She Wonders

Last night I wrote on the last page of a journal I have used sporadically since college. As I flip back through the pages, I smile, laugh, tear up, shake my head, and remember. I remember the girl I was - the girl who expressed so much of her heart on those pages.

That girl is now five years older than the days of the first entries. In many ways she has lived moments she could never have guessed at. And today, she wonders.

She wonders if that girl would have been delighted to know the now.

She wonders if the wisdom of those days long gone has been well used on the journey.

She wonders if five years from now these moments being lived will make more sense, be seen more clearly.

And in the midst of all that wonder, she tries to muster up the courage and strength to surrender. To gather up all of the unfinished story-lines, the unfulfilled hopes, the undetected graces and to place them all into the hands of the Father.

She sits, slowly breathing in and out, and reflects on the life lived. She feels the hurts, delights in the joys, and guesses at the future.

She knows with certainty that she is loved by the God who does not need to guess at the meaning and the purpose.

She asks herself the question found in many forms throughout the pages of the journal she closes and sets back on the shelf.

Will she trust God?  Does she love him as he asks her to?  Does she trust that his grace is sufficient?

Is this life being lived for him?

I Gain Nothing

"No," I said to no one in particular as I closed my Bible and set it on the floor.  ...Okay, maybe I was saying it to God...

"No," I said again, "I'm not interested in meditating on You loving and serving us."

Let me back up a minute.  Just before Lent started, I commited to a new method of praying with scripture. I made a list of the major "action" moments of Jesus' life from John's Gospel, and I've been working my way through the list.

Next up on the list: The Washing of the Disciples' Feet.

Now, back to the story...

I realized a couple of days ago that I'm really, totally, and completely kind of mad at God.  I feel like I've honestly given myself to Him.  I know I took a courageous leap of surrender by leaving my 2nd grade teaching job and coming to Springfield.  And even though I had no real expectations for what this journey would bring, I did expect that it would become something.

It doesn't seem like it has. I feel abandoned and forgotten.

This morning, I woke up to a text from a friend happily declaring that God is so good.  The text went on to describe the reasons why. I found myself thinking, "Of course. Because you aren't me, and God is willing to bring good things into your life."

Earlier this afternoon, I got a text from another friend asking for prayers.  My prayer was something along these lines: "God, please bring good things into _____'s life. Don't treat her the way You treat me. Let her be holy and HAPPY."

...did I mention that I'm kind of mad at God?

At one point, I even went so far as to let God know that I think He is taking advantage of the fact that He knows I won't walk away. This God thing - this faithful Catholic life thing- I'm all in.

Here's the truth of the matter though. We have to live the victory.

God does love me.  He does bring good things into my life. He doesn't do everything the way I would, but that is the biggest blessing He gives us.  Because He can see perfectly. His ways are best.

Does that suck sometimes?  Yes.  But only because we are human. 
Does it hurt like crazy sometimes? Yes.  But only because we are being made holy.
Does it look unreasonable and unfair sometimes? Yes.  But only because Satan is constantly clouding our vision.

Today, I'm standing at a crossroads.  I have a choice to make.  I can stand up, trust God to build the Kingdom with my suffering, and LIVE like I'm all in.  Or, I can continue about my life with my arms crossed in stubbornness, pretending like God owes me the life I envision for myself.

What do I want to do?  I want to be stubborn.  I want to wait and try to force God's hand.  I want to throw a mini-temper tantrum until He gives in.

But I gain nothing by holding on.

I gain nothing, but Satan wins.

I don't want to be someone who hands Satan a win.

So what am I going to do?

Well, first of all I'm going to pray that scripture I said no to this morning.  And I'm going to meditate on God made flesh kneeling before His Church -before me- and humbly and lovingly serving.

And I'm going to choose to trust that Jesus.  I will choose to trust that He is building.

Because I gain nothing by holding on.

Learning Lessons

My life doesn't always look the way I think it should. It doesn't always look the way I want it to.

January was a challenging month and a dramatic time to be inside my prayer life.  You see, God isn't giving me something that I thought He would give me.  And He isn't really telling me why He won't give it to me.

