Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Are You Leaving In Peace?

That question has been on my heart the last couple of days. As I prepare to go back to school tomorrow morning, I find myself doing major reflecting on my summer. There is a list of things (some big and some insignificant) that I intended to do that I did not.

I never went fishing, never shot a gun, never went horseback riding. The pile of books planned for summer reading is almost the same size it was when summer began. The writing I planned to do is saved in a document that was touched far less frequently than I had hoped. My room is far from the organized vision I had for it.

There is an even longer list of things I did (some big and some insignificant) that I had not planned on doing. Women's Night with the youth group was one of the biggest ways God blessed my summer. A couple random road trips with my family made the bonds of family stronger. Conversations that I never expected to have made the summer nights just a bit sweeter. However, these lists are not really the source of my reflection. My greater concern is whether or not I'm leaving in peace.

Am I at peace with the ways I have chosen to spend my time? Do I have peace in my friendships or are there too many things being left unsaid? Am I at peace with God? Have a nurtured my relationship with Him, or do I need to beg for His forgiveness for all the ways I did not? Do I leave the Parish in peace? Have I served it in the way God has asked me to? Have I build relationships in the way He intended? Is there peace in my home and with my family?

The time that I was physically in my house this summer was minimal. I spent a fair amount of time at work. I spent vast amounts of time doing youth ministry stuff. I had the occasional outing with close friends. There was a time when Pete called needing help with Steubenville stuff and work called needing help on the same day. I chose to help Pete. In that moment, I felt like I had begun making decisions the way I hope to make them for the rest of my life. Youth group was more important to me. And even though the work at the store probably would have been less stressful and I would have been paid, still I knew that youth group was more important. I really believe that it was what God was calling me to make my primary vocation this summer. I'm very much at peace with all of the time I chose to invest in the program.

I've been learning a hard lesson this summer about communication. This is mostly because I'm unhealthily afraid of intimacy and vulnerability. The thought of someone knowing what I'm thinking sends me into a state of paralyzing fear. God continues to place people in my life that challenge this fear, and He frequently rewards me with the peace and freedom of honest communication. This summer was no exception to that. Are there some things being left unsaid? Yes. And probably more than just a few. But I do have peace; it's the kind of peace that comes with knowing that even though I am imperfect God's grace is changing me. I have grown, and I will continue to do so.

Daily mass was far less of a reality in my life than it should have been. While I did frequent the adoration chapel, the source and summit of my faith was neglected. A lot of times it was because of sheer lack of virtue. For this I will make amends with God. Did I choose virtue at every turn? No. Did I follow through with everything His voice prompted me to do? No. Did I learn how to hear Him better? Yes. Do I regret the times I failed to listen? Yes. Do I have peace? Yes. Although it is only because I know that mercy redeems.

This summer I fell in love. The object of my affection? Assumption Parish and the life that is present there. Do I have peace? Yes. However this peace is marked with great anticipation. In many ways as I journey back to college I do so in the hope that I will grow in ways that will allow me to serve the Parish even better.

And my family? That is a bit more complicated. Is there peace? Perhaps. But in many ways my family life is characterized by conflicting values and opinions of what is best. I'm assured only by the fact that I believe God is working. He'll stretch my ability to be a good daughter.

There is deep sadness in my heart as I say my goodbyes and work to pack up my things. I'm temporarily leaving a life that I love in order to pursue a life that I hope I will grow to love. The beautiful thing is that there is an even deeper conviction that what I'm doing is God's will. I know that I could never be the person God created me to be without this last year at Benedictine. I hope that the power of God's grace meets the fertile soil of an open heart - even when my sadness leads to doubt.

2 comments: