Corpus Christi Confusion

I know this is a week late, but I left for Project Life last week without making time to blog about this. Last Sunday as I was sitting at mass reflecting on Christ's sacrifice, I began to feel repulsion at the whole idea. I was mentally comparing Christ's sacrifice with the animal sacrifices of the Old Testament. In those sacrifices, the priest would hold on to the head of the animal in a ritual that was supposed to transfer his sins to the animal. Thus, when the animal was sacrificed, payment for those sins was made. In the same way, Christ takes our sins upon Himself, and He is slaughtered in the same bloody mess as the animals of the Old Testament. It was at this point that my reflection became a bit too much for my comfort level. The vast humiliation that Christ's suffering includes is not something I would want for anyone, much less the Love of My Life, my Savior and King. I didn't want the cross. I didn't want the Eucharist. I knew that without those things there could be no salvation, but how could I let Christ suffer in my place? How could I let the cross be my fault? Last Sunday, I learned something new about love. My capacity to be loved by God increased, because I gained a greater understanding of just how minuscule my understanding of love is. For reasons far beyond what I can comprehend, God sent His Son to freely choose to die for me. Through the paradox of the cross, the glory in the humiliation, somehow salvation is offered to me, and I become the recipient of a Love that is more glorious and true than any other love. It is truly amazing.

They aren't mine.

And this isn't about me. The children that I hope for, dream about, and beg God for, they aren't mine. They aren't about my plan. They are God's creation. He creates them with a specific purpose in mind. I have no rights to them. They come with no guaranteed time frame. And they aren't about me; they're about salvation: mine and theirs and everyone else's God's Divine Plan wills. "These children (are) made in His image, co-created in our love, born in my pain, all living here in our home." -Suzanne, Mother of 6 While they may be beautiful additions to my family, they are primarily beautiful additions to God's.

Gone Fishing...

...week long service retreat, here I come!

I Love....

....being a girl. It's true. I've complained from time to time about the whole "that time of the month thing," and I've whined a bit about how sometimes guys seem to have it easier as far as meeting social standards is concerned, but all in all, I love being a girl, and I wouldn't want it any other way. There is some that is captivatingly beautiful about God's intention for femininity. Although I'm quite sure that I have only barely begun to understand His breath-taking vision, I feel truly blessed to be able to embrace what I do understand. It's true that it is not always easy. For one thing, hormones and emotions can cause rather large disturbances in deliberately rational action. However, the gentle and feminine actions that are the result of a battle with said emotions is worth the fight. There really is something special about the feminine heart. While I am passionately opposed to the selfish pursuit of codling the feminine heart for the sake of making oneself "feel better," I do think that the way God has designed our hearts teaches us a lot about that beautiful vision of His. Somewhere, there is a balance between nurturing femininity and denying self...I believe that in that balance (in the midst of properly ordered emotions) lies God's sacred call of femininity to every woman.

New Look

I changed my blog template...as if you didn't notice. I think I may have had this one a long time ago, but I'm not certain. I haven't fully decided whether or not I like it, which means that it might change. I was hoping to find a more comfortable look, but I couldn't. It is what it is. For now anyway.

A Not So Good Day

"Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age." -Matthew 28: 19-20 The Great Commission. That was the Gospel reading yesterday. When I first read it, I thought this is prefect for today. Yesterday was the Parish picnic. The youth minister had made little postcards advertising for a new young adults ministry that he is starting at the Parish. We each had a stack of cards to hand out to the twenty-somethings we saw at the picnic. The whole vision for the ministry involves creating a place in the life of the Parish for this age group. It's all about asking the tough questions in order to prompt discussion that will (by the grace of God and the wisdom of the Holy Spirit) lead to the Truth offered by the Church. The mission for the day: to create a personal connection with the twenty-somethings in order to invite them, personally, to the first "CONNECT" night. As I said, the gospel was perfect for the task. I'm pretty sure there was a part of me that knew I wouldn't be very good at handing out the cards. I'm not very good at approaching people (?) (I guess that isn't entirely true), and I'm easily intimidated. Still, it shouldn't have been that difficult. I went to grade school with these people. All I had to do was stop briefly when I walked by and ask them how their life was going. Then, I could tell them what we were doing at the Parish. I already had the "in". (Something we worked hard to come by when I was an RA) It didn't happen. Well, to be fair, it happened twice. Something about seeing those people paralyzed me in some way. It was strange. Countless times, upon seeing them, I turned the other way, tried to look like I was busy, or walked by without making eye contact, hoping they wouldn't notice me. Pathetic. But why? Why was that my response? Do I still feel that "unworthy" of the popular crowd? Was it the alcohol? Am I just uncomfortable around the drinking? That doesn't make much sense though, I too was holding a beer. What was it then? What was it that made the task so difficult for me? Here is the paradox. My life is pretty well put together. I love the Church. I'm convicted of Her Truths. I'm blessed with undeserved happiness. And for those things, I am deeply, eternally, grateful to my Lord, my Savior, my Father, and my King. I know, believe, and trust that the Holy Spirit walks with me. At all times. In all situations. Without fail. However, yesterday, I was not a woman of that strength. Yesterday, I was a woman of fear. Yesterday, I was more lost than the people I was supposed to be approaching, the people I was commissioned to approach, because I was denying, through my actions (and lack of) the very Truths I have been blessed to have revealed to me. There is this part of me that wants to run from it all. Part of me wants to beg my store manager to schedule me for every Monday night so that I can never go to CONNECT. Part of me wants to hide, wants to pretend like it's just not something God is calling me to. Don't worry though...I won't. Because that would be making the same mistake again. That would be ignoring the gospel (again), which clearly shows that I am called to it. And if I really am the woman I claimed to be two paragraphs ago, I have to learn from yesterday by doing better today. After all, God's grace is so much bigger.

