Saturday, February 19, 2011

Alive and Well

This blog has been quiet. Strangely quiet. I quickly made a daybook post last week, but I had an obvious typo in the TITLE that I didn't even notice until today.

I'm alive. And well. I'm praying and thinking and growing. God is teaching me things, showing me things, and asking me to give Him things. It's all happening, and I'm living it. I just haven't found ways to express it here. I'll give you some brief updates, but nothing too spectacular today...

1.) I've been distant with myself. There is a lot going on, but it feels like it is going on in a way that is so compartmentalized that my emotions are not in touch with my thoughts, which are not in touch with my feelings, which are not in touch with my prayers, none of which seem to be very in touch with my actions. I'm not feeling torn - just disconnected.

2.) It has been difficult to have a well-considered prayer life. I'm going to Jesus. I'm talking to Him. I'm pausing to listen. However, there is .... something ...that isn't quite there. Yesterday, (in an admittedly angry/frustrated fashion) I expressed to God my discontent with this situation. I'm somewhat certain that right now, He wants to teach me to love and trust Him more, wants to change my heart more for His will, by calling me to change the way I interact with the people around me.  I think His lesson to me now is that as I allow myself to be open to them more, to trust them more, my relationship with Him will be transformed also.

3.) I'm the kind of person who could to talk to you all day without saying anything of real substance. You could probably spend several days in a row with me without ever learning much about who I am. I tend to be guarded. It takes me a long time to open up. I can perfectly construct an answer (to just about any question) that will give you absolutely no indication of what I actually think. Some days, I could give politicians a run for their money when it comes to cryptic responses.  In many cases, this needs to change. Granted, in many friendships it has. I have close friends who know me well. However, there is this new thing happening in my life, and it demands that I overcome my tendency to avoidance.

4.) There is a place I know will lead me to God. I can walk into that place and breathe Him in. It is that breath that keeps me going. Even when things don't quite make sense, when I feel disconnected from myself, when I want to run, to scream, to abandon this path, I can walk into the place and breathe: holy breath in the presence of God. The Holy Spirit. Life itself.

I'm going to try to breathe more deeply.

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