I think it is fair to say that I'm having a minor, internal freak-out.
I've come to recognize that many times when I just seem annoyed, angry, or generally uncomfortable in my own self, there is usually something fairly big going on inside of me that interferes with my ability to control and interpret my emotions.
As I lay in bed last night, I was agitated. This same thing had occurred for several preceding nights. I kept thinking about how wonderful it would be to go fishing, to be out on the river, in a boat, where my worries and thoughts seem to float peacefully along with the boat, where the gentle rocking back and forth seems to soothe the tension from my soul.
It was at this point that I noticed the recurring symptoms, the familiar inability to find internal peace. Then it hit me. I'm not going back to Benedictine. I start teaching, actually teaching, very soon. I have to buy a car. I have to start "the rest of my life." Now. Today. Yesterday. Even the days before that. All of those things I've always dreamed, hoped, and to which I have sensed a calling are bearing down on me suddenly. Well, not really "suddenly." It has been 23 years in the making. However, I am feeling it suddenly.
So I will continue into the days, weeks, and months ahead with this understanding in mind. The understanding that I am afraid and I need not be. How do I know? For the Bible tells me so. ;-)
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