He doesn't have to.

But I really, really, really want Him to.

As I've journeyed through this time, I've asked Him a lot of questions.

I've fasted.

I've cried.

I've prayed novenas.

I've kicked and screamed at Heaven.

I've been to daily mass and to Reconciliation.

I've blamed Saints.

I've mediated on Scripture.

I've journaled and journaled and journaled.

I've tried praying through it; I've tried not thinking about it.

I've talked and talked about it.

I've read books. I've painted. I've rearranged furniture. I've made lesson plans. I've cleaned. I've graded papers. I've spent time listening to friends tell me about their lives.

No matter what I've done or intentionally not done, my soul has struggled and my heart has hurt.

I hate when people spill out their personal lives online. I also hate when bloggers are so vague that I'm left super curious about what is happening in their lives.  Here's to me finding a virtuous balance in this post...

There is a person in my life who has undoubtedly brought me closer to God. This person has been there for me in some hard moments and has made me laugh when I've least expected to laugh. The two of us have been through a lot together, and we've been in each others' lives through a lot of individual journeys.

Together, we've worked hard to serve God, argued about theological things, and tried to figure out God's will and how best we can love Him.

And over the years, throughout all of that, we've tried to find the place for each other in our lives.

It's been hard. It's looked like a lot of different things at a lot of different times.

January was all about me learning to accept, once again, that I still don't have it figured out.

What I've learned this time around though, is something that I hope I never forget. Because as so much of my life has been clouded by this confusion, one thing has become more clear, more real, and more present in my life.

God exists.  He is indescribably real and present.

Throughout this time, I've questioned a lot of things and run through countless scenarios. The only thing that has been constant is the reality of who God is.

Somehow, when I look at Him - really look at Him, all of the confusion and turmoil and frustration and absolute annoyance fade ... just enough for me to really know that God loves me.  And that the beauty and simplicity of who He is in my life, of who I am in His eyes, is more than enough to sustain me.

It doesn't take away all that I'm feeling inside.

It doesn't silence all the thoughts and possibilities running through my mind.

Do I like the way this situation looks now? ...Well...no... I don't.
Do I understand why it is the way it is?  Do I understand what God is doing? No. Not at all.

But my point is, maybe that's how it's supposed to be right now.  Maybe I'm not in this place to learn a lesson in discernment or in God's ways.

Maybe I'm just supposed to be learning lessons in God.  Maybe I'm just supposed to learn that He is enough.  Not because my life is a perfectly wrapped package.  Not because I've finally found the instruction manual.  Just because He is a constant light. A consistent love. A never-ending source of grace and goodness.

Even when my world is not what I want it to be, when it would be so easy and so natural to just fall away, He is exactly what I need: the Source that sustains me.

Journey

It's so easy to forget that this life is a journey - a journey with more meaning that we can't see than meaning that we can.

It's so easy to fall into comfortable. Safe. Familiar.

It's so easy to forget that God is constantly calling us to become more like Him.

Sometimes we need moments in our lives that are so unexpected, so unpredictable that they spin our world around and turn it upside down in the most perfect way - the way that shows us that God is working.  God is calling.

I came across a quote in my meditation recently: "We should not be surprised if, when we embrace obedience, we find the Cross."

As I've pondered that deeply in my heart, I've come to realize a temptation within myself to think that if I only manage to be obedient God will bring about the things that I want.  I find myself believing that nothing unexpected should come my way because I've been listening and obeying.

But, obedience often leads us to the Cross.  That's how it was for Jesus.

Here's the thing about the Cross. If we look at it through our own eyes, it looks like we've been defeated.  It looks like the end of what should have been a much longer, much better story.  But when we look at the Cross through the eyes of faith, we something so much more.  We see it as an unexpected beginning, a continuation of a story that has more meaning than we can see in any single given moment.

And that Cross?  It calls us to change.  It shakes us from our comfort, our safety, our familiar. It demands that we see love differently.  It demands that we see life differently.  It demands that we trust God's power and glory in the unexpected.

