Beautiful History

I heard a speech made by Lance Berkmen of the St. Louis Cardinals. He said some things that really got me thinking.

Many times in life, I'm super specific in my prayers. I approach God with a box, and in that box I place my limited vision of what I think will ultimately bring Him glory and give me happiness.

In 2005, when Lance played for the Houston Astros, he was playing against the Cardinals in the NLCS. Houston was leading the series 3 -1 going into game 5 in Houston. Lance is a professed Christian who, before the game, prayed that if he had the opportunity he would get a hit to help his team win the game. In the 7th inning (I think), Lance got a hit that gave the Astros a lead. His prayer at that point involved a little bargain. He promised God that if they held onto the lead and won the game leading to the first World Series appearance in Franchise history, he would give God all the glory in the post-game press conference.

Well, all was well until Pujols came up to bat with runners in scoring position. He crushed a hanging slider for a crowd silencing home run. The Cardinals won the game. (But not the series....shhh...we won't talk about that part.)

Fast forward to 2011. The Cardinals defy all the odds and are playing in the World Series. Down 3 games to 2 in the series Lance knew that it could all come down to one of his at bats. But his prayer was different this time around. Instead of praying that he make the big hit, he prayed that if he were in the position to make a huge difference he would be calm and able to focus on the at bat.

At one point in the epic Game 6, it did come down to one of his at bats. He says that when he was up there batting, he felt completely calm. He was able focus so that he could do what he had to do to keep the team alive. He did. At the rest of the season's story is beautiful baseball history.

God didn't have to make Lance get the perfect hit. He just had to grant the grace of focus.

That's what I want in my life. God doesn't have to give me the specific things that I see as valuable. All I want is the grace and peace to focus on His will. All I want, when the big moments in my life come, is to be focus enough to hear His voice and calmly use the gifts He has given me to follow His will.

If I can do that, maybe, just maybe, the rest of my life will be beautiful history.

Give Me Jesus

"All I know is I'm not home yet. This is not where I belong. Take this world and give me Jesus. This is not where I belong."

I can identify with these words. I can connect with the pleading behind them. I have felt the sentiment expressed.

It's a fairly easy one for me to connect to...when life isn't going well.

When things are falling apart around me, when I'm feeling weighed down by the weight of things, I get the sentiment. Just takes this. Please, take these things, and give me Jesus.

It makes sense. Take away all of the things in my life that hurt me. Take away the things that cause me to worry.  Take away the suffering. Take this world, and give me Jesus. Give me love itself. Give me the source of all happiness. Give me the eternal bliss of the Heaven for which I was created.

I think though that I don't live the same trusting hopefulness for Heaven when things are going well. When good things are coming my way. When I'm living joy here on earth, I'm far less inclined to say "take this. I only want Jesus."

But isn't that what we are called to? Is that not what God asks of us? Shouldn't we long for Heaven even when our life in this world is good?

We are called to gratitude of course - called to thank God for His blessings and to be alive in them while we are here. But at every moment we should be able to honestly say I'm not home yet. Take this world and give me Jesus. This is not where I belong.

We should always want Heaven, want Jesus, more than anything on earth - more even then the very best things on earth.

God can have it all in my life. Even the good.

I'll give Him everything I have so that He can give me everything.

Meant to Be

Sometimes in life, things just make sense. Things just fit. They're just right.

Sometimes God even blesses us with indications of His will. He showers us with blessings and grace-filled moments in which we know His loving plan.

Some things are just meant to be.

What I seem to have learned is that even the "meant to be" things do not belong to us. There is no guarantee that they will ever be seen all the way through.

Everything - even the things God obviously gives - belongs to God. They are His gifts to give and take away as He pleases.

He does not do this randomly at a whim. He does it intentionally, with the greatest good and highest level of happiness for us in mind.

When we say He can have our lives and that we want His will above our own, we have to be surrendering everything. Even the good He has given.

Maybe something really honestly is meant to be. But it is the truly abandoned person (the happy person) who knows, believes, and lives the fact that it always only belongs to the God who gives and takes away.

Daybook: Advent

FOR TODAY

(December 3, 2011)

Outside my window... So far I'm not minding the cooler temperatures. I think snow would really help me feel more like it's "time" for Advent. Right now the weekend forecast is warm, and I'm not sure what to make of it.

I am thinking... about this post on being gay and Catholic. It's an article that kept appearing on my Facebook news feed, and I kept ignoring it. So glad I finally clicked. It is an excellent perspective on living out the Church's teaching on homosexuality and offers a courageous example of laying down even the hardest things for the grace and blessing that is the Catholic Church. This life is really not about you. (Don't feel bad though, it isn't about me either.) It's about something so much bigger and better.

I am thankful for... real, honest surrender.

I am wearing... PJs! That is so often my answer here. Right now I'm just giving my breakfast a chance to digest before I go for a run. The PJs thing won't last much longer.

I am creating... a place in my routine for more of God.

I am going... to have to visit Denver soon. My friend graduates in May, and I really can't let her have lived there for 2 years without me ever visiting.

I am reading... Lot's and lot's of Advent and Christmas things. (Speaking of Advent, I'm so happy to be praying the St. Andrew Christmas novena again this year.)

I am hoping... that my heart really does change during this season of preparation.

I am hearing... nothing. Which is strange because it is not early on a Saturday morning. People are awake and around...I guess I just can't hear them. Oh. Wait. A leaf-blower just started up somewhere outside...

Around the classroom... I am the proud teacher of 17 holier-than-they-were-last-week second graders. First Reconciliation was this past week. Fr. said they were "well-prepared." Yay, God! I love watching Him pour His grace over children.

One of my favorite things... Caramel Brulee Latte. Starbucks. I cannot get over how great it tastes. Seriously.

Visit Peggy for more daybook entries!

I laughed so hard...

"A woman who wanted to work at a nightclub started searching for someone who could perform plastic surgery at a cheap price to give her a curvier body. Police say what she found was a woman posing as a doctor who filled her buttocks with cement, mineral oil and flat-tire sealant."

