imagined Mary's face during this interaction. Whereas I sit in confusion, Mary and her Son look intently into each other's eyes and communicate more then words can express. I can see Mary's eyes blazing with truth and confidence, as she breaks eye contact with her Son, turns to the servants, and tells them to "do whatever he tells you." It is because Mary knows her Son that she is able to know that He will act. She spent many years knowing Him, studying His ways, and loving Him. She knew Him in a way that enabled her to know more about the meaning of His words then we can know by reading them. The importance of this my life lies not only in my need to better understand the way Jesus speaks to me, but also in my ability to clearly lead others to follow His will. Just as Mary knew her Son well and lead the servants in obedience to Christ, I must know Him well, and I must do so in such a way so as to lead others to follow His path.

History

Today, Benedictine begins the celebration of 150 years of Benedictine education in Atchison, KS. As I sat listening to the homily at the all school mass this morning, I heard a story that has become familiar to me in my time here at BC. The story is that of how our school has reached this year of celebration. However, today when I heard this story, it lead me to a new realization. I sat there taking in the words of the difficulties faced throughout the journey and somewhere inside me I sensed a growing sense of obligation to those who have gone before me. It is so easy to look at Benedictine in all its goodness and ignore the hardship that went into it becoming this place I love. There have been countless times in the story that is Benedictine that men and women gone before have had to fight hard to see our vision lived. I now have sense obligation to those men and women. I believe that we owe it to them to continue promoting and valuing the Benedictine they dedicated their lives to building. This is our history. This is who we are. This is what we have to maintain.

Knowing Jesus

Jesus wants us to know Him. Matthew 22, tells us to love God with all our heart, with all our soul, and with all our mind. A lot of times it seems like the soul part of that tends to come naturally. My soul longs for something more (a.k.a God) without much work on my part. My mind tends to be easily satisfied - not to say that my mind grasps all of God, rather to say that it is easy to read and think, which help to satisfy loving God with my mind. My heart is a different story. Proverbs 3:3 tells us to "write these things on the tablet of our hearts." My heart should be so much a part of what my soul longs for and my mind understands that those things are actually written on my heart itself. I read that, and I immediately ask myself two questions: What does that mean? How in the world do I make it happen in my life? The first question is one I have asked myself many times. I remember sharing my frustrations involving this topic with a retreat small group once. I shared how I knew Jesus in my head, but I couldn't seem to get my heart on board. It was on that retreat that I learned this story about Blessed Mother Theresa. She heard her calling to form the religious order she began while on a train ride. That was the last time in her life that she felt God's presence in prayer. We don't have to look hard to see how much she loved God. It resonated from her very life. It is through this story that I came to understand how to know and love God in my heart. I was able to see the mistake I was falling into. In my quest to get my heart in the game, I was chasing after a feeling. I wanted to feel God in my prayer. I wanted to feel Him in my life. Blessed Mother Theresa's story showed me that it isn't about a feeling, after all she knew God with her heart for years without feeling Him there. When we look at her life we see, through her actions that she loved God with her heart. From this I learned that knowing and loving God in my heart changes the way I live. All of the knowledge I have in my head is known also in my heart when I allow it to transform me. When I know it in my heart it changes the way I live, the way I pray, and the way I listen to and read scriptures. This is the beginning of what I think is the answer to the second question: how do I do this? How do I get the knowledge from my head to my heart? The answer I think is simple. I just have to allow what I know in my head and long for in my soul to change the way I live. I have to let it dictate who I am.

From the Book: To Know Christ Jesus (Sheed) Post 2

"The Holy Family was a family - not a mother and a son with a man in the house. Joseph and Mary were husband and wife, and Jesus was son of both; Mary's son by birth, Joseph's son because Joseph had accepted him, which for Jewish law was decisive. Joseph was the head of the house. ... Joseph was not simply a man living in the house. He was the head of the house, and within the family his word was law." (pgs 70 and 71) When I first read the last sentence of this, I laughed a little. I thought to myself, 'this family is made of a woman conceived Immaculately, God incarnate, and a carpenter. Still, it was the carpenter that was head of the family.' God really does work in amazing ways. This shows me not only the great importance of having the husband leading the family (which reminds me to keep this in mind in my desires for my own future spouse - God willing), but also how God does not discriminate. He has a GREAT plan for everyone. It does not matter who I am, where I've come from, or how many smarter, holier, more devout people I am surrounded by. (surrounded by amazingly holy people as I often am blessed enough to be, it is easy for me to fall into the mindset that these things do matter) God has a specific role for me to play, and He will me enable me to fulfill that role as long as I trust Him to do so (as St. Joseph did).

