The past few days I have felt called to take an honest look at my life. I'm not sure where I was standing nor what I was thinking when I first experienced this prompting, but it did not go away. So, I pursued the matter. What I discovered as a result was not something good, certainly not something of which I am proud.
My reflections drew me to genuine realization that God is not all that He should be in my life. I took a look at my quietest moments. I examined the moments when I am really alone, when the world around me stops, when I'm not on the computer or reading or listening to music or planning my classroom. The moments when I'm truly still and quiet. What I discovered was that in those moments, I am not present to God. He is neither the object of my affections nor the topic of my thoughts.
In the depths of who I know myself to be, I have shut out God. When I am sad, when I am lonely, when I am tired, when I can sense with undeniable conviction that all is not right, He is not the one I cling to.
Instead I let my imagination run free. I dream of a life that is so very different from the one I'm currently living. I delight in the fantasy of self-scripted friendships, imaginary virtues, and utterly fake sources of happiness
In my quietest moments, I run to a world that cannot possibly draw me to God because it is a world that is in no way real.
In my not-so-quiet moments I claim to love God in a way that I don't. I reassure myself with the quick murmur of timeless and beautiful prayers, which my lips pray without my heart. I tell myself that my relationship with God has enough history to make up for this time - that in the overall summary of my journey the good is winning.
God doesn't want my overall summary. He wants all of me, in every moment, to choose Him.
So then, changes must be made. I must fast. I must pray. I must reduce and control within myself those distractions that I allow to numb me to the Truth. God wants more.
The well-being of my soul demands that He have it now.
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