Read the whole article here: http://news.yahoo.com/police-fake-doc-injected-cement-womans-rear-174114519.html

I Was Honestly Flattered

During our Spelling Test:

Me: Mean. Miss Hunter is a mean teacher. Mean.

Student: Oh, so it must be opposite day.

(Now isn't that just nice?)

Funny Moments

The 2nd grader who read the First Reading at Mass this morning did a fantastic job! He really, really did. There was just one teeny, tiny mistake...

"...do not be faithful in marriage..."



And at recess...


"Miss Hunter, it's so cold! Can we cuddle to stay warm? I'm just going to keep following you until you stop so we can cuddle. OH! A ball!"  - And I didn't see her again the whole recess.

Daybook: A Night of Conferences

FOR TODAY

(November 1, 2011)

Outside my window... Today's weather is beautiful! I'm in love with the gentle breeze. I spent some quality God time outside on Saturday, and my senses have been infatuated with the season ever since. (Let's be honest, my senses had been infatuated at the first hint of Fall weather, but Saturday did contribute to a rekindling.)

I am thinking... a lot about purpose and motivation. I'm seeking to discover what ignites a drive within me to do things. I want the kind of interior freedom that I suspect comes from knowing where one is supposed to be headed - who one should be becoming.

I am thankful for... time. At this point, I'd like it to just keep moving. (I watched Finding Nemo yesterday, so my "just keep moving on" comment has me singing "just keep swimming, just keep swimming")

I am wearing... Dress pants, dress socks, nice shoes, a blue shirt, and a black sweater. I'm still at school awaiting more Parent-Teacher Conferences.

I am creating... more and more sewing failures ;-) Oh well. I guess I just need more practice.

I am going... to get. out. of. this. funk. Sooner rather than later would be good.

I am reading... A Woman Wrapped in Silence - but only very slowly. I have a couple of books I need to preview for my classroom.

I am hoping... that true peace and lasting joy are waiting just around the corner. And I'm mostly hoping that they will be sprinkled all throughout Advent and Christmas.

I am hearing... leaves rustling in the wind, a dog barking, and strange as of yet unidentified sound outside that successfully distracted my students today.

Around the classroom... I had to reschedule Parent-Teacher Conferences from last Thursday so that I could be present at history in the making. Game 6 of the World Series was, in many ways, just what I needed. Fun.

One of my favorite things... a nice cup of coffee on a nature trail during a peaceful Saturday outing.

Visit Peggy for more daybook entries!

Emma Watson

“I find the whole concept of being ‘sexy’ embarrassing and confusing. If I do an interview with photographs people desperately want to change me - dye my hair blonder, pluck my eyebrows, give me a fringe. Then there’s the choice of clothes. I know everyone wants a picture of me in a mini-skirt. But that’s not me. I feel uncomfortable. I’d never go out in a mini-skirt. It’s nothing to do with protecting the Hermione image. I wouldn’t do that. Personally, I don’t actually think it’s even that sexy. What’s sexy about saying, ‘I’m here with my boobs out and a short skirt, have a look at everything I’ve got?’ My idea of sexy is that less is more. The less you reveal the more people can wonder.”
― Emma Watson

I love, love, LOVE what Emma says here! I often tell young women to dress and interact with people in a way that allows them to reveal who they really are. We are more than our bodies, more than our outward appearance.  When we dress in a way that allows people to wonder, we are able to connect with them on the heart level. We have their attention; they want to know us. We can show them (slowly and deliberately) the real, living, and deep self within.

Joyful Mysteries (Random Musings)

The First Joyful Mystery: The Annunciation: I've often wondered about Mary's life prior to the Annunciation. I don't wonder so much about how she filled her time. Rather, I wonder about what she felt on the inside. In the depths of her heart, did she know that something great, something big - something huge, was coming? As a woman and as a person who believes that we are more aware of our purpose than we think, I think that she knew. I mean, she didn't know of course, but somewhere deep within she knew. I doubt she knew that she would bear forth the long awaited Messiah. Her confusion during the encounter with Gabriel is proof of that. But in the moments that followed that confusion, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she found herself thinking, "Oh. This is it. This is that thing I always felt was coming."

Do you trust the inclinations inside of you? Do you listen to that little voice inside of you that anticipates the greatness that you are to become?

The Second Joyful Mystery: The Visitation: Why did Mary go to Elizabeth? Mary knew (because Gabriel told her) that Elizabeth was living the very power that God has to do what seems impossible. At that moment Elizabeth embodied the greatness of a truly amazing God. So did Mary. Perhaps she sought the company of someone she knew she could trust to rejoice with her in God's greatness. Perhaps Elizabeth was for Mary a place of refuge, where Mary was free to glorify God.

Who (or where) is that refuge in your life? Are you that refuge for the people around you?

The Fourth Joyful Mystery: The Presentation: There have been moments in my life when I've really wanted to be able to present God with something that is good. I get tired of approaching God imperfect and unfinished. So often I wish I could present to Him my life lived perfectly. What I'm learning to accept is that presenting myself to Him at all is a grace and a gift. I can get so caught up in not being as good or as holy as I would like to be (or should be) that I forget to be grateful for the grace He offers that leads me to His presence anyway. The fact that He allows (in fact welcomes and encourages) me to present myself before Him at all is worth far more than even my desire to present more.

Are you grateful to God for His allowing you in His presence? Do you thank Him for the evils He does lead you away from, or is it too difficult for you to see past the evils you do face?

The Fifth Joyful Mystery: The Finding of the Child Jesus in the Temple: For several years now I've loved meditating on how Mary and Joseph model in this mystery what companions should do with their relationships. They are seeking to find Christ - together. Their focus for those three days is to find the Child Jesus. They seek to find God. That is how all of our friendships should be. Recently though (as my friendships have been shifting) I often myself not visibly seeking Christ with some people. What I have to remember now is that the purpose of my life is to seek Christ anyway. I should strive to find God whether I'm searching alone or with a companion.

Is seeking to find God the most important thing in your life? Are you easily distracted by others in your life, or does the pursuit of God receive the full attention it deserves?

***I know that I skipped the Third Joyful Mystery (The Nativity). There was a lot of lane changing and distracted prayer happening during that mystery this morning, so I didn't meditate it on it very well. If I get an insight on the next Joyful Mystery day, I'll come back and add it in.***

Feast of St. Therese

“May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.” - St. Therese

This feast is one that I always look forward to. The novena to St. Therese has taken many forms in my life; I have never received an actual rose. I've asked for many, many things. I've wanted the answers to many, many questions. Some of my requests offered through this novena are actually embarrassing remember.

This year, I'm not expecting big answers. Oh, I want them. However, I'm learning to accept that we are not always meant to understand, and I've presented myself before God though the intercession of St. Therese over the past nine days with the hope that I am genuinely surrendered in my asking.

Happy Feast Day!

Just Me

I don't actually have a lot to say. I can completely relate to the content of this song. I've spent many, many hours in prayer trying to force myself into a set vision - a narrow box - of holiness that matches my understanding of what it should look like and be. While the Church gives the example of the Saints and in the Communion of Saints we are united in the faith their lives displayed, we are not called to be exactly them. We are called to live like them - in surrender to God's will. But we were not created to try to shove our holiness and spiritual growth into the exact imprint left behind by their lives. In fact, that doesn't make sense anyway because what made them holy was that they embraced their own unique journeys; they offered everything they had and were, just as it was given to them.

It is easy to approach God as a set of "holiness rules." It is much harder to approach Him as "just me."

That "just me" is all He wants. He isn't looking for a complicated string of rigid devotions and mimicked paths.

He is looking for the simple me. He waits for me to come to Him in the simplicity of who He made me to be.

He wants just me.

Daybook: Something Coming

FOR TODAY
(September 7, 2011)

Outside my window... I'm loving the weather! I can smell and feel the coming fall, and I couldn't be more delighted! The heat of the summer got old...especially when it crept into September. I'm ready for some nice crisp air!

I am thinking... that this whole confusion thing is going to look really great when I see it as a display of God faithfulness and power to work in my life. When I see Him with the glory of it all then I will see greatness. Until then...wow. This has been a long battle.

I am thankful for... my students. So far, they have made the start of this school year smooth.

I am wearing... PJs! I've been wearing a skirt to school most days. I'm thinking of going for a dress tomorrow.

I am creating... a Big Dream. However, if all is right in the world (and my soul), it's actually going to be God who does the creating.

I am going... to learn how to sew. I need to find a place to buy a new belt for a very old machine. Then comes the fabric. Then comes the sewing.

I am reading... I just finished The End of Molasses Classes by Ron Clark. If you want to read the story of a Big Dream becoming a very successful reality, read this book. From a teacher standpoint, I loved almost all of it. From a person standpoint, I'm inspired to enter into greatness. I've become a huge Ron Clark fan.

I am hoping... for a miracle. There. I said it. I've prayed it. I'm surrendered. It's all Yours God. It's all Yours.

I am hearing... a doubtful voice inside me that really should just go away. It is not welcome here.
 
Around the classroom... we've really got things rolling in 2H this year! Math groups on Tuesdays are a great new addition. Writing Skills time during the week seems like it just might work out with a limited number of headaches. Math Challenge time is lots of fun too! With all of that plus the regular joy of Reading Groups and general teaching activities, AND 45 minute art and music breaks this year, I'd say things are shaping up fairly well!

One of my favorite things... joy at the sight of adventure and possibility.

Visit Peggy for more daybook entries!

The Things (Ron Clark) Says

" One by one, I got in the face of each child, saying, 'You can do it! You don't have time for fear. You don't want to regret that you didn't do this!' And one by one, they took their journey across the gorge.

And then, they were all gone. And I was by myself.

Crap on a spatula.

I realized I had to do it."

From The End of Molasses Classes by Ron Clark.

Crap on a spatula. I'm going to start saying that.

Come to the Feast of Heaven and Earth

Do you know the song "Table of Plenty?" If so, the title of this post probably has you singing it in your head.

This was the communion song at the mass I attended yesterday. You know what I realized?

Sometimes the Table of Plenty looks a lot like a tomb, with a stone blocking the entrance, and guards standing just outside.

When I think of the cross, I think of Jesus suffering there. In my mind and prayers, He is always dying - not dead. In my prayer, when I meditate on His dying, He is dead on the cross for only an instant. Then His side is pierced, and He is taken down into His mother's arms.

Don't you think that in the moment when Christ died, for those who loved Him standing there, the world stopped? Don't you think that moment was frozen in their hearts in a way that seemed beyond the normal rhythm of time?

And as Mary held him dearly in her arms, I'd imagine it was one of those tunnel moments - a moment when all of the surrounding life and movement goes unseen.

Jesus Christ died.

He was laid to rest in a tomb. A stone was rolled in front. Guards stood in the eerie silence and finality of the moment.

And the people walked away.

Have you ever noticed that the Bible doesn't tell us stories of His followers holding vigil as they waited outside the tomb for the Resurrection? Rather, they allowed His death to reign in their hearts. They accepted. Any hint of anticipation of His rising was not outwardly expressed in the actions taken in their lives.

Maybe it was alive - somewhere - in the depths of their hearts.

Regardless, for 3 days the Table of Plenty - the altar of our Lord, the life-giving eternal flow of mercy, grace, and love- manifested itself on earth as the still and silent tomb of death.

So often, I rush to the Resurrection. He died, yes. But He rose. And so we have been given the great gift of living as an Easter people. We can live and move and delight daily in the glory and power of Christ's rising.

But perhaps we should remember the tomb. Because it is in that tomb that God works undetected by us. It is in that tomb that He descends into hell, defeating death once and for all, claiming the victory that has been and always will be eternally His.