From the Book: To Know Christ Jesus (Sheed)

"For the rest, we can think of Mary as occupying her day like the "vigorous wife" described in the last chapter of the Book of Proverbs: 'Does she not busy herself with wool and thread, plying her hand with ready skill?" She would have made all the clothes for herself and her men, covers for the beds. All that could be done in the home she did. And she never lost contact with God, God in her soul, God playing on the floor." (pg. 69) (Bold added) This paragraph really struck deep within me. Mary, the Mother of God, had much everyday work to do in order to live the life God called her to. I think this speaks volumes for the dignity of the everyday, necessary, tasks of life. Most of all, it speaks to the importance of maintaining contact with God through this work - not only in my soul, but in all the ways He is present to me in my life.

Dedication

This story is a great example of keeping a goal in mind, being resilient, and showing dedication no matter what the circumstances. It has reminded me of how often I take any excuse I can find and use at as long as it is effective. I am lazy and unfocused. The reason this girl was successful is that she had a goal that she believed was worth working hard for. How much better would my faith be if I could keep my ultimate goal as my sole motivation for doing everything? http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080528/ap_on_fe_st/odd_perfect_attendance

N-O-R-M-A-L

Ever since I began taking an active role in growing in my faith life, I've always had one stipulation with God. (Actually, along the way I have had countless ridiculous stipulations with God, this is the most long-standing and the most recent to be shattered.) I have always said that no matter how much I grow, how holy I become, I just want to be normal. I do not want people to look at me and see someone weird. I want to give everything to God, but I do not want to stand out. This has been especially true when I think about the possibility of getting married and having kids. I want my family to be devoted Catholics, but I also want my kids to avoid being accused of doing/thinking/saying/believing weird things. Recently, I realized just how misdirected and disillusioned this desire really is. What I have now learned is that this so called "normal" that I want to maintain is marked by many key characteristics. This "normal" means lukewarm faith, and mediocre devotion. It means conditional "surrender," and a standard for morality that leaves me asking how much I can get away with. It means living a lifestyle that allows me to keep God in the tiny box I want to keep Him in, so that I can maintain control over the areas of MY life that other people might question. That is about 6 of the many lies this desire has led me to fall into. The reality that I have come to accept, the truth I have finally learned, is that "normal" is not good enough. It is not what God wants for me. God is calling me to live a set-apart life. Set-apart from our culture and the lackluster disillusioned facade that it offers as a way of life. What is "normal" does not require me to surrender everything. It does not allow me to trust God. It does not mean placing full confidence in God and in His ability to shape and form my life into a life of His peace and joy. So today marks the end of my attempts to be this so called normal. Welcome to my new commitment to let God mold every aspect of who I am and what I do into the magnificent vision He has for me. Bring on the weirdness!

Rules, Rules, Rules!

When it comes to fleeing from sin and building my relationship with God, I tend to create a lot of rules for myself. I love making lists, and I frequently find myself writing down a long list of new ways to be holy. Today, I realized something very important. These lists (while often color-coded, written in my best handwriting, and perfectly organized) are meaningless. To put this into more concrete terms… a lot of times I’ll say something like “I need to make more time for God, so I’m not allowed to leave my room in the morning without saying a prayer, I can’t eat lunch without going to mass, and I can’t even lay down in my bed at night if I haven’t written in my journal.” Another example, if I’m struggling with a certain area of sin in my life, like judging people, I will make rules that say I have to spend at least 20 minutes everyday getting to know someone I have unfairly judged. If I’m struggling with purity, I might make a rule about not watching T.V. after 7:00. The problem I often encounter is that these rules rarely last longer than it takes me to write them on the list, and if I happen to successfully work these rules into my life, I find that aren’t as effective as I had hoped. This is because (once again) I’ve got it all wrong. The thing that is going to keep me from sin, the reason I’m going to choose not to fall into sin has nothing to do with rules that I make for myself. Because these rules lack the key ingredient. These rules don’t allow room for me to passionately love my God. That love, that decision to follow Christ and let HIM decide what I need to change in my life, is the only thing that matters. It is the only thing that will help me grow. All of the rules I like to create for myself are really yet another way for be to avoid actually growing in holiness. They might make me feel good. I can convince myself that as long as I have a list, I’m doing what I can; I’m making an effort. The truth of the matter is this, until I choose to fall desperately in love with Christ, my rules will not even begin to make a tiny dent in solving my everyday struggles. Because when I love God, and when I choose to let that love matter in my life, I end up praying because I want to. I have more strength to avoid sin, because I would rather think about God, and because I want to grow in grace instead. It’s not about how creative I can be with rules; it’s about how dedicated I can be to Christ.

Space for God

Everything in this post is based on what I've learned from reading Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy.... I need to let God have more room in my life. I spend a lot of time dwelling on my future. I love thinking about being married and having children. Daydreaming about my future spouse has been one of my favorite pass-times for a long time now. I often fall asleep to thoughts about what I'll name my children and where I want to go on my honeymoon. I think that God is calling me to marriage, and I love swimming through fantasies centered around that call. My heart and mind are very much set on seeing these dreams unfold into the reality of my life. However, this book has shown me a greater reality. The deepest longings of my heart should be focused on God. My most enjoyable daydreams should involve greater spiritual intimacy with Him. Leslie refers often to an "inner sanctuary." That inner sanctuary is God's place within me. It is my first responsibility to protect that sanctuary. Nothing other than God should be allowed to enter there. My inner sanctuary is currently not filled with deep, passionate love for God. I've filled it instead with a longing for a future with the man of my dreams and our children. I see now the importance of giving that space back to God. It is in God that my greatest longings will be fulfilled. My inner sanctuary should be a place where my relationship with God is nurtured and allowed to grow and strengthen, not a place for me to imagine my future. If God wants my inner sanctuary intimacy with Him to be reflected in a relationship that is wonderful. In fact, I hope that is what God wants. Unfortunately, right now there is no intimacy with God to be reflected. All of the moments I spend blissfully longing for the man of my dreams are moments that I'm taking away from God and using for my own enjoyment. God deserves to dwell in my inner sanctuary without having to fight my earthly desires. My goal now is to give God what is rightfully His. As I build this place for God, I plan to faithfully wait in hope, trusting always in His divine grace, that He will write the beautiful story of my life in His time. He cannot do that, if do not give Him space to work.

I Want to be Holy

I have a lot of memories from watching baseball with my dad over the years. I’m frequently surprised by some of the seemingly unimportant parts of a game that I remember. One game in particular, Chris Carpenter was pitching. He had been struggling early in the game, and I can remember him walking around behind the pitcher’s mound between pitches. A few innings later, he was pitching better, and I noticed that between every pitch, he was stepping off in front of the mound and walking a few steps towards home plate with his glove ready to catch the ball. I remember seeing this and, in annoyance, asking my dad why he kept doing it. As usual, to my dad this was a weird question. His response was an explanation of how he was “in the zone.” He pointed out that as opposed to earlier in the game, Carpenter wanted the ball. He was going to get it, ready to pitch. I’ve remembered this moment several times over the past few days in my pursuit of holiness. I find that a lot of times I say that I want to be holy. I say that I’m ready to grow, to be changed, and to passionately pursue what it means to be a woman of God. And yet, I sit around on my butt and don’t do anything about it. It’s like I get my uniform on and go out to the game, but then I end up just wandering around behind the mound. So, I have to ask myself, do I really want those things. Because if I really wanted them, wouldn’t I look more the Carpenter who wants to pitch, and less like the Carpenter struggling to stay in the game? Wouldn’t I be getting up off of my lazy butt and taking action? I think that I would be. My challenge is to not fall complacent behind the empty words of “I want to be holy.” Rather, I need to step in front of the mound, walking towards holiness, reaching for the ball, and actively seeking out ways to be holy. Then, I will be able to honestly say, “I want to be holy.”