It's easy to forget that this life is a constant, meaningful, and ever-changing journey.  Easy to forget that is, until we arrive at the Cross.

Pausing to Express

FOR TODAY

(September 24, 2012)

Outside my window...The air is FINALLY at that consistently cool point. My windows are open, and the taste of Fall makes my heart smile.  I find comfort and peace in gentle breezes.

I am thinking... that I need to write more.  My life always seems more fully lived when I'm consistently expressing myself through writing.

I am thankful for... the gift of the journey.  I'm not always patient along the road that leads to healing, growth, or peace, but I'm so thankful that such a road exists. I'm also thankful that God lets us have other people journey alongside us.

I am wearing... my flowing brown skirt, a pink shirt, no shoes, and straightened hair (at the request of my students who have been dying to see what it looks like straightened).

I am creating... routine...or playing with it a least. I'm good with the weekends, but I'm still not thrilled my mornings.

I am going... to go to bed early tonight.  I'm tired, and those juniors I have to teach tomorrow are a lot of work.

I am reading... so much about Church History and the New Testament that it almost feels like college again. Almost.

I am hoping... that somewhere in the midst of this time there are many things in my life that are pleasing to God.

I am hearing... cars driving by on a busy street.

Around the classroom...so much talk about martyrs and persecution have left me in a bit of a blah mood.

One of my favorite things... sleeping in.

New

     I'm sitting in my new apartment, in my new desk chair, typing on my new laptop, which is sitting on my new desk.  Across from me is my new futon.  Next to me are the text books for the new classes I'm teaching at my new job. Tonight for dinner I ate a broccoli/beef/rice dish that I cooked in my new skillet, drank water from a new glass, and watched an episode of Covert Affairs on my new TV.

     Some things in my life are the same, but many things are new.

     As I was packing for this move, I spent some time looking through my old things.  I came across the book of quotes, memories, and good-byes that was given to my senior class when we graduated High School.  In there, one of my former religion teachers included a list of the "buzz word" phrases she drilled into our heads during her classes.  One of them simply says, "Change happens."

     It's true of course.  Change happens.  Sometimes we are the driving force behind the change in our own lives.  Sometimes the change comes and is completely out of our control.  Sometimes it is well planned, diligently thought through, and purposefully carried out.  Sometimes it comes unexpectedly - catching us off guard.

     No matter how it comes about or what it direction it ends up taking us, when presented with change, we are presented with a choice.  How do we react to the change?  Do we embrace it, ride the wave, and make the most of it?  Or do we shy away, pretend it can't touch us, and act like it is not real?

     As I sit as this desk, typing on this computer, if I look to my right I will see the Divine Mercy image.  Inscribed at the bottom is that simple and ever important prayer of St. Faustina's.  "Jesus I trust you."

     This life is a constant journey toward an eternal end.  It's a journey that changes many times along the way.  Whether the change is by our design or because of circumstances we cannot control, God's design is within its scope. Our prayer can remain constant through the change.

"Jesus I trust in you."

Sometimes You Have to Leap

I've spent the last two years of my life teaching spirited second graders at a wonderful Catholic School in the Archdiocese of St. Louis.  (Some of the funniest dialogues have been documented on this blog.  If you click on the category "From the Mouth of a Child" you'll find them all.)  Recently, I chose not to sign my contract for next year.  I do not currently have a job lined up.

So, why didn't sign?

I remembering wanting a variety of careers growing up: mailman, psychiatrist, dolphin trainer.  But I could never actually see myself doing anything but teaching.  I loved school.  I loved playing school at home.  I had a chalkboard in my bed room and a whole list of kids and papers to grade.  Speaking of grading papers, I loved helping my friends who taught with their grading.

I walked into my first teaching job with relative ease.  I had a strong mentor.  I was surrounded by willing, helpful, and friendly teachers.  I had families who were good to me. I struggled that first year to really put my heart fully into what I was doing.  I think on a huge level I was afraid that if I did, I would get stuck in teaching forever.