Sometimes in our lives, our relationship with God looks a lot like it probably did for His apostles during those three days. He is working in ways we cannot see. And somewhere perhaps, in the depths of our hearts, we know, somehow, that even if we do choose to sit, hidden from the guards, in the stillness of the garden where we see that stone, that the death matters.

And somehow, in the stillness and heartache of those days, we find peace. We know - and commit our lives to everything that this belief means - that the table of the Lord is always a Table of Plenty, even before the stone is rolled away.

A List

Here are some things I haven't blogged about for good reason (some of them) but that I don't feel right blogging more without mentioning.

- I dated. For awhile. That ended. The biggest thing I learned is that most of my "dealing with break up tips" come from Gilmore Girls, which paints a fairly decent picture of the reality of things. (Note: that is not actually the biggest thing I've learned, but it is true and funny...and definitely far less painful to write about than the other big stuff.)

- My heart lies in ministry. I absolutely love it. Teaching doesn't really seem to be the realization of my hopes for ministry. I'm using this year for some hardcore discernment in this area. I want to go where God calls, not because I feel comfortable there, but because He asks me to go.

- Suffering is very real. And The Velveteen Rabbit describes it well.

'Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’

‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit.

‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real, you don’t mind being hurt.’

‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’

‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become.  It takes a long time.  That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand’

- Speaking of suffering, have I ever shared with you my all-time favorite quote on the topic? Peter Kreeft said, "Perhaps the reason we are sharing in a suffering we do not understand is because we are the objects of a love we do not understand." God's love is FAR beyond our understanding. The "real" that He wants us to become is not a "real" we can comprehend. Suffering makes us real.

-I'm going to learn how to sew. My sewing books come tomorrow. The machine comes on Wednesday. The fabric will come sometime after that. I want to own an apron that I made all by myself. That means I must learn to sew.

-I watched Anchorman for the first time. Well...I graded papers during Anchorman. Why, you may be wondering, would I watch a movie such as that? I'm not exactly sure. However, a question I've had since High School graduation was answered. The Valedictorian ended her speech by saying, "Stay classy class of 2006." I always wondered what that was a reference to. I should have known it came from one of the most quoted movies of all time (Title of Honor given by me - so it's legit.).

- I've been talking to people on catholicmatch.com. Why? Honestly, most of the time I'm not sure myself. However, two of them seem like nice guys. One of the two has a family farm...with no chickens. Really? What's the point of a farm if you leave out the chickens? The other has this listed in his favorite actors section on his profile: "...Mel Gibson, Kirk Cameron, Robert Duvall..." Okay, I have a problem with Kirk Cameron making list. I mean sure, he does wholesome Christian films now, but to call him a favorite actor? Have you seen Fireproof? BUT, under normal circumstances I would let that slide. HOWEVER, to put him in between the likes of Mel Gibson and Robert Duvall...Really? Those are AWARD WINNING actors who ...you know...have talent... (Wow, I'm not usually that mean on this blog.) Anyway. As I said, they seem like nice guys.

- I'm reading Augustine's Confessions. Finally. It's really enjoyable, and not a difficult read at all. If you're my Facebook friend, you probably could have guessed that I've been reading it - lots of good quotes there!

- I've really missed writing here. My heart is rather heavy right now. I'm making some big changes, and (in the right mood) I can paint a fairly dismal picture of my life. I just need time. And prayers. Soon, I will write about joy.

Eucharist Question

Today in religion class we were talking about receiving Jesus in the Eucharist. After some curiosity about how it all tastes, one student asked, "Is it a dry wine?" Gotta love 2nd graders!

Not Now

There is a blog post coming. I just know there is.

But it isn't here. Yet. Not now.

I kind of hate not updating here. I'm approaching a point where I think I'll be able to begin to express some of the work God has been/is doing.

It will come.

Just not now...

So sorry!

Sts. Joachim and Anne

This past weekend I volunteered at the Steubenville St. Louis Mid-America conference. I attended the conference the previous weekend with teens from the youth group.


Saturday was the Feast of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel. In talking with others who attended the conference, Mary's presence seemed almost tangible. There were moments when it seemed like I couldn't get the Hail Marys out quickly enough. Her intercession was felt in many ways.

Today we are a novena away from the Feast of Sts. Joachim and Anne. Mary's parents. While what we know about Joachim and Anne comes to us from small "t" tradition and legend, many Catholics have a strong devotion.

This article does a good job summing up the truth of the matter. I also spent some time reading about both Saints on newadvent.org.

I'm excited to start a time of prayer asking for the intercession of these saints. I've never been devoted to them before, but there has always been a hint of vague curiosity within me regarding the parents of the Blessed Virgin. There has always been a sweetness that comes with the sound of their names. So this year, I plan to embrace their intercession on my behalf.

I recommend that you visit Elizabeth's blog for a story or two of personal devotion. She includes a downloadable file of St. Anne prayers. I'm planning on using the "Prayer to Obtain Some Special Favor" as a novena-type prayer until the feast day.

Please consider whether this devotion will be an asset to your personal prayers over the next 9 days.

These are the Times

I have not blogged in a very, very long time. I didn't blog at all in the month of June. I'm not sure I've ever skipped an entire month before; I'll have to check the archives.

It is hard to blog confusion. And my life has been largely dominated by confusion.

Here are some things I've learned:

1.) Sometimes even the best commitments to prayer don't bring forth clear answers. These are the times when we have to learn to trust God more. These are the times when we have to learn to accept that grace is a constant that is working even when it is mostly undetectable to us.

2.) Sometimes God asks us to do things (or keep doing things) that in many ways we'd rather not do. These are the times when we have to seriously ask ourselves whether this life is about us or Him. These are the times when we have to hold on and give more - even when our hearts (and minds and emotions) have had enough.

3.) Sometimes God doesn't give us relief from our suffering. These are the times when we have to find a way to accept and understand that His ways are perfect. Faultless. And no matter how obvious it may be to us that something else would be simpler - would be better, these are the times when we cannot listen to that lie. His ways are best.