Sacrifice

I've been thinking about sacrifice a lot lately. (Probably because it is Lent). I think that, unfortunately, Lent has slightly commercialized sacrifice. We tend to see Lent as time to give up something we enjoy in order to prepare ourselves for Christ's death and resurrection. Lent is that time. However, it is also something more. Lent is an opportunity to change and reform our lives. Lent is time for us to grow in the ways we sacrifice so that we are able to sacrifice in deeper ways throughout the year. A lot of times sacrifice seems illogical. It is true that it goes against human nature. Giving up something we enjoy for a greater good is not typical human tendency. However, we are called to rise above those tendencies into greater truth. In reality, sacrifice is one of the most logical things we can do. Every time we sacrifice something, we are saying that God and God's plan are more important to us than our wants and our plans. Sacrifice says that we trust God. Sacrifice allows us to clear out something in ourselves to make more room for God in our lives. Behind every visible sign of every sacrifice there lies deep spiritual truth. That truth tells us that God knows best. That truth is something that Abraham understood when he took his son up the mountain to sacrifice him for God. That action was Abraham saying God's plan is better than my own. Abraham had a plan for him and his son. He waited a long time to have a son. He was old, and his son was a big help. Abraham was counting on his son in the future. However, when God asked Abraham to make the sacrifice, he was willing to do so. This is because he knew that despite the wonderful plan he thought he had, God's plan was better. That truth is something the Israelites in Exodus didn't even come close to understanding. God asked them to spend three days sacrificing and preparing themselves to meet him face to face. They couldn't do it. They didn't see how God's plan was better. Consequently, they missed out on a powerful physical encounter with God. That truth is something that Jesus understood to the highest degree when he sacrificed himself on the cross. He didn't have to do it. He could have gotten down. He could have run away. During the agony in the garden Jesus shows us what true trust in God looks like. He prayed that God's will be done over his own. Then, on the cross, he showed us what true sacrifice looks like. We are called to sacrifice in the same ways. We are called to choose God's will over our own. This Lent, while we are making sacrifices, let's focus on how these sacrifices will allow God to guide our lives. Let's focus on how we need to learn to constantly allow God's plan to prevail over our own.

Beautiful Beyond Comprehension

Here at BC there are many opportunities to attend mass on a daily basis. It is easy for me to go to the 9:30p.m. mass held in St. Martin's Chapel. (located in the basement of my dorm). However, there isn't a mass at that time on Fridays. So a couple weeks ago I went to 5:15 mass at the Abbey. I hated it. I was really uncomfortable and felt out of place. (The Abbey has certain traditions that I don't understand). After talking to a friend about it, I decided I should give the mass a chance. Every mass is sacred. Every mass is important. Every mass offers me Christ. The second time I went, before mass started I said a prayer something like what follows: "Lord I don't understand the beauty of this mass. Help me to be open to it. Help me to see it. Help me to find Your beauty within it, because I don't understand it on my own." It hit me. That should be the prayer I say before every mass. The beauty and sacredness of what takes place at every mass is so far beyond what I can comprehend that I need God's help finding it.

Getting Ready Prayer

Highlighting Pen: Thank You, God for being the light that leads me out of the shadows. Help me to always see that Light and follow it. Foundation: Lord, You are the foundation of my life. Help me to stand firmly upon Your words and Your love. Eye Lashes: Lord the purpose of the mascara is to make my eyelashes more visible. Help me to find ways to make You more visible in my words and actions. Eye Shadow: Lord, as I’m focusing on my eyes, help me to see You in everyone I meet. Help to see Your grace in every situation. Help me to see Your love in my life. Blush: Lord, as I’m adding color to my face, I thank You for the colors You bring to my life. Thank you for coloring my life with beautiful blessings in so many forms. Lips: Lord I’m adding beauty to my lips. Help me to make the words that come from them beautiful. Speak Your words through me. Hair: Luke 12:7 - “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.” Lord, You know every hair on my head. You have great plans for my life. Help me to trust You who loves every hair. Help me to follow Your will. Lord, as look in the mirror, sometimes I’m satisfied, and sometimes I’m not. But when You look at me, all You see is beauty. You see me as perfectly created in Your image. Help me to see myself in this way. Help me to see the beauty You see and provide. Lord, when others look at me, I hope they see beauty. More importantly, I hope they see beyond the hair and make-up. Help me live my life in a way that allows them to see You. Help me make You so alive in my heart that people see You when they look at me. Help me to radiate Your beauty and love. Mother Mary, you are the most beautiful woman I know. Your holiness and willingness to give your life to God is an inspiration to me. Intercede for me so that I may be beautiful and grace filled like you. Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee, Blessed are thou among women, and Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and the hour of our death. Amen.