Almost.

I keep coming so close to writing another blog. Really. I do. It just isn't happening. None of the things that I almost write about seem to be right. At this point, I've even logged and started typing in hopes that I'll jump on a topic. Perhaps now just isn't the time. Here are small peeks at some of the things I've been thinking recently.... 1.) My trip to Chicago was hard for me. It seemed like everywhere I looked there were lifeless people. When I paused to look at people, I mean really look at them, life just seemed so hopeless. It was odd for me. Hope is one my favorite virtues, and yet it seemed just out of grasp over my trip. It was strangely paralyzing. Life seemed so futile, so empty. Once again, it was hard for me to trust that God has a great and glorious plan for mankind and that plan involves, by necessity, our time here on earth. 2.) Accountability is hard for me. My battle used to always be with my willingness to speak up. Now, that has become less of an issue, and the new problem lies in the way I deliver the correction. I want to speak with loving kindness. I want to uplift. I want the person I am talking to to walk away filling empowered. So often it seems as though my words do not bear that fruit. Perhaps the person hears what I'm saying, but they hear it in a way (because I say it in a way) that leaves them feeling condemned. This can hardly be called accountability, and it is more accurately described as an exasperation of the problem itself. 3.) Surrender is tough. Not only because of the act itself, but also because of my doubts regarding the effectiveness of the act. I frequently question whether I mean my words. I doubt whether or not I'm actually surrendering. I wise priest once told me that surrender begins with desire. My prayer is that I learn to trust that God's grace makes up the rest of what is lacking in my offering.

Now and Eternity

A few weeks ago, I was praying about goodbyes. I had to say goodbye to some very amazing people who won't be returning to my college next year. A few days before the goodbye, God provided me with great wisdom about the situation. He taught me that our goodbyes are just as important as our hellos. The life we are living on earth is being lived so that we can one day get to Heaven. Every step of our journey is designed to lead to union with God. I love the people I had to say goodbye to. They have made a tremendous impact on my life, and I consider it a great blessing to have been able to be part of theirs. I know that our relationship will change. Sometimes we will talk, sometimes we will see each other, sometimes we will write, sometimes we will know what is going on in each other's lives, and sometimes we won't. And that is okay because in reality, now is not when I want to see them. When I really want to be with them is when we are forever worshiping our God in Heaven. This new path that they are taking is necessary to perfect them for Heaven. The path that I am still on is necessary for my own perfection. I'm more than willing to sacrifice every role in their lives (and theirs in mine) if it means that we will be closer to our ultimate end, closer to eternity. The goodbye was a very emotional one. I'm convinced that God gave me this insight a couple days in advance because He knew I would not be able to hear Him speaking to me through the emotions of the actual day. However, because of His providence, I was able to focus on this wisdom and not fall apart completely. (Note the completely) There were many tears, and then there was hope.

Jon and Kate Plus 8 (again)

I read an article last night (that I can't find this morning, so no link...sorry) about the season premiere of Jon and Kate Plus 8. The journalist quoted Jon saying something to the effect of "this isn't what I signed up for." (He was referring to the scandal involving his fidelity as well as all the paparazzi) The journalist went on to say that by agreeing to do the show, Jon did sign up for it. I could not disagree more. I think that it is unfortunate that the media (and society) think that we have the rights to every detail of celebrities lives. Somehow we think that since we pay them to entertain us, we own a right to their lives. This becomes exceptionally problematic when it is considered along with the fact that (1) human satisfaction is found only in God and (2) modern man is notorious of seeking that satisfaction in all the wrong places. One of those places is the media. Since man asks more from the media (satisfaction) than it can provide (because it is not God), man consequently asks more of celebrities than celebrities should ever have asked of them. Jon and Kate offered us the opportunity to come into their lives. However, that invitation should not detract from their right to decide which parts we can see. We shake our heads, or laugh, or find it exceptionally entertaining when the lives of celebrities are falling apart, but no one seems to want to admit the role we play in the destruction. I will say this, Jon and Kate should have seen this coming. This is what we do to celebrities all the time. We build them up and give them fame so that we can enjoy watching them fall. It is despicable, but it is no secret. This song by Bebo Norman, about Britney Spears, sums it up well. (The video has some inappropriate images, so don't watch, just listen...I couldn't find one that didn't)

Today...

Today I am grateful that my bed is so soft. Today I am hoping that I someday learn to stop using the snooze button. Today I am discerning nothing in particular...that's probably not a good thing. Today in my prayer life I will pray the Rosary.

Today my friendships will grow because I will be honest Today my mind will be fed by Peter Kreeft's book A Refutation of Moral Relativism (This is probably my favorite book by him.

Today I will celebrate the joy and happiness of little children! Today I will be a better daughter because I will offer my cleaning services. Today I will be a better student because I will practice the drums...maybe... Today I will live Catholicism by participating in the source and summit of our faith!!