It's not about balancing...

...it's about listening. Over the past four or five months, I have spent much time pondering my desires. I believe that God purposefully places desires within us. It is through the desires that He gives that we are able to know that to which He calls us. For this reason, I have made it a point to treat my desires with great care and delicacy. Ultimately, I strive to cultivate these desires in a way that enables me to surrender them. Typically the process begins with a newfound desire. I then have to ask myself whether this is a desire that God is giving me or if it is something I desire for selfish ends. I spend time in prayer surrendering the desire to God. However, I've noticed that as soon as I discern that my desire is in fact from God, I take it and run away with it. I begin to control it. I begin to use it in the way I want to use it, all the while telling myself that it is okay because, after all, God gave me the desire. Upon noticing this unfocused and misdirected tendency, I became confused. How am I to balance surrender with action? Thankfully, God is a God of Providence. Through my confusion, He taught me that it isn't about learning to balance. When God gives me a desire, my only action should be one of surrender. It is through my action of surrender that God will give me the wisdom to know how He wants me to use the desire. Now all I have to do is learn how to listen...

Universal Church

The recent events regarding JP (see story here) have left me in awe of the beauty of the Universal Church. In the days following the accident, I have found myself thinking a lot about the community at Benedictine. This is largely due to the fact that it seems wrong for this to have happened now. This loss in our community comes at a time when we are not together, and we will not be together for almost a month. I want to be at BC. I want to be with the BC community. I want us to be able to spend this time together, lifting each other up. I want us to surround those in our community closest to JP with love and support. The most inspiring truth of this experience is that while we are not physically together, we are united. The distance has lead me to pray more, to attend mass, and to seek Christ's presence in the Blessed Sacrament. It is through these blessings, through the Universal Church, that I am able to be united with the community for which I am longing. Because of this, the Benedictine community, along with the entire Church, is able to surround those closest to the situation with Christ's unfailing love.

Prayer Reflection

My Love, I see You often hanging on the cross of Your glory. Tonight, Your grace moved me to the scene of You being taken down and laid in Your Mother's gentle arms. In that scene, I found myself caught in Your Mother's sorrow. I felt prompted to move, to stand, to act, to live... but I couldn't seem to move beyond the devastating picture. Later, Your Spirit brought to my attention that the body held by the Blessed Mother was not my God. My God didn't stick around after His death. He didn't remain motionlessly in a lifeless body. He was too busy fighting Satan. His resurrection was not a powerful surge of energy following a 3-day nap. His Resurrection was a glorious return following triumphant victory. The time for me to move is now. I can't remain stuck at the cross. Jesus died on the cross so that we could move beyond our sin. He died on the cross so that our sin doesn't hold us captive. We have work to do. He gave us the cross so we can hold it high above our heads as we live the Resurrection. We need His death AND His life. His death is the freedom we need. His Resurrection, His life, is the strength we need to move. I don't know what the end will bring. I firmly believe, as Christ showed us, that it won't leave us in sorrow at the foot of cross. It will involve His love and His life. When we reach the finish line, whether we are sprinting in the power of grace, or crawling on our hands and knees in the strength of His mercy, we will be covered in the blood of the cross, having completed the journey well. Lord Jesus, help me to stand at the foot of the cross. Help me to stand as Your Mother holds Your body. Help me to act then. Help me to stand there and declare, at the top of my lungs, with every fiber of my being, heart and soul, that there is no one like my God! Amen. *** Picture from www.rockofmysoul.com

I Didn't Choose Mary...

...Mary chose me. On the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, I finished a consecration to the Blessed Mother. In his homily at mass, Prior James reflected on Mary at the cross. His point was that of her free will. She freely choose to accept us as her children. This revelation brought tears to my eyes. I have great hope in one day being a mother. I believe that is God's will for me. I have said before that I can almost feel the flames on my heart when I share with God my deepest longings for motherhood. When a woman wants to be a mother, she wants it with a heart bursting to pour out love on her children. I believe that it was with this kind of passionate love that Mary took on the role of our Mother. She chose to have us as her own. She chose to devote herself to pouring out love on us. The truly amazing thing is that it isn't her love that she pours out. When Mary pours out love upon us, as only a Mother can, it the love her of Son that she gives. Through her giving of love, we are drawn ever closer to Him. Mary conceived without sin, Pray for us.

Missing Person....

That's how I feel these days. There is this part of me that has a strong desire to blog diligently, but that has yet to happen in my life. These next 2+ weeks are certainly not the time to start....way too much homework to keep up with. It is not for lack of topics about which to blog; I have many ideas swarming my thoughts and capturing my heart: celebration, living the liturgy, the vastness of God's plan, advent, suffering, reverence... the list could on for quite some time. However, today is not the day for those topics to be addressed. Today is the day for researching and organizing a presentation that is due tomorrow morning...