Take From Me My Life

"Take from me my life, when I don't have the strength to give it to You, Jesus." These song lyrics mean so much to me right now. They've taken on a new meaning for me. When I first heard them, I thought about a person being in a horrible situation. I pictured something bad happening to them, and the person not being able to turn to God because of all the pain. That isn't where I am right now. My second thought was about someone facing a new phase in his/her life. I thought of that person not wanting to give up control by turning to God. That isn't quite my situation either. (although control is an issue) Right now, I know what is best of me. I know who I should spend time with and where I should be focusing my energy. I've spent my whole life resisting accountability and making sure I can take the easy way out. When I was praying, I realized that even though I knew this about myself, I didn't know how to fix it. I don't have the strength or will power to fix it. I need God to take my life anyway. I'm not strong enough without Him. I can't give it to Him now, because I don't know how. I have to trust that He can and will guide me anyway. Lord, please take from me my life, because I don't have the strength to give to You.

Love Thy Neighbor

"Love thy neighbor as thyself" Raise your hand if you have heard that one before. Good, I see that all hands are raised. I was watching Dr. Phil today, and I stumbled across a brand new insight. You see, the thing about the phrase "Love thy neighbor as thyself" is that most of the time when we hear it, we tend to focus on the part about loving your neighbor. I think that a lot of times, we need to hear "Love thyself as thy neighbor." Dr. Phil says that we are the image we portray to others. The way we feel about ourselves, encourages the way others feel about us. If we think we are fun to be around, others will think so too. Personally, I love myself. There are moments when I think I'm so much fun to be around. Sometimes I'm sitting at the drums, and I do something that cracks me up. And the way I think sometimes, oh my goodness, I find myself funny. I've noticed that other people find me funny as well. So, it's kinda like this....love yourself, love your neighbor, and make sure you love yourself for the same reasons that you would love your neighbor. (ex) If you love your neighbor because he/she is optimistic, find and love the optimist in you.

The Quest for Transparency

A couple weekends ago I had the opportunity to visit Benedictine College in Atchison, Kansas. I also had the opportunity to attend a praise and worship session on campus. Something that one of the speakers said really stuck with me. He said that we have to be transparent with each other. Transparent. That is a powerful word. But I think the speaker was right on. We have to be transparent with our lives. It is the only way to grow; it is the only way to really share your life with others. It is not easy though. Transparent. That means completely see through. Every fault, every shortcoming, and every failed attempt. Our lives truly impact those around us when we are willing to humble ourselves into transparency. We become vulnerable, which can be terrifying. All I can say is buckle your seat belt. It's going to be a bumpy ride, but wait till you see where we are going! (Join me in my quest for transparency) P.S. I have a long way to go.....

Poverty

I'm taking a class called "Senior Religion Seminar." We are currently reading a book called Enduring Grace. In this book, each chapter studies one of seven female mystics. We haven't gotten through the whole book yet, but thus far there is a common theme. POVERTY. For example, St. Theresa of Avila is big on being poor in spirit. On another hand, St. Clare of Assisi is the epitome of real life poverty. (She was often too sick from fasting to walk). Although poverty is a central theme, it seems to mean something slightly different for each individual saint. So I think the challenge for me (and you) is to find what poverty means in our lives. In what area do we need to be poor in order to be closer to God? Is it to the extreme that St. Clare takes it? Or is something else, like poor in the amount of T.V. we watch? or the amount of time we spend on the computer? How can you and I bring poverty into our lives, so that we can also bring God further in?

The Body of Christ

"We are one body, one body in Christ, and we do not stand alone. We are one body, one body in Christ, and He came that we might have life. I have come your Savior that you might have life through the tears and sorrow through the toils and strife, listen when I call you for I know your need, come to me your Sheperd for My flock I feed." I think that that refrain and verse go together perfectly. It is my favorite verse of one of my favorite songs. It's a song about the Eucharist that teaches us about community. We are the body of Christ. We the community are the body of Christ. That is a beautiful thing. The song tells us that our Savior has promised to be with us through it all, the tears, the sorrow, the toils, the strife. Part of the way our Savior feeds His flock, is through His flock. Being the body of Christ means that we are all deeply united as God. In a strong community that recognizes the gift of His body, when one person hurts, the community hurts. When one person is celebrating, the community celebrates. Being the body of Christ allows us to share our lives in a profoundly special way. Through good times and the bad, the body of Christ is more tangable than many recognize. It is important to allow the community to be the body of Christ to all of us in our lives.