When I made the decision to walk away from youth ministry, I made a promise to myself.  I promised that I would put all of myself into my classroom.  I would work hard.  I would embrace the people around me.  I would dive into the community.  I would see myself as a fully-given component of my students' lives.  And while I cannot look at everyday and say that I upheld that promise, I can say that overall I found success.

Even in the best moments, I could not stop myself from wondering what else is out there for me.  There were whispers of a gentle stirring in my heart to search, to find.  When it came time to sign the contract, I was torn - torn between an excellent job (with its challenges of course) and this unsettled sense within of a "something more" that perhaps lay elsewhere.

I do not know exactly what I will find on this journey.  I cannot say where I will be even at the next step.  But I do know that it is with great faith and trust that I am taking this leap.  Why the leap?  Because my life doesn't have to be an unhappy sense of trapped.  My life can be joyful and constant movement toward that ever illusive more.  The more that is only fully found and dwelt in at the throne of our Heavenly Father.

There is a definite sense of sadness in leaving.  I'll miss the incredible people I've learned to call friends.  But it is not with a heavy heart that I go.  I leave with a sense of, "okay.  This is it. Here I go."






"Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find.  Knock and the door shall be opened for you."

Gay Marriage and Pinterest

I'm tired.

I'm tired of hearing about gay marriage.  I'm tired of thinking about gay marriage.  I'm tired of hostility toward those opposed to gay marriage.  I'm tired of  all the pointlessly silly pins on Pinterest making light of an important issue.  They try to use sarcasm and humor to paint a picture of those opposed to gay marriage as unfounded and ridiculous.  They undermine the intelligence on BOTH sides of the issue.  They make real conversation almost impossible.

I present this image as Exhibit A.  All I can say is, really?  Come on now.  Does ANYONE who is opposed to gay marriage think that a World War will break out, plagues will come, and terrorists will win?  No.

I am opposed to gay marriage.  It is not because I think gay marriage will lead to greater terrorism or some other kind of global disaster.  It's because I know that gay marriage is destructive to the natural design of sexual unity and family.  I'm not opposed to it because I want to prevent the collapse of society.  I'm opposed to it because I want to prevent the further collapse of the family.

Exhibit B.  This one is slightly less annoying because it at least raises an intelligent point: that there are a whole host of things in today's society that are damaging to the Institution of Marriage.  Porn.  Divorce.  Insanely short lived marriages.  Affairs.  They are all destructive to the Institution of Marriage.  In fact, they make the legal union of marriage a joke.  It bears almost no significance.

These things are destructive because they violate the life-long, committed, free, and total purpose of sexual unity.  Guess what.  So does gay marriage.

I don't want to get into an argument about which one on this list is worse.  The truth of the matter is that they are all wrong.  They are all destructive.  I'm no more in favor of porn, divorce, or affairs than I am of gay marriage.  This pin assumes that I don't care about those things.  I do.  But you wouldn't know that now would you, because you (Mr. Pinner that I do not know) didn't bother to ask.

Exhibit C.  "Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a doughnut because you're on a diet."  This isn't even a logically sound claim.  It doesn't use the same terms in its articulation.  I guess maybe the creator of this one knew that saying, "Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like claiming someone eating a doughnut while you are on a diet is against your religion" makes absolutely no sense.

Furthermore, while gay marriage is against my religion, that's not something I throw around with no cause.  It isn't an arbitrary claim that I put out there for dramatic flare.  It's the truth.  In the 2,000 year old unchanging doctrine of my faith, there is not room for gay marriage.  It was against my religion 2,000 years ago.  It will still be against my religion in 200,000 years.  It has nothing to do with your love for doughnuts and everything to do with an understanding of Truth.

Exhibit D.  Yes, because the people we spend the most time with are the deciding factor in how much like Jesus we are. 

Jesus loved unconditionally.  He loved the prostitute, the pharisees, the adulterous woman, His sinless virgin Mother, and the murders who died next to Him on Calvary.  He loves me.  He loves you.  And we are most like Him when we empty ourselves and love each other.  And, by the way, I do love you - no matter who you spend your time with.  I want all of the best things for you no matter how many annoying and fruitless little pins you have.

40 Days of Prayer

I wasn't going to do this, but then I read the whole list. I can't resist.

Planned Parenthood is holding their own "40 Days" vigil.  Here are some of the days...

"Day 2: Today we pray for compassionate religious voices to speak out for the dignity and autonomy of women."  Well, now lets take a look at what the Catholic Bishops have to say in the documents of the Second Vatican Council.  "The hour is coming, in fact has come, when the vocation of women is being acknowledged in its fullness, the hour in which women acquire in the world an influence, an effect and a power never hitherto achieved. That is why, at this moment when the human race is undergoing so deep a transformation, women imbued with a spirit of the Gospel can do so much to aid humanity in not falling."  Isn't it kind of them to pray for our bishops?!?

"Day 14: Today we pray for Christians everywhere to embrace the loving model of Jesus in the way he refused to shame women."  ...and encouraged the killing of innocent children!  Oh. Wait. Huh?

"Day 19: Today we pray for all pregnant women. May they be surrounded by loving voices."  Like this woman, who is surrounded by love for her and for her sweet child.

"Day 23: Today we give thanks for the strong women in our lives who have given us examples of good decision-making."  Like Mary who said, "Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. Be it done unto me according to your word."  And the countless other women who courageously and lovingly have given up their bodies for new life.

"Day 29: Today we pray that all women will know that they are created in the image of God, good and holy, moral and wise."  ...and then that they will read beyond Genesis 2, and humbly accept that they are fallen creatures who still to this day are fully capable of making wrong choices and remain always in need of a Savior.

"Day 35: Today we pray for girls everywhere, that they may have every opportunity for education, sport, health, art, and vocation." ...unless they are currently in the womb of another girl who would rather not have them exist.

"Day 36: Today we pray for the families we've chosen. May they know the blessing of choice." ...and be thankful that the circumstances of their existence were not slightly altered so as to be less convenient or desirable to their parents, which would have resulted in them not being "chosen." Do we really want our children to know they are so meaninglessly disposable?

"Day 37: Today we pray for women to claim their equality and demand their rights as citizens." ...except their right to life, if they have the out-of-their-control misfortune to be deemed "unwanted" at a time when they cannot possibly speak for themselves.

Daybook: The End of Catholic Schools' Week

FOR TODAY

(February 4, 2012)

Outside my window... it rained all night and has been misting all day. I'm still holding out for one good snow. We've got more built-in snow days to use at school, and I want to have a good cover!

I am thinking... that it is very easy to fall into laziness. I don't necessarily mean the lay-around-all-day kind of lazy. It's easy to get lazy at work, not always giving your best. It's easy to get lazy in your prayer life, not always taking the time to stop and pray. It's easy to get lazy in the journey to all that we are supposed to become. It's easy to get sidetracked and to settle for so much less than that for which we have been created.

I am thankful for... examples of selfless loyalty and unwavering courage.

I am wearing... a t-shirt and jeans - no make-up.

I am creating... not much of anything; that's part of the problem.

I am going... nowhere in life. That's overly dramatic and not entirely true. But I've felt the weight of that thought a lot lately. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be in life. I'm also not sure how to get to the things I really want. If you have some time, will you please offer a quick prayer for me?

I am reading... Well, I started Sacraments and Scripture by Tim Gray. I haven't gotten very far in it, but I know that if I can focus and read, it will bring much blessing and intellectual stimulation. 

I am hoping... to not waste time wandering aimlessly. I want to be deliberate and purposeful in everything I do. 

I am hearing... the start of another episode of NCIS. Gotta love the USA marathons!

Around the classroom... We just finished a successfully busy Catholic Schools' Week. There were many fun activities, and we also had our First Communion Retreat with the REAP Team. It is common for me to sit at Sacrament prep things and know what I would say if given the opportunity. This time, I actually did get up and say something. I was told later that I fit right in with the rest of the team. ::sigh:: I know. I love the world of retreats and youth ministry. And I do fit there.

One of my favorite things... late nights and good conversation with close friends!