4.) Sometimes our heads hurt to the point of explosion trying to makes sense of things. Sometimes our hearts break, crumble to tiny pieces, and fall trying to figure out how best to love. These are the times when we have to realize that God loves us. His love is enough. His love is constant. His love great. His love is powerful. These are the times when -despite all the struggle, fear, pain, desire for more ... despite the endless journey - we have to know, in the depths of our hearts, with all of who we are, that God's love is so. much. bigger.

Lessons in trust and patience do not come easily. However, these are the times when we must pray for the virtue of hope. We have to hope that joy and peace are coming.

In God's time.

The Hard Parts

I once saw (okay, I think I actually trice saw...but that isn't important) a Rob Bell video called "Shells." I only have vague memories of how it specifically went, but I remember the jist (okay, a friend reminded me of the jist earlier today...but that isn't important either). It went something like this...

A boy is walking along the beach collecting shells. He is happy and enjoys what he has found, but they are nothing magnificent. None of the shells are big and many are merely broken fragments. Suddenly, he sees it. A full and beautiful shell floating out in the ocean. His father encourages him to go get it. He tries to get out to it, but keeps stopping short and returning to the shore. With more encouragement, he makes it out to the shell, but he doesn't grab it. He comes back to the shore and his father who asks what happened. The boy explained that he couldn't get the full and beautiful shell. The father asked why, and the boy responded, "My hands are full of shells."

How often is this us? We cling so tightly to the things around us that we can't grasp the better things God has for us. We are unwilling to let go of the comfort of the life we've created and grown accustomed to.

I've realized in the past few days I don't really and truly surrender. When I trust and hope in a future that God has planned for me, I always focus on some possible way that it will work out. I surrender to a possibility - one that might make me slightly uncomfortable, but with which I am ultimately okay.

I don't surrender to an unknown. I don't surrender to a future full of hope and happiness that I cannot imagine for myself. I surrender only insofar as I can understand.

That isn't real surrender.

Real surrender embraces the darkness.  Real surrender trusts the God whose plans I cannot see and desires those plans in my life. No. Matter. What.

That's the hard part: joyful surrender to what appears to be a dark abyss, while trusting and hoping and delighting in God's promise.

After all, if my hands are full of my own comforting visions, how will ever grasp what is actually better?

Daybook: Quite an Interesting Day

FOR TODAY
(May 16, 2011)

Outside my window... After a week of very warm weather (notice I refrained from calling it "hot.") the past few days have been quite chilly. I'm laying in bed, but it is not fully dark yet. I'm hoping for a restful night's sleep.

I am thinking... that the movement of time is a blessing in that it is constant. If it slowed down for all of the things I wanted it to I'd probably never learn to be grateful for time well spend. If it sped up through everything I wanted it to, I'd probably never learn to understand - even when it's hard to understand.

I am thankful for... a wonderful friend who is home for LONGER THAN JUST THE SUMMER!!!

I am wearing... PJs! I'm already in bed, remember?

I am creating... a brand new place for God in my heart.

I am going... to trust when it's hard, love when I don't want to, and fully surrender no matter what...for the rest of my life. Really.

I am reading... I'm not actually reading anything. Although I have still been somewhat consistently praying through In Conversation with God. (which I highly recommend)

I am hoping... that I love God more tomorrow than I do today.

I am hearing... the fan blowing and my fingers typing
 
Around the classroom... less than 2 weeks left. Wow.

One of my favorite things... moving water.

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The 4th Joyful Mystery: The Presentation

I have said many times (and still claim it as true) that the 2nd Joyful Mystery - The Visitation - is my favorite of all the Rosary's mysteries. However, today it was the 4th that brought the most fruitful meditation.

There is a lot going on this mystery. There are many characters: Joseph, Mary, the infant Jesus, Simeon, and Anna.

Simeon has been waiting to meet the Messiah. He has been told that he will not die without meeting the Messiah. He bears with him the weight of that gift: constant searching, patient waiting, deep trust. As he and Anna are blessed to meet the Son of their Lord, Simeon's words call to attention the suffering that Mary will endure.

There is a lot of weight in this moment.

What Mary and Joseph have to present is the Christ Child. Jesus Himself: recently born of Mary. He is God, and He is a real and tangible symbol of what Mary and Joseph have chosen to make of their lives. He is (among many things) the fruit of their surrender.

There is a lot of weight in what they present.

What they are presenting is worthy of the moment. What they brought to God in the temple that day was something worth a joyful presentation. It was a great and powerful fulfillment of Simeon's long waiting. It was something so clearly right and good that it could withstand the sorrow of Simeon's words to Mary - that her own heart would be pierced.

This is what we need in our lives. Something worthy to present to God. Notice how the surrender of Mary and Joseph led to the gift of a worthy presentation.

When we surrender our lives, when we work to let God build our offering to Him with His own hands, that's when we can present to Him joyfully. That's when we become the instruments through which He fills the longing of man. That's when we are able to withstand the sorrowful message the world often brings.

Lord Jesus, create in me a worthy presentation for You.

A New Perspective

I just got home from a Reconciliation service. The priest began his homily by talking about the memory loss caused by Alzheimer and Dementia. He described the way that many who suffer from those diseases have forgotten who they are. They may not remember their family, what they like to do, or how to do things like receive Communion at Mass. They need people in their lives who can remind them of what they've forgotten - what they cannot remember on their own.

They've forgotten who they are.

Often times in our own lives we too forget who we are. Think for a moment about who we are. We are God's children. We are the objects of a great and perfect Love.

When we walk in the opposite direction of God - when we sin- we've forgotten who we are.

The Sacrament of Reconciliation is not only about God calling us back to Him and forgiving us. It's about God reminding us of who we are.

We are an Easter people. We are a people of the resurrection. Even when we sin, we are still a people meant to be alive in the glory of the risen Christ. How often we forget who we are.