The Wizard of Oz

Ever seen the movie, The Wizard of OZ? (I'm assuming yes.) The most memorable line in the movie is "There's no place like home." The funny thing is, that doesn't make any sense. Home is the black-and-white place where you feel like no one understands you, and some witch wants to kill your dog. But Oz is high-tech color with a good Witch to protect you. Sure Oz has its faults (poppy fields and flying monkeys), but there are people you meet along the way to help you through. The Wizard of OZ takes us through the journey of life. We are faced with challenges, and we are seeking things. The Tin man wants a heart, the Lion wants courage, the Scarecrow wants a brain, and Dorthy wants to be home. The movie teaches us an important underlying lesson. As we journey through life everything we truly want to be, we already are. At the end of the day the Tin man always had a heart, the Lion always had courage, the scarecrow always had a brain, and Dorthy was always home. The characters of the movie had to go see Wizard to learn that. Lucky for us, we don't have to go to Oz. God gives us everything we need to be who we want to be. He sends wonderful people into our lives to help us discover, inside of us, everything we've ever wanted to be. All we have to do is let God in. Through God we will discover the extent of all our deepest and truest desires. Just like Dorthy, we can't do it alone, and just like her friends, we need someone much wiser to make us believe it. (that would be God is case you didn't catch on.) Life isn't a struggle to get what we want or be a certain person; it's a struggle to understand who and what we already have/are. *Special thanks to Dawson's Creek for planting the Wizard of Oz seed in my head*

Grieving

Already January has been a tough month. One my friends from school died on January 2, after being seriously injured in a car accident a few nights before. Her death, while sudden and upsetting, offered me an opportunity to think a lot about death. Naturally, I took the opportunity. When people would ask me how I was, I kept telling them that I was okay. No one really believed me, and I wasn't sure that I even believed myself. But I had this feeling that came from the depths of who I am and what I believe. This feeling just made me so aware of the fact that I knew that Elizabeth was some place so much better, and that it was a place she wanted to be. And deep down, I knew that there was no other place that I wanted her to be, then where she is now. The trouble is, while she is in a wonderful place, I'm still stuck here. This led me to draw the conclusion that grieving is selfish. Not selfish in a bad way, I don't mean to say that grieving is wrong. I mean that we do not greive for the person who died, but rather for ourselves and our loss. I went to all my classes last week, and I got a lot of homework done. Other friends of mine and hers, wondered how I was doing this. I felt bad, because I thought that I wasn't respecting her memory enough. Then I realized that it doesn't matter. She doesn't need me to grieve her, she doesn't need anything anymore, because she has the only thing that she has ever needed. It's all me and what I need. If I didn't to take time off, that's okay. Grieving is something that we do for our sake, not the sake of the one we have lost. Our individual needs are different, and that is why are grieving is also unique. In Loving Memory Elizabeth Eveker May 15, 1988 - January 2, 2005

Control

If you look up "control" on dictionary.com, you will find the following: To exercise authoritative or dominating influence over. I remember one time I was at Six Flags with my cousins. My little cousin Caroline was about 5 years old. We went on Cast-away-kids (remember that ride?). Well, as we were going through the pitch black part, my cousin got scared. Do you know what she did? She closed her eyes. Now, at the time, I thought that was a really stupid thing to be doing. Why close your eyes? That just makes it even darker. The more I think about it, there have been times when I've done the same thing Caroline did. I've closed my eyes in the dark to make things seem less scary. When I think about it now, I think it comes from the need to control. When you actively choose to close your eyes, you've chosen to create darkness. You feel as though you control the darkness. The truth is however, Caroline wasn't really controlling the darkness. It was still dark around her. She wasn't even controlling the darkness created by closing her eyes. Fear controlled it. I wonder...is there ever a time when we are really in control? A line from a wonderful movie with Tom Cruise (he drives a race car-I can't think of the name-something with thunder I think) there is line that says "control is an illusion." It's ture. We never know what is going to happen the very next second. We never really have control. The only One (notice the capital "O") who can/does have control is God. The thing is, we have to let Him have it. It is up to us to let Him be in control of our lives. My question is, if God wants control and can have control, and we can never really be in control, why don't we give it to Him? Why is it so hard to let God have what we can't use anyway?