Blog

This is a link a found on one of the blogs I check daily. I think that it is very true of the Church today, and I hope you enjoy reading it. http://hancaquam.blogspot.com/2008/10/church-is-not-wal-mart.html

Waiting

Simon Peter was good at fishing. He'd put much time and effort into his trade. He knew the waters. He knew how to read the signs and find the fish.

Early in the Gospels, before Peter left everything to follow Jesus, Jesus was preaching to a large crowd from Simon Peter's boat. (I'm in Luke 5: 1 -11, in case you were wondering) Peter, Andrew, James, and John had been fishing all night and had caught nothing. When Jesus finished preaching, he told Peter to row the boat out into the deeper water to catch some fish. Peter responds to Jesus, as I frequently do, by declaring that they aren't likely to catch anything, but agreeing to act in accord with Jesus' command all the same, since it is Jesus giving it.

What happens next, of course, is a very large amount of fish filling the net. So many in fact, that two boats were filled almost to the point of sinking. Now, it is arguably true that what follows this scene is where the meat of story lies, but my prayer has lead me to stop here at the moment. Yes, Peter is soon told that he will be catching men instead of fish, but I don't want to lose the message of the story thus far.

When we look at the miracle performed by Christ, we must ask ourselves what purpose it serves. Biblical Scholars will tell you that the fish weren't needed. There was not a fish shortage. Sure, the four fishermen hadn't caught any that night, but that happened from time to time. What strikes me in this story, about this miracle, is that when Peter fished at Jesus' command, he caught more fish then he could have on his own.

So many times in my life, I find myself doing things that I do well. I automatically think that since I'm good at _______, I can do it anytime and it will turn out okay. This might be true, in fact it probably is. However, when I choose actions based on this principle, I lack something very important. I lack the understanding that when I wait for God's command, I can do so much more.

Just like Peter, who could catch plenty of fish on his own, when I wait for God to tell me to do something, I will do that thing with power beyond my own ability. (It will bear greater fruit as well) It is hard for me to be at Benedictine right now. I had an amazing summer, especially when working with the youth group at my parish. The program there is going great now, and I want to be part of it. I often find myself thinking that if I were there, I could be on core team, and I could do it well. My prayer this morning reminded me that while that is most likely true, if I wait until God asks me to be there, I will be there in His power, not my own. This means that His work will be done through me, which is much better then my own work being done through me.

John 3: 27 - 30

"John answered, 'No one can receive anything except what is given him from heaven. You yourselves bear me witness, that I said, I am not the Christ, but I have been sent before him. He who has the bride is the bridegroom; the friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom's voice; therefore this joy of mine is now full. He must increase, but I must decrease."

To Know Thy Son

"When the wine failed, the mother of Jesus said to him, 'They have no wine.' And Jesus said to her, 'O woman, what have you to do with me? My hour has not yet come.' His mother said to the servants, 'Do whatever he tells you.'" (John 2:3-5) I was meditating on this scripture in prayer this morning, and I reflected on the appearance of contradiction between Jesus' response to Mary and her command to the servants. When I read Jesus' words to her, I am left with the impression that He does not intend to do anything about the wine. However, when Mary hears His response, she knows that He will do something about it. As I placed myself in the scene of the first miracle, I imagined Mary's face during this interaction. Whereas I sit in confusion, Mary and her Son look intently into each other's eyes and communicate more then words can express. I can see Mary's eyes blazing with truth and confidence, as she breaks eye contact with her Son, turns to the servants, and tells them to "do whatever he tells you." It is because Mary knows her Son that she is able to know that He will act. She spent many years knowing Him, studying His ways, and loving Him. She knew Him in a way that enabled her to know more about the meaning of His words then we can know by reading them. The importance of this my life lies not only in my need to better understand the way Jesus speaks to me, but also in my ability to clearly lead others to follow His will. Just as Mary knew her Son well and lead the servants in obedience to Christ, I must know Him well, and I must do so in such a way so as to lead others to follow His path.

History

Today, Benedictine begins the celebration of 150 years of Benedictine education in Atchison, KS. As I sat listening to the homily at the all school mass this morning, I heard a story that has become familiar to me in my time here at BC. The story is that of how our school has reached this year of celebration. However, today when I heard this story, it lead me to a new realization. I sat there taking in the words of the difficulties faced throughout the journey and somewhere inside me I sensed a growing sense of obligation to those who have gone before me. It is so easy to look at Benedictine in all its goodness and ignore the hardship that went into it becoming this place I love. There have been countless times in the story that is Benedictine that men and women gone before have had to fight hard to see our vision lived. I now have sense obligation to those men and women. I believe that we owe it to them to continue promoting and valuing the Benedictine they dedicated their lives to building. This is our history. This is who we are. This is what we have to maintain.