When I don't do something because I'm too afraid, when I'm so caught up in what's going on in my life, when I'm distracted by so many loud things around me, I forget who I am.

God wants to remind us of who we are. He wants us to remember that we are good and holy and that the reality of who we are lies in His great love for us, not in our sins and failures.

What a quick and powerful prayer it is to ask God to "remind me of who I am."

The Solemnity of the Annunciation: Holy Land Style

Today the Church celebrates the solemnity of the Annunciation, which commemorates the angel Gabriel announcing to the Virgin Mary that she would conceive and bring forth the Savior of the World. We remember and allow ourselves to be inspired by Mary's fiat - her joyful surrender to God's will.

Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. Let it be done unto me according to thy word.

As those words echo in our hearts today, please enjoy some pictures from my pilgrimage to the Holy Land.

This is a picture of Mary's Well in Nazareth. This well was built over what is believed to be the site of the well from which Mary would have drawn water for her family in Nazareth. This is also the location where (in the Greek Orthodox tradition - not Roman Catholicism) Gabriel appeared to Mary.

This is the main entrance to the Catholic Church of the Annunciation. It is built over the actual home of Joachim and Anne. 

This is the grotto inside the home where the angel Gabriel appeared to Mary (upon which the church from the previous picture was built).

Our group was able to celebrate mass right in front of the site of the Annunciation. In many traditional stories, the presence of Mary is often associated with the otherwise unexplained scent of roses. One of my favorite moments on this trip was during this mass when I could smell the sweetness of roses. That sign of Mary's presence along with our proximity to the location of the holy event that occurred thousands of years ago is a memory that stills brings me joy and peace.

As we take a break from our Lenten fasting today, may the disposition of our hearts and our own surrender to the will of our Father be united to Mary and offered to God through her generous and effective intercession.

Mary, Mother of God, pray for us.

I May be on Spring Break...

...but I sure do miss the funny moments of teaching. So, in honor of my students (and with a prayer that their breaks are going very well) here are some of my favorites from the last week we were in school.

We had been discussing St. Patrick and the age he was when he died. (He lived a decently long life.) Somehow, it was mentioned that Jesus was 33 when He died...

Student: Wait! What? Jesus was 33 when He died?
Me: Yes.
Student: But why was He so young? How did He die?
Me: (looking at the student but not saying anything)
Student: (with comprehension slowly crossing his face) Oh. Right. They crucified Him.

Student: Miss Hunter, if we leave our thermometer upside down for a long time, will all of that red stuff slide down to the other end?
Me: No, that isn't the way it works. It only moves when the temperature changes.
Another Student: It isn't called "red stuff." It's called Mars.
Me: ...actually, it's Mercury.

Me: (proofreading a student's paragraph) Christopher, Christopher, Christopher, Christopher. You have 5 sentences in the paragraph, and four of them start with "Christopher." Can you think of a pronoun we could use instead of saying "Christopher" so many times?
Student: (pausing for a moment to think) Chris!

I Want to Embrace Gratitude

Waking up for daily morning mass is really, really hard for me. I rarely find the motivation. However, this morning (even after being up until 2 a.m.) was no problem. Would you like to know why?

This morning I wanted to tell Jesus "thank You" more than I wanted to sleep.

I'm serious. That's what got me out of bed.

Gratitude is a powerful thing. I remember once going through a phase where I was struggling to examine my conscience. I wasn't frequenting the Sacrament of Confession because of it. Finally one day I went down to the Chapel and started making a list of all the things for which I was grateful. After developing a decently long list, I immediately began writing all of the things for which I was sorry. After acknowledging the gifts in gratitude, my offenses against the God who had granted those gifts - my sins - became much more obvious.

I need to be grateful. I need to be aware of that gratitude. When I am, it changes me inside. It motivates me to choose God more.

In an effort to continue the gratitude, here is a list of some things for which I am currently very grateful:

1.) Time off from teaching to relax.
2.) God's mercy and forgiveness as it comes to me through the Sacraments and through the people in my life.
3.) The ability to Sacrifice willingly.
4.) The direction God is taking me.
5.) A good job.
6.) Fantastic co-workers.
7.) A "cheap show" movie theater.
8.) Friends who will join me at extremely last minute notice.
9.) Consistent and predictable phone conversations.
10.) Having a car of my own.
11.) Moments that cause me to pause and think, "wow. I might actually be an adult now."

Maybe you feel inclined to make your own gratitude lists too.

If you would like to leave a list in the comments of this post, I would LOVE to read them. If you would rather make a list as part of your private prayer I hope that time is blessed!

To Know the Father's Will

Sometimes the waters of discernment really are muddy.

Sometimes even with dedicated prayer, the intercession of the multitudes, and an honest heart God's will is simply hard to see. Not because God hides it from us, but because we only grow in our ability to discern when we are forced to work harder for the answer.

I have a friend who has noticed that when God wants him to think or pray about something, He makes it very obvious. God manages to bring up references to the topic EVERYWHERE - a bumper sticker on a car that passes by, the only words heard in a conversation that is passed.  That is not how God speaks to me.

I've lost count of the number of times that I've prayed the St. Therese novena. I've not seen a rose. People all around me have been blessed through the roses that come with that prayer. Not me. Oh I've always gained a lot of spiritual graces while praying the novena (which is what it's all about, right? ;-), but I've never seen the visible sign. That is not how God speaks to me.

To be honest, when I hear God, I hear Him fairly directly. I get a specific message. I receive that message in the stillness and quiet of my heart. (So, naturally, when I don't want to hear an answer I'm quite certain is coming, I avoid the still quiet.) I've spoken with friends who have marveled at this. They long to have God speak to them like that. Typical of human nature is the irony that I long for the signs. Hearing God the way I do comes with some problems. It is often hard for me to trust that something is His voice and not Satan's or my own.

My point is that while we all struggle through the sometimes complicated waters of discernment, we are all swimming in a sea of real and powerful graces.  When I can trust in that I can find some kind of peace. But it isn't easy. I have to set aside A LOT of my own selfishness and fears. I have to really truly believe and live the reality that His grace is sufficient, His mercy overcomes, and His love for me is so great and powerful and perfect that He'll carry me through to an even greater life with Him.

If only I trust - even when things really aren't clear.

He is there.

And is grace IS enough.

Birth Control Commercials

Have you ever noticed how Birth Control Commercials are drenched in selfishness?

I'm literally sad when I watch them.

You know, I can conceive of a woman who uses birth control without understanding the extent of her choice. I do not automatically accuse that woman of selfishness. However, those commercials express and present birth control in a very selfish light.

The way that the commercials present children as desirable only when convenient is a selfish presentation. There are several commercials that go from "I don't want a kid a right now" to "Maybe I don't want to wait" and back to "On second thought, not now." All the while, showing scenes of child doing something well-behaved and cute alternated (in pace with the changing thoughts) with scenes of them causing some kind of mischief.

It's all about how the woman feels in the moment; it is not at all about the value of new human life. It places great weight on the importance of a woman's fleeting desires.

The child is presented as wanted and worthwhile only under certain circumstances. This is a far cry from the unconditional love a child deserves.

Perhaps you think that I'm over reacting.

Here's the thing though. The decision to have children should not be made based on convenience. Having a baby is not convenient. Raising a child is not convenient. Nurturing a family is not convenient. In fact, these are beautifully complicated and chaotic things. At times they are decidedly inconvenient.

But the thing about babies and children is that the gift that they are is to be celebrated even when they flushed your new watch down the toilet again right after they poured syrup all over the living room carpet. They are a blessing that perfect those around them. They teach to us to love by demanding that we hold on to less and less of our own selfishness as we learn to give more and more of the love we receive.

This is not something that women with the birth control commercial mentality understand. In fact, I'm sure that there are moments when the holiest mothers in the world struggle to hold on to that vision. The difference is that some women choose it anyway.

Those are the joyful women. Those are the women I strive to be most like.

Alive and Well

This blog has been quiet. Strangely quiet. I quickly made a daybook post last week, but I had an obvious typo in the TITLE that I didn't even notice until today.

I'm alive. And well. I'm praying and thinking and growing. God is teaching me things, showing me things, and asking me to give Him things. It's all happening, and I'm living it. I just haven't found ways to express it here. I'll give you some brief updates, but nothing too spectacular today...

1.) I've been distant with myself. There is a lot going on, but it feels like it is going on in a way that is so compartmentalized that my emotions are not in touch with my thoughts, which are not in touch with my feelings, which are not in touch with my prayers, none of which seem to be very in touch with my actions. I'm not feeling torn - just disconnected.

2.) It has been difficult to have a well-considered prayer life. I'm going to Jesus. I'm talking to Him. I'm pausing to listen. However, there is .... something ...that isn't quite there. Yesterday, (in an admittedly angry/frustrated fashion) I expressed to God my discontent with this situation. I'm somewhat certain that right now, He wants to teach me to love and trust Him more, wants to change my heart more for His will, by calling me to change the way I interact with the people around me.  I think His lesson to me now is that as I allow myself to be open to them more, to trust them more, my relationship with Him will be transformed also.

3.) I'm the kind of person who could to talk to you all day without saying anything of real substance. You could probably spend several days in a row with me without ever learning much about who I am. I tend to be guarded. It takes me a long time to open up. I can perfectly construct an answer (to just about any question) that will give you absolutely no indication of what I actually think. Some days, I could give politicians a run for their money when it comes to cryptic responses.  In many cases, this needs to change. Granted, in many friendships it has. I have close friends who know me well. However, there is this new thing happening in my life, and it demands that I overcome my tendency to avoidance.

4.) There is a place I know will lead me to God. I can walk into that place and breathe Him in. It is that breath that keeps me going. Even when things don't quite make sense, when I feel disconnected from myself, when I want to run, to scream, to abandon this path, I can walk into the place and breathe: holy breath in the presence of God. The Holy Spirit. Life itself.

I'm going to try to breathe more deeply.

Daybook: My First Full Week of School in a Long Time

FOR TODAY
(February 13, 2011)

Outside my window... We had a beautifully warm day today! I didn't wear a coat (or hat, or scarf, or gloves). I even took a nice walk outside. I'm told the 5 day forecast looks nice, but also that I should avoid looking at the 10 day forecast. So, I will.

I am thinking... about what a blessing it is to have so many people to pray for. When it is tempting to allow my prayer time to be consumed by one thing, I never have an excuse to let it happen.

I am thankful for... amazing teenagers who really do want the best out of life.

I am wearing... PJs! It's almost bed time...

I am creating... new commitments.

I am going... to make sure that I am giving. This morning (with a particular situation in mind) I asked myself, "I have really given anything to this?" The answer could, quite honestly, be no. So, I am going to make certain that I give.

I am reading... nothing much. Though I did just move my ribbon to the correct week for In Conversation with God.

I am hoping... that I'm listening to God.

I am hearing... the fan blowing. It's almost bed time, remember?
 
Around the classroom... I can be a better teacher. That is just a fact. Now, it is time to start focusing on that fact and living it.

One of my favorite things... smiles. :-)

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I Didn't Let Him Sit

I've been avoiding something in my prayer life.

Want to know how I found this out?

I noticed that when I imagined Jesus in prayers and tried to encounter Him in the Gospel stories, I didn't let Him sit down. My mental picture kept Him walking. If He stopped to act in a story, I switched my perspective to that of a more distant character.

Sure sounds like avoidance, doesn't it?

The most shameful part of this is that I've been complaining in my prayers that God has been keeping things from me, hiding His wisdom and love.

It seems that all I had to do was let Him have a seat.

Daybook: When a Snow Storm is Coming

FOR TODAY
(January 31, 2011)

Outside my window... there is ice. Apparently. School was dismissed at 1:15 today because of weather conditions. There is supposed to be more ice throughout the night, with snow on top of that ALL DAY tomorrow. I'm predicting 2 snow days, would be fine with 1, and am hoping for none.
 
I am thinking... that I have a lot to learn. And there are so many ways I need to grow. I'm fairly certain that there are enumerable lessons in trust coming my way.

I am thankful for... the patient, loving, compassionate, and holy people I am so very blessed to call my friends.

I am wearing... PJ's all the way! Woot!

I am creating... what I'm sure will one day be comical memories. One day. Not today. Although tomorrow does look kind of promising.

I am going... to praise God in my prayers. Really, honestly, and genuinely praise Him. Because He is oh so good and so worthy.

I am reading... lately, my own blog posts. It's been kind of weird.

I am hoping... that someday being honest with people doesn't make me feel quite so physically ill.

I am hearing... the sounds of friends voices -phone call after phone call today. It's been really great.
 
Around the classroom...Catholic Schools' Week, friends. Catholic Schools' Week. Although the excitement may be thwarted by this weather that has been predicted.

One of my favorite things... the moment right after vulnerable conversation. Not the moments before. Not the moments in the midst of them. The moment after. When they are over. And God's grace and peace are able to overcome my fears.

Visit Peggy for more daybook entries! 

The Dangers of Moral Relativism: 2nd Grade Style

Me: Many years ago, our government made a law that says that babies inside their mom's bellies are not human. Many people in our country believe that you are not really a person until after you are born. This means that many people do not love babies inside their moms as much as they should.  But God has taught us through the Church that the moment a baby starts being inside its mother, that baby is a human life that is loved by God and should be loved by us.

Student: Why is it so bad that some people don't believe it?

Me: It's bad because it isn't the truth.

Student: But why can't a person just believe whatever he wants to? Nobody else has to believe it, just him.

Me: It's a problem because it teaches other people that it's okay to believe what is wrong. It's never just about one person believing something. Plus, it's the government's responsibility to take care of everyone in the country.  When they teach people that it's okay to believe things that aren't true, they aren't doing a very good job of taking care of people, are they?

Student: No. They aren't. I wish that governor would listen to all those people telling him he is wrong.

*** Just to clarify, we were not talking about one SPECIFIC governor. My students are second graders, fine distinctions are still difficult.***

Daybook: A Few Days Before the Pro-Life Trip to D.C.

FOR TODAY
(January 18, 2011)

Outside my window... Today started out warmer than I had anticipated; it has since gotten colder again. There is a lot of snow in the forecast for the next couple of days. Normally, I've been excited by the possibility of a snow day. However, now that there is only 1 more built into the schedule, the excitement is waning. Time will tell what will happen...time will tell.
 
I am thinking... that for all the times God has to wait on me, I shouldn't be quite so antsy and annoying when He asks me to wait on Him.

I am thankful for... the blessing of living in a world where dreams can (and do!) come true. Also, I'm thankful that, of all the burdens my faith brings, I am able to practice it openly and outwardly without fear of death. Though there are many ways that God is shunned from our society, His people are free to love Him and live their lives in accord with His Divine Will.  That is blessing that generations before us did not have. And I am grateful.

I am wearing... Kakki (sp?) pants, green shirt with brown sweater on top, and brown dress socks.

I am creating... perfectly formed, to the point, ill-intentioned thoughts that will (God willing) never become words actually spoken. But I'm sure thinking them. ...like I said, I need to wait better...

I am going... to watch NCIS tonight! Also, I leave Friday evening for the March for Life!

I am reading... In Conversation with God -some days. I've begun Come Meet Jesus-sort of. To Know Christ Jesus is closest to my bed and often picked up at night. My old journals - each entry brings back memories, lots and lots of memories.

I am hoping... that resolution comes swiftly in God's time in a way that makes me feel better grow in holiness. ;-)

I am hearing... my computer. It sounds like it is working hard for some reason.
 
Around the classroom...The SmartBoard is up but not running. We are beginning our class mission this week ("Read to Feed"). I'm busy making sub plans for those days that I'll be in D.C.

One of my favorite things... being able to fall asleep. Too many late nights texting lately...

Visit Peggy for more daybook entries! 

A Prayer

Sometimes it seems I'm waiting on You. Other times I know You're waiting on me. My heart longs to understand, but I know Your timing means everything. When I'm surrounded by Your Spirit Lord, the vastness of Your will embraces me. And in that moment, I am free. I'm free to wait; I'm free to act; I'm free to love; I'm free to trust. I'm free to be.

This One Made Me Laugh...

Again with the old journal entries...

The apostles were waiting for Jesus. It wasn't that they were doing anything wrong; it's just that they weren't doing anything. They locked themselves in a room. Then Jesus came and gave them the Holy Spirit. He gives me the Holy Spirit now so that when I feel like all I'm doing is waiting for Jesus, I don't have to lock myself in a room.

I can honestly say I have no idea what that means. But I like it and (as the title of this post indicates) it makes me laugh.

My Life on Repeat

I don't know when I wrote the following (there was no date). I found it while reading through old journals from college. It is uncanny how very similar this entry is to the words I prayed in adoration today.

A piece of my then and my now...

Lord Jesus, sometimes I think I know what Your Spirit is prompting me to do. Other times I am sure that I don't have a clue. I sit before You now at neither extreme. I'm unsure of Your plan for me, but I do not feel completely lost. I know what I want, but I'm afraid to ask for it. I'm afraid that You might give it to me and that I will somehow loose sight of You in the process.

It reminds me of my favorite St. Faustina quote...

"Let all my desires, even the holiest, noblest, and most beautiful, take always the last place, and Your holy will, the very first."

It's Official...

...from a prepping stand-point, my Christmas Break is over.

Before Christmas, I had my students create their own fill-in-the-blank mini-books. Here is page 4 of a sweet little girl's book. (The underlined portion is what she wrote. Not underlined = the provided prompt.)


This holiday is important because it is Jesus' birthday for crying out loud!

Good to know she gets it. I hope she always remembers it.