How Easily I Forget

I allowed myself to get lost in blog world this morning. I let a blog I check daily lead me to a blog I've never read, which lead me to another blog I'd never read, where I saw a comment by a blog I had only read once before...as I said, lost in blog world.  While there I was reminded of something so easily forgotten.  I was reminded that genuine openness and honesty in sharing truly inspire.

This blog has been relatively quiet. I've been busy, my students have "Santa-Brain" (today's snow probably won't help that situation tomorrow), and the St. Andrew novena has me reflecting on this liturgical season with a frequency that seems constant. However, I love writing. I love articulating what is going on inside of me. And without ever ignoring humility or failing to give all glory to God, I believe that by sharing here others may be inspired.

Thus I write today.

Givenness. I'm told by my computer that it is not a word. Fine. I'm using it anyway. God calls me to be fully given. Fully given to Him, to my family, to my students, to those around me.

Givenness. He calls me to it.

Given. I am not.

I am not fully given to my family because most encounters with them are a rushed change of clothes, a quick grabbing of food, and a run out the door to the next thing on my schedule. I am called to slow down, to give.

I am not fully given to my students because I am afraid of losing the rest of myself in loving them. I worry that if I give fully, I'll become consumed and miss other opportunities. They are so undeserving of such mistreatment on my part. I am called to give.

I am not fully given to my friends because (1) I don't see them much in social situations, (2) some of them live in different states and communication is hard, and (3) I am afraid of the cost of love. I dread the consequences (which though hard, will only make friendships stronger, holier, and more reflective of God's love for us) of total honesty and accountability.

I am not fully given to God. Though I discern in prayer and He grants many graces, I do not fully know His plan for me. While I trust that it is good, I do not fully surrender. Abandoning myself completely to His holy, divine will is scary because odds are my own vision is not His, and His will be harder (and much, much better - but that does not provide me with the immediate comfort it should). Fully giving myself to Him is the only way for me to be happy. But can I say yes to the suffering that is the cost of such love? Perhaps a better question is WILL I say yes to the suffering that is the cost of such love?

Givennes. To be fully given.

That is